Quote:
Originally Posted by coryallen2
Suddenly
I'll be where I turn
I see your face
Don't know how it began.
Or were it will end.
But I assure you.
I will come across this fate.
When I sleep I don't dream.
Or go through all my memories.
And there you are.
But I can see right through you.
When I dream I lose my sense of reality.
Wide awake with open eyes.
And there you are.
And I can feel you breathing the air.
Suddenly I'm staring at the wall.
Thinking its to late.
Hating yourself from fighting and the lose.
Lets just turn it off.
I never knew that I could.
Stay through to find you.
And there you are.
But I'm not reaching for you.
I never knew.
That I could move my shadow away from you.
And I could push you far away.
In the end.
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The whole thing seems a bit fragmented and rather incoherent. Seems like you're just shooting for phrases that come off as deep, but there's no real depth there beneath the surface.
Try focusing on a main idea and tying your phrases together in a way that leads to the next phrases without seeming like you simply took a paragraph of sentences and broke them up into lines.
Trying to be constructive with my criticism, but you haven't given me much to work with.
A for effort, though.