Rather nice (Then, Ago), It tells a story and it uses repetition rather cleverly. Now, you need to work on syllable count and rhyme. I use this rhyming dictionary sometimes when I write: Rhymezone.com -- The reason why this song is (in my opinion) better than the others I've seen is obviously because you had something important to say. When you write, it should be because you feel you have a story that you want people to hear -- put away the song for a week or two and then come back and sing it back to yourself once you've made all the tweeks to be had here. At that point, you'll be able to catch all the lines that you don't like or don't make sense.
