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Old 07-16-2009, 07:15 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default these are songs you guys look at my songs!!!

the lyrics are seperated by dash____________.I kept the swears for poetic license, if they need to be removed I won't be offended. Be completely frank with me, please!


_____________________________

She’s moved on to something greener
She’s a librarian or ballerina
Who would know
She didn’t have to go
I look out the window pane
The pane breaks cause I smashed it
And I pick up the shard and go straight for the veins
I told her it had to be like this if she ever left me
But she didn’t listen, she said it would be insane
To do some something so childish
Like carving up my wrists for sympathy
I had the foolish notion
That she’d come back through the door
And give me a kiss because
She’d be taking the threats more serious
Than before

If I had a friend they’d tell me to gain
Some weight, get some shuteye
And my priorities straight
Thankfully that’s not the case
I’m free to be a reprobate
Who chronically masturbates
And sleeps well past noon
Doesn’t bathe and eats peanutbutter
Right off of the spoon.
________________________

Practice some fucking decorum
Don’t be a cunt
Be a man with some manners
Brush up on your grammar
Put on some new slacks
And watch how you act
Or you’ll be the man with no manners
Whose behaviour is abhorrent
Because he ain’t never got learned
In no fucking decorum
_____________________________________

Deja Vue #2
It could happen to you
It already happened
It happened 2 times
It could happen again
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Old 07-26-2009, 11:33 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by asshat View Post
Be completely frank with me, please!
_____________________________
She’s moved on to something greener
She’s a librarian or ballerina
Who would know
She didn’t have to go
I look out the window pane
The pane breaks cause I smashed it
And I pick up the shard and go straight for the veins
I told her it had to be like this if she ever left me
But she didn’t listen, she said it would be insane
To do some something so childish
Like carving up my wrists for sympathy
I had the foolish notion
That she’d come back through the door
And give me a kiss because
She’d be taking the threats more serious
Than before

If I had a friend they’d tell me to gain
Some weight, get some shuteye
And my priorities straight

Thankfully that’s not the case
I’m free to be a reprobate
Who chronically masturbates
And sleeps well past noon
Doesn’t bathe and eats peanutbutter
Right off of the spoon.
Hi, asshat,
I especially like the section of the first poem that I've shown in bold because it (amusingly, to me) describes a loner quite well. Have you considered separating the lyrics into two separate songs? The first could be the suicidal cry for help song by the person who doesn't handle rejection well because he's depending on others (his ex, for example) for emotional stability and self-worth. The second could be about the happy-go-lucky reprobate. The reason I ask is that the tone used in the two portions of the first song seems very different: the first part is full of angst/sadness; the second is full of bravado and humor. I chuckled at the "eats peanut butter right off of the spoon," because that seems like such a very tame "reprobate" thing to do!

As for the word choice in these lyrics, I notice you saturate the second stanza with words rhyming with "reprobate": weight, straight, masterbate. You also rhyme "reprobate" with the vowel sounds in "case" and "bathe." The rhyming helps build a feeling of cohesion (and humor) in this stanza. Do you want the meter of the lyrics to flow with approximately equal numbers of syllables per line, or do you prefer it to have less of a rhythmic pattern?

--Erica
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Old 07-28-2009, 07:11 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA View Post
Hi, asshat,
I especially like the section of the first poem that I've shown in bold because it (amusingly, to me) describes a loner quite well. Have you considered separating the lyrics into two separate songs? The first could be the suicidal cry for help song by the person who doesn't handle rejection well because he's depending on others (his ex, for example) for emotional stability and self-worth. The second could be about the happy-go-lucky reprobate. The reason I ask is that the tone used in the two portions of the first song seems very different: the first part is full of angst/sadness; the second is full of bravado and humor. I chuckled at the "eats peanut butter right off of the spoon," because that seems like such a very tame "reprobate" thing to do!

