It's okay--for a first song at least. But as a rule of thumb, it's a dangerous thing to post your very first song anywhere. When you start, it's pretty obvious what parts work and what parts don't because most people start with the "cookie cutter" topics like this (that can easily be compared to other songs). But, I'd recommend you branch out into other topics and starting thinking about metaphors or specific words that imply imagery. I'll let someone else handle the line by line critique--I just thought I'd put that thought out on the table.
peace,
-nick
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It only takes one jerk to prove any hypothesis absolutely false. Like, have you ever heard the rumor that you can drop cash on the street in Tokyo and the people are so honest that someone will find it, pick it up, and take it to the cops? Well, that's absolutely 100% not true, because I once found a plain envelope on the ground with "6,000 yen" written on it. Inside was 6,000 yen. I put it in my pocket and kept walking.
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