Quote:
Originally Posted by Veridical Fiction
It all seems vaguely adolescent. Maybe I'd need to hear it in context with the music. Dunno.
For now, my vote is: Scrap it.
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It is amateur writing, but when I look back at where I started I'm appalled.
My real advice is to study what you've wrote here, and improve on it. Repetition can be good, but how can you make it more subtle? Think of different ways to say simple things, something that describes their complexity more. This can also help with rhyming, which you will learn is not as important as flow. Take this verse I wrote yesterday for another song:
She molded her brain
from her dead mother's clay
covered in ink blot stains
that form pictures of what she thinks
for her to display
That's an example of things like rhyming mid line (Ink, think) and creating imagery. I could say the exact same thing with this line:
She learned her art skills from her mother, and ever since she died it is all she's been able to do.
But that wouldn't be as poetic now, would it?