As for the word choice in these lyrics, I notice you saturate the second stanza with words rhyming with "reprobate": weight, straight, masterbate. You also rhyme "reprobate" with the vowel sounds in "case" and "bathe." The rhyming helps build a feeling of cohesion (and humor) in this stanza. Do you want the meter of the lyrics to flow with approximately equal numbers of syllables per line, or do you prefer it to have less of a rhythmic pattern?

--Erica

I added the second stanza to balance out the melancholy first paragraph. I actually didn't want to make the first stanza that melancholy--I just wanted a more deadpan description of self-harm...because it becomes too romanticized. The reprobate in the second stanza is the same guy that tried to off himself in the first.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that people view a suicide attempt as a really dramatic event, but it's a lot more banal for the person trying it.(at least for me it was, not trying to add too much baggage to the discussion, but just so I don't seem like an un-empathizing prick)...

As far as rhyming goes, I haven't actually sung these lyrics...and I'm both tone deaf and have no sense of rhythm. I'm trying to find a time when no ones around when I can practice and get a feel for it.

....anyways thanks for the reply erica,
asshat
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Old 07-30-2009, 11:34 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Cool stuff.

Quote:
"If I had a friend they’d tell me to gain
Some weight, get some shuteye
And my priorities straight
Thankfully that’s not the case
I’m free to be a reprobate
Who chronically masturbates
And sleeps well past noon
Doesn’t bathe and eats peanutbutter
Right off of the spoon."
I liked this bit and found it particularly humorous.
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Old 07-31-2009, 02:11 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Conan View Post
Cool stuff.



I liked this bit and found it particularly humorous.
thanks man.

I'm trying to break out of the sarcastic prick mold as far as lyrics go but I'm pretty lazy.
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Old 08-03-2009, 08:30 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by asshat View Post
I added the second stanza to balance out the melancholy first paragraph. I actually didn't want to make the first stanza that melancholy--I just wanted a more deadpan description of self-harm...because it becomes too romanticized. The reprobate in the second stanza is the same guy that tried to off himself in the first.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that people view a suicide attempt as a really dramatic event, but it's a lot more banal for the person trying it.(at least for me it was, not trying to add too much baggage to the discussion, but just so I don't seem like an un-empathizing prick)...

As far as rhyming goes, I haven't actually sung these lyrics...and I'm both tone deaf and have no sense of rhythm. I'm trying to find a time when no ones around when I can practice and get a feel for it.

....anyways thanks for the reply erica,
asshat
Hi, asshat,
Your explantation about how the two parts of the song fit together makes sense to me. I do feel that the first part of the song, describing how trying to kill yourself feels, does sound very much like what I've heard other people in a similar situation describe: the feeling that killing themselves will catch someone's attention, for example, when a romance breaks up. I like the fact that you describe the thoughts one has in that situation very clearly, because probably many people may relate to the description and see themselves in it, realizing the feelings are common and they don't have to follow through with them.

I'm glad you didn't succeed! Without going too much into my details, when I was 16-19 I turned my anger/frustration with myself into self-harm, and so the path people take to get into and out of this way of relating to themselves interests me. In graduate school I had a friend who was intelligent, successful, and beautiful, and she dealt with her childhood sexual abuse by being a "cutter." She cut herself with knives on parts of her body (like her upper thighs) where no one could see, and then butterfly-bandaided the wounds together. In my case, finally divorcing my sense of self-worth from other people's views of me helped me treat myself and my body kindly.

--Erica
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Old 08-06-2009, 03:03 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I got some more songs you guys,I appreciated your feedback for the first one, I'd still like your honest(and by honest I mean blunt) opinions. I kept the swears for poetic license, if this creates a problem for moderators, feel free to remove them.

