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Old 05-01-2009, 06:05 AM   #51 (permalink)
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Yes crash I wanted it to be similar to those lyrics but transform it into my own words kinda.
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Old 05-01-2009, 06:06 AM   #52 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Sooth View Post
I love the simplicity of the lyrics. Pretty good. Kindof sad too.

I try to relate my music to tough and happy times in my life by telling a story of someone else.
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Old 05-01-2009, 06:17 AM   #53 (permalink)
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Default suddenly

Suddenly
I'll be where I turn
I see your face
Don't know how it began.
Or were it will end.
But I assure you.
I will come across this fate.

When I sleep I don't dream.
Or go through all my memories.
And there you are.
But I can see right through you.

When I dream I lose my sense of reality.
Wide awake with open eyes.
And there you are.
And I can feel you breathing the air.

Suddenly I'm staring at the wall.
Thinking its to late.
Hating yourself from fighting and the lose.
Lets just turn it off.
I never knew that I could.
Stay through to find you.
And there you are.
But I'm not reaching for you.
I never knew.
That I could move my shadow away from you.
And I could push you far away.
In the end.
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Old 05-01-2009, 02:14 PM   #54 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by coryallen2 View Post
Yes crash I wanted it to be similar to those lyrics but transform it into my own words kinda.
that's called plagiarism.

that's the second time i've had to remind you about it and i swear if you do it again i'm going to appeal for a perma-ban.
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Old 05-01-2009, 05:10 PM   #55 (permalink)
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It's very well done.

What was your inspiration?
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Old 05-02-2009, 02:57 AM   #56 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by coryallen2 View Post
Suddenly
I'll be where I turn
I see your face
Don't know how it began.
Or were it will end.
But I assure you.
I will come across this fate.

When I sleep I don't dream.
Or go through all my memories.
And there you are.
But I can see right through you.

When I dream I lose my sense of reality.
Wide awake with open eyes.
And there you are.
And I can feel you breathing the air.

Suddenly I'm staring at the wall.
Thinking its to late.
Hating yourself from fighting and the lose.
Lets just turn it off.
I never knew that I could.
Stay through to find you.
And there you are.
But I'm not reaching for you.
I never knew.
That I could move my shadow away from you.
And I could push you far away.
In the end.
The whole thing seems a bit fragmented and rather incoherent. Seems like you're just shooting for phrases that come off as deep, but there's no real depth there beneath the surface.

Try focusing on a main idea and tying your phrases together in a way that leads to the next phrases without seeming like you simply took a paragraph of sentences and broke them up into lines.

Trying to be constructive with my criticism, but you haven't given me much to work with.

A for effort, though.
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Old 05-02-2009, 03:04 AM   #57 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by coryallen2 View Post
I try to relate my music to tough and happy times in my life by telling a story of someone else.
There's a difference between telling someone else's story in your own words, and telling a story using someone else's words.
Lucifer_Sam is right when he uses the word plagiarism.
Yea, I know you're not planning on publishing the thing, but if you expect anyone to take you seriously, you're going to have to learn how to do things in your own way.
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Old 05-02-2009, 05:34 PM   #58 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Veridical Fiction View Post
The whole thing seems a bit fragmented and rather incoherent. Seems like you're just shooting for phrases that come off as deep, but there's no real depth there beneath the surface.
I think that works for the last bit, mostly.
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Old 05-03-2009, 08:57 PM   #59 (permalink)
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I like it except for the last paragraph. It kind of sounds like you wrote it just to have something....there.
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Old 05-04-2009, 12:03 AM   #60 (permalink)
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is this from Hawthorne heights?

but really, i don't get it...
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