I get that it's supposed to be dark, but for some reason I keep seeing bright images in my mind.. I think it's just the words you use to rhyme aren't harsh enough. Of course there are some brightly dark poems, I've written one myself. I like, not love it, but it's definitely showing that you have a great potential. (and I understand it repeats a lot, but it almost seems like too much. But art is a matter of opinion, and something I dislike can be the reason someone loves the poem)
Monuments to be sunken down,
Obscuring both their pride and crown
(Favorite lines n_n )
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