________________________________
Tard

Shines your shoes
With a shit eating grin
Picks the horse
Guaranteed to win
If it don't win
He's the collateral
See him at the grand piano

He don't know how to make love
His only love is numbers
This retard, you see, this retard
He helps you win the lottery

__________________________
Sister

this guy here
Were all laughing with this guy here
Buy him a beer
Get him real drunk
For later

Wait til the 13th beer
Til he's so so drunk
And can't move around too good
Kick him in the balls
Slap him like a bitch
Right in the kisser
This guy, this guy
Was fuckin with my sister.
_____________________________
Hands that kill

Hands
These god damn hands
Have killed many a man,man
Hands that kill
See these hands
Killed a man
Performed surgery
Delivered a new born baby
Touched the face of a lady
When these hands kill again
I can't be certain
But for certain they will kill a man,man
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Red Meat

No more red meat
No more privacy in the
World of the 23rd century
There ain't no more god
Three to a pod
Woman/man and single child
That's all that is allowed
And a paste is all the rations that are alloted
And it tastes so shitty
But's thats all that we eat
Cause there's no more red meat
In the 23rd century AD

And the chips in the brains
For prevention of thoughts
Of thoughts about smashing the state
Cause it's been so god damn long
So very long
Since they had a steak on their plate.
___________________________
Prison of the mind

Make your mind a prison
It's trip to turn your brain
Into a penitentiary
And where you go
nobody knows

You be the warden and executioner
In your mind
Nobody comes inside
Nobody dares
The walls are covered with slime
And the stench of the ages
Before you die
Just make a trip
To the prison of the mind
___________________________________
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Last edited by asshat; 08-06-2009 at 03:08 AM.
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Old 08-10-2009, 01:00 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Hands that kill

Hands
These god damn hands
Have killed many a man,man
Hands that kill
See these hands
Killed a man
Performed surgery
Delivered a new born baby
Touched the face of a lady
When these hands kill again
I can't be certain
But for certain they will kill a man,man
I found this one particularly interesting to me just because I've posted a poem on hands too. Very different view points, but in a subtle way the same style. You have a real gift if you can focus your attention. These are excellent poems, but to make them into music you'll have to put in a bit more structure and make them just a bit longer...unless you wanted to break them up a little bit and have them be mostly instrumentals.



I didn't like Tard just because I didn't understand it too well, and I have a particular aversion to the misuse of the word retard, we tend to make it very lighthearted, which its not.

I agree with everyone else that the last stanza of your first poem is very well written. Perhaps if you revised the first stanza a bit to reflect the last one (while still keeping its serious meaning) it would fit together a little better and better convey your point.
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Old 08-11-2009, 08:14 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Tard
you have an interesting sense of humor--and very ironic at that. You know how to write, that much is true, but you have to stray away from words whose meaning can be... illiterate in a sense. When I hear the word tard, I think of that little ******* kid who live in my nieghborhood when I was 7 calling everyone a tard--in fact, he's the only one in any sort of recent memory I've heard use the word.

That's my problem with it, but other than that, your poems are quite interesting... just never put this to hardcore, grind core, or any of that cheesy hard rock that licenses itself to the influence of Zepplin (of course, none are close to Led in any way--which is why it's a genre that has been exhausted in my mind.) Your too talented a writer to fall in the wake of something musically that's already been done and redone enough to've made it's point already.

peace,
-nick
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Old 08-12-2009, 01:38 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by VeggieLover View Post

I didn't like Tard just because I didn't understand it too well, and I have a particular aversion to the misuse of the word retard, we tend to make it very lighthearted, which its not.
.
"tard" is about an idiot savant type guy,(sort of like the rainman), he's socially inept and can barely function, but he can play the piano really well, and he's a mathematical genius.(like the rainman, if you took him to a casino you get big winnings).

"tard" is a stew of all those retard genius stereotypes.(as good luck charm, as skilled pianist, as mathematical genius).I think I watched this show this show or movie about a gangster who uses his mentally challenged brother in a game of dice or something. "tard" is just a working title, so don't be too offended.

...anyways I really appreciate your commentary guys!

...I think I might have ripped off the talking heads with the hand song.
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