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Old 09-05-2009, 12:06 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default The Ballad of Joey and Donnie (my first draft ever)

So this is inspired by this little kid neighbor guy i saw who was trying to get in his car and then his mom or dad came and took him somewhere. I was intrigued for some stupid ass reason. I don't know if I'll ever do more of this but this is kinda like a pilot of sorts; if people like it enough, I might do more. Doubtful though.

So yeah, criticism is welcome, I'll try and take it like someone who has testes. I wrote this in thirty minutes I believe, and as I mentioned, it's a first draft, so criticism will help me lead this in the direction of something good if you guys persuade me that it isn't. Or something. Enjoy, I hope.

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“It’s hot in here!” Joey said to his father.
“I understand that,” Donnie assured his son, “but we can’t turn the air conditioner on.”
“And why is that?” Joey retorted.
“Because it could trigger a bomb in the engine.”
“I already checked for bombs!” Joey exclaimed. The sweat was thickening on his head, and his milkshake had melted; he wasn’t having a good day. “Turn the air conditioner on; I can’t stand this Arkansas heat!”
Donnie thought for a moment. His son was captain of the bomb squad in Chicago. His word was reliable. Now he could feel his son staring daggers in the back of his head.
‘The A.C. couldn’t hurt…’ he thought. So he ran his hand across the stereo/air conditioning controls over to the knob and stopped when he put his hand on it. At this red light, he stopped and stared at the knob. The sweat was piling on his forehead now, getting into his eyes. His heart was beating in his ears loudly. This control of comfortable air could be the control of him and his son’s fate. He started to turn it, swallowed, and cranked it up to the fourth knob; he was jumping right into possibly shark infested waters. Donnie’s vision started fading; was it the heat or the nerve wracking intensity of the situation?
BANG!! he heard. Then he opened his eyes. The light was turning yellow. He’d been here for a minute, maybe two. It’s not good to sit still in this car, with his cargo.
Donnie looked around nervously. Nothing was wrong. Everything was as it should be. He looked in the backseat to see Joey laughing hysterically. Donnie hadn’t heard it till he looked back, so apparently his hearing went out too. He wasn’t a wreck; he was a train collision.
“And what is so god damned funny?!” Donnie demanded. His teeth were so clenched they could have broken or cracked under the pressure (following suit of the owner). Joey couldn’t answer through his laughter. Donnie grits his teeth roughly and turns back around. The light has turned yellow again. He runs right through it. From the backseat, he hears:
“I scared the **** out of you, didn’t I?” Joey asked, still chuckling. Donnie slammed on the brakes. Joey shut up. Donnie turned around with a grin resemblant to that of the Cheshire Cat.
“Yep.” He said simply. So simply is was almost ravenous. “Don’t curse. You’re nine years old.”
“Yes, daddy,” Joey said. He was looking down at this point; not only was he terrified, he was ashamed of himself. He’s a night school attendant at Harvard’s Law school, a leader of multiple government agencies, and he was behaving like a ten year old. ‘Shame on you, Mr. Murdoch!’ he thought. ‘You’re behaving like that boy from next door.’ Oh, that boy from next door was a menace. Good for an amusing moment, but he was nothing to look to when in need for some inspiration or ambition.
Donnie and Joey finally reached the air strip where the son would take his place on a private jet which would take him to his night school. He grabbed his Spongebob Squarepants backpack and opened the car door. He looked toward the airplane he caught every other Friday and counted his blessings. Then he looked to his father.
“I love you daddy. Sorry for my rude manner earlier. It won’t happen again.”
Donnie was touched. His son certainly was something else. “I love you too, Joey. It’s quite alright; we all gotta be kids at some point.” He kissed his hand and tapped Joey’s cheek. Joey smiled his beautiful smile and hopped out of the car towards the beast of a jet. He looked back as he approached the monstrosity of a jet and stared for a moment at his humble transportation to the lair of this beast. He thought about lucky he was to have these opportunities, but also how cursed his life was to have these burdens. He was missing out on the best part of his life. His father waved at him. With concern in his eyes but joy on his face, he waved back, and turned the beast. Donnie watched it consume him as he entered.
The plane left, and Donnie was alone. More alone than he could imagine, seeing as he would pick his son up the following day. But he thought about how that airplane consumed him, and how this whole lifestyle was starting to consume him.
‘Sorry for my rude manner earlier…’ It hung in his mind like a bad omen. This isn’t normal nine year old behavior. Joey definitely wasn’t the average nine year old, he knew that well. But for his son to be so mature at this young an age wasn’t… natural. It didn’t seem right to him.
The jet was high in the sky now. He looked back at it and sighed. He put the car in gear and drove away, feeling more alone than ever.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhateverDude View Post
Laser beams, psychedelic hats, and for some reason kittens. Surrel reminds me of kittens.
^if you wanna know perfection that's it, you dumb shits
Spoiler for guess what:
|i am a heron i ahev a long neck and i pick fish out of the water w/ my beak if you dont repost this comment on 10 other pages i will fly into your kitchen tonight and make a mess of your pots and pans
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Old 09-05-2009, 12:48 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Interesting... I wouldn't mind reading more.

