Music Banter - View Single Post - The Ballad of Joey and Donnie (my first draft ever)
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Old 09-05-2009, 07:03 PM   #6 (permalink)
Rainfall
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, Oregon
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After re-reading it for the fourth time, I got what you meant. When I read it before, the first time you said 'sitting there for a minute, maybe two,' made it sound like he had been sitting there with his eyes closed for a whole minute or something, but you meant since he had pulled up to the light. I still think you have all this 'suspense' built up, so you should eliminate as many lines as possible to run with that built up energy.

JMO
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