Quote:
Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA
Hi, asshat,
I especially like the section of the first poem that I've shown in bold because it (amusingly, to me) describes a loner quite well. Have you considered separating the lyrics into two separate songs? The first could be the suicidal cry for help song by the person who doesn't handle rejection well because he's depending on others (his ex, for example) for emotional stability and self-worth. The second could be about the happy-go-lucky reprobate. The reason I ask is that the tone used in the two portions of the first song seems very different: the first part is full of angst/sadness; the second is full of bravado and humor. I chuckled at the "eats peanut butter right off of the spoon," because that seems like such a very tame "reprobate" thing to do!
As for the word choice in these lyrics, I notice you saturate the second stanza with words rhyming with "reprobate": weight, straight, masterbate. You also rhyme "reprobate" with the vowel sounds in "case" and "bathe." The rhyming helps build a feeling of cohesion (and humor) in this stanza. Do you want the meter of the lyrics to flow with approximately equal numbers of syllables per line, or do you prefer it to have less of a rhythmic pattern?
--Erica
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I added the second stanza to balance out the melancholy first paragraph. I actually didn't want to make the first stanza that melancholy--I just wanted a more deadpan description of self-harm...because it becomes too romanticized. The reprobate in the second stanza is the same guy that tried to off himself in the first.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that people view a suicide attempt as a really dramatic event, but it's a lot more banal for the person trying it.(at least for me it was, not trying to add too much baggage to the discussion, but just so I don't seem like an un-empathizing prick)...
As far as rhyming goes, I haven't actually sung these lyrics...and I'm both tone deaf and have no sense of rhythm. I'm trying to find a time when no ones around when I can practice and get a feel for it.
....anyways thanks for the reply erica,
asshat