aaronr

Hey im new here and this is my first song I ever wrote. Im 18 years old and I have always hated writing all through high school. Since Michael Jackson died I seem to have been motivated to write and make music. I noticed that it is a lot harder than MJ made it seem.

So... I just want to release some good music in honour of MJ. This is an unfinished piece of work. I would just like to get some feedback on if I am on the right track. Thanks


Without A Doubt

Her smooth talks
The way she walks
With silky long hair
A One of a kind standing over there

Could we just have a conversation?
Her eyes are the definition of persuasion
Girl I believe that without a doubt


This is what love is all about
I need you by my side, day and night
Cause you make me feel so dam right
You wont ever get the chance to pout
When I am with you theres no need to shout

I say I love you
Cuz you know its true
People call it a phrase
But you know its my craze
Since I saw you that first time
There aint a thing i wouldnt do to make you mine


I just dont know where to start
This girl stole my breaking heart
With her theres no need to fight
Cause she makes me feel so right

It happened all so quick
Like and angel's trick
I cant imagine life without her
Ill stay with her forever
Even after death do us part
We shall live in each others heart

This girl rocked my world without a doubt

Surely this is what love is all about
I need her by my side, day and night
Cause she makes me feel so dam right
You wont ever get the chance to pout
When I am with you theres no need to shout

I say I love you
Cuz you know its true
People call it a phrase
But you know its my craze
Since I saw you that first time
There aint a thing i wouldnt do to make you mine
And i will never let her out
From now til the end of time
There aint a thing i wouldnt do for this dime

Standing over there acting like it aint about to go down
Id do anything to get rid of your frown
Even if i had to drown
I will do it and give you your crown

You know we were meant to be
Ill love you endlessly
Girl just come with me
We will go to the beaches of miami
It wont be a problem
Just let me take you to harlem
And show you how life would be with me

Girl you rocked my world without a doubt
And i will never let you out
From now til the end of time
There isnt anything i wouldnt do to make you mine

Gazing at your eyes gives me an electric twitch
Without you i have a troubling itch

Nicktarist

It's okay--for a first song at least. But as a rule of thumb, it's a dangerous thing to post your very first song anywhere. When you start, it's pretty obvious what parts work and what parts don't because most people start with the "cookie cutter" topics like this (that can easily be compared to other songs). But, I'd recommend you branch out into other topics and starting thinking about metaphors or specific words that imply imagery. I'll let someone else handle the line by line critique--I just thought I'd put that thought out on the table.

peace,
-nick

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aaronr

Thanks for replying.

But I dont really understand anything you said. Whats wrong about posting my first song? Whats a cookie cutter?

I get the part about branching out. Im thinking about making about 10 songs all about diferent topics. This is just my first.

Jim Colyer

Young love is a wonderful thing. Let's hope it lasts.

Rainfall

That's exactly what Nicktarist is talking about lol
I look forward to seeing your new stuff though.

__________________
Rule #7 – Trust only when trusted.

aaronr

wow thanks guys that really helps! i knew i had something good but I just need to work on structure.

I stopped writing for a while but reading that you guys didnt think it wasnt too bad, im going to start again! thanks guys