Music Banter

Go Back   Music Banter > Artists Corner > Song Writing, Lyrics and Poetry
Register Blogging Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read
Welcome to Music Banter Forum! Make sure to register - it's free and very quick! You have to register before you can post and participate in our discussions with over 70,000 other registered members. After you create your free account, you will be able to customize many options, you will have the full access to over 1,100,000 posts.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 02-07-2009, 03:12 PM   #21 (permalink)
Music Addict
 
Elvon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Uppsala/Sweden
Posts: 62
Default

I didnt like it, but I dont know what others may say about this. ^^
Elvon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-09-2009, 03:31 PM   #22 (permalink)
Groupie
 
aveneficus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Cincinnati, OH
Posts: 44
Default

This song wasn't particularly well written, in fact in reminded me of a bad hit song
Quote:
Nobody told me what to do
Nobody told me where to hide
What to do
What to say
When you shoved it in my face
You took it all away
Listen to Take It All Away by Puddle of Mudd.. it sounds unmistakably similar..
__________________
If dreams are like movies, then memories are films about ghosts
aveneficus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-25-2009, 04:45 PM   #23 (permalink)
Groupie
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: bristol, UK
Posts: 13
Default summers here

Summers here

Thereís swallows and mud-pies
So I must say
Summer is here
Now watch me spin circles round you dear

But I donít want the sun to set
Cus tomorrow morning your leaving me here
Our record together is coming to an end
You would rather walk away with someone I donít know

I just want to ask you to come back
But I just cant think how
Why do you have to go?
You donít know what your missing
All this time I just wanted to kiss you but IÖ

Your perfect do you know?
I could only sing those depressing love songs
But you, you could sing them all
But now please can you stay with me?
Cus your walking down a road I donít know.

Remember that time we went to see our favourite band
We talked of our strangest dreams
Where did this go?
I remember talking bout sunsets with you
Well this is our final sunset

But I donít want the sun to set
Cus tomorrow morning your leaving me here
Our record together is coming to an end
You would rather walk away with someone I donít know

Iím sat in our room
Looking at your fur coat and favourite boots
And a note all you wrote was youíll be gone by morning
Iím having trouble handling this
All I wanted to do was give you that very last kiss but I just didnít know how

Your perfect do you know?
I could only sing those depressing love songs
But you, you could sing them all
But now please can you stay with me?
Cus your walking down a road I donít know.

You know your missing out girl cus boy would I kiss you.

Last edited by the-hippy; 04-26-2009 at 03:08 PM.
the-hippy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2009, 11:10 PM   #24 (permalink)
Music Addict
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 48
Default

Take out the last line, and it's good.
Naked is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-28-2009, 01:41 AM   #25 (permalink)
Partying on the inside
 
Freebase Dali's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 5,329
Default

It all seems vaguely adolescent. Maybe I'd need to hear it in context with the music. Dunno.
For now, my vote is: Scrap it.
__________________
Freebase Dali is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-28-2009, 08:41 AM   #26 (permalink)
Music Addict
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 48
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Veridical Fiction View Post
It all seems vaguely adolescent. Maybe I'd need to hear it in context with the music. Dunno.
For now, my vote is: Scrap it.
It is amateur writing, but when I look back at where I started I'm appalled.
My real advice is to study what you've wrote here, and improve on it. Repetition can be good, but how can you make it more subtle? Think of different ways to say simple things, something that describes their complexity more. This can also help with rhyming, which you will learn is not as important as flow. Take this verse I wrote yesterday for another song:

She molded her brain
from her dead mother's clay
covered in ink blot stains
that form pictures of what she thinks
for her to display

That's an example of things like rhyming mid line (Ink, think) and creating imagery. I could say the exact same thing with this line:
She learned her art skills from her mother, and ever since she died it is all she's been able to do.
But that wouldn't be as poetic now, would it?
Naked is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-28-2009, 10:46 AM   #27 (permalink)
Account Disabled
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: lorain,ohio
Posts: 908
Default

Corny love song FTW!
coryallen2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-10-2009, 07:19 AM   #28 (permalink)
Groupie
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: bristol, UK
Posts: 13
Exclamation help with this song?

i posted this song earlier on in the forum but i could do with some help with it...i think it has some good ideas behind it but it just looses all rythem mid-verse so all help/critisism would be appreciated...thanks

Summers Here

Swallows, mud-pies
This goes to show
Summer is here
but Iím shivering under these blue skyís

but sun, please donít set
Tomorrow sheíll be gone
Our record together will come to an end
You would rather walk away with someone I donít know

I just want to ask you to come back
But I just cant think how
Why do you have to go?
You donít know what your missing
All this time I just wanted to kiss you but IÖ

I could only sing those depressing love songs
But you, you could sing them all
But now please can you stay with me?
Cus your walking down a road I donít know.

Remember that time we went to see your favourite band
We talked of our strangest dreams
Where did this go?
I remember talking bout sunsets with you
Well this is our final sunset

But I donít want the sun to set
Cus tomorrow morning your leaving me here
Our record together is coming to an end
You would rather walk away with someone I donít know

Iím sat in our room
Looking at your fur coat and favourite boots
And a note all you wrote was youíll be gone by morning
Iím having trouble handling this
All I wanted to do was give you that very last kiss but I just didnít know how

Your perfect do you know?
I could only sing those depressing love songs
But you, you could sing them all
But now please can you stay with me?
Cus your walking down a road I donít know.

Last edited by the-hippy; 05-10-2009 at 09:02 AM.
the-hippy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-10-2009, 08:16 AM   #29 (permalink)
Account Disabled
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Purgatory
Posts: 746
Default

Huh. Its great, but a few lines seem out of place. "Now watch me spin circles round you dear" doesn't really go with the rest of the song...And you could replace "But you, you could sing them all" with "you could sing anything"....also maybe add some about how the weather is warm, but you feel cold and awful because shes leaving?
TumorAttitude is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-10-2009, 08:43 AM   #30 (permalink)
Groupie
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: bristol, UK
Posts: 13
Default

thanks for the tips i think it flows alot better now
the-hippy is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Similar Threads



© 2003-2019 Advameg, Inc.

SEO by vBSEO 3.5.2 ©2010, Crawlability, Inc.