Quote:
Joey smiled his beautiful smile and hopped out of the car towards the beast of a jet. He looked back as he approached the monstrosity of a jet and stared for a moment at his humble transportation to the lair of this beast.
A small thing here: you use the term 'of a jet' twice, and the word 'beast' twice. Just change it around a little, and it'll flow better.

And some explination of why a ten year old is captain of a bomb squad would be nice haha. I'm guessing it has something to do with him being not exactly 'natural'?

Edit: and maybe smooth this part out a little more:
Quote:
BANG!! he heard. Then he opened his eyes. The light was turning yellow. He’d been here for a minute, maybe two. It’s not good to sit still in this car, with his cargo.
Donnie looked around nervously. Nothing was wrong. Everything was as it should be. He looked in the backseat to see Joey laughing hysterically. Donnie hadn’t heard it till he looked back, so apparently his hearing went out too. He wasn’t a wreck; he was a train collision.
“And what is so god damned funny?!” Donnie demanded. His teeth were so clenched they could have broken or cracked under the pressure (following suit of the owner). Joey couldn’t answer through his laughter. Donnie grits his teeth roughly and turns back around. The light has turned yellow again. He runs right through it. From the backseat, he hears:
“I scared the **** out of you, didn’t I?” Joey asked, still chuckling. Donnie slammed on the brakes. Joey shut up. Donnie turned around with a grin resemblant to that of the Cheshire Cat.
I think Donnie knew why Joey was laughing, as it was obvious. Maybe instead: 'You think that was funny?"
And why was Donnie sitting at the light so damn long? The line I put in bold seemed unecessary in the 'spur of the moment' you got built up. Maybe instead of 'The light has turned yellow again' something like 'by that time, several minutes have passed, and the light had turned yellow again.'
It may just be me, but I think it would read better like that, or something similar.
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Last edited by Rainfall; 09-05-2009 at 12:59 AM.
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Old 09-05-2009, 12:54 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Man, it's like I said, I saw a kid get into his car with his spongebob backpack on and I went "man he killed some people!".

But you're right, I guess I got a little weirded out on that section and made some strange grammatical choices. Thanks for helpin me recognize it, though. I'm pretty sure I woulda skipped right over it had it not been brought up!

And I'm also glad you liked it, or at least thought it was interesting and wouldn't mind mo product! Good reviews so far.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhateverDude View Post
Laser beams, psychedelic hats, and for some reason kittens. Surrel reminds me of kittens.
^if you wanna know perfection that's it, you dumb shits
Spoiler for guess what:
|i am a heron i ahev a long neck and i pick fish out of the water w/ my beak if you dont repost this comment on 10 other pages i will fly into your kitchen tonight and make a mess of your pots and pans
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Old 09-05-2009, 01:02 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Jesus christ, by the time I added an edit you had already commented. Haha, I like that.

Hey, compared to my first drafts, yours was golden. I mix up words when typing in a frenzy. I should've added more positive critique, because it was good. Kudos!
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Old 09-05-2009, 12:35 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rainfall View Post
I think Donnie knew why Joey was laughing, as it was obvious. Maybe instead: 'You think that was funny?"
And why was Donnie sitting at the light so damn long? The line I put in bold seemed unecessary in the 'spur of the moment' you got built up. Maybe instead of 'The light has turned yellow again' something like 'by that time, several minutes have passed, and the light had turned yellow again.'
It may just be me, but I think it would read better like that, or something similar.
That part about Joey's laughin may have come out weird, because I was going a different way with it up to Joey's line at first, then I switched it up. I didn't think about whether it would flow right after that change, so I'll review it and see what I can do.
I'm not really understanding the traffic light edit. Several minutes sounds like he's been sitting there longer than what was originally put, which I thought you didn't like? I dunno, I's confused.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhateverDude View Post
Laser beams, psychedelic hats, and for some reason kittens. Surrel reminds me of kittens.
^if you wanna know perfection that's it, you dumb shits
Spoiler for guess what:
|i am a heron i ahev a long neck and i pick fish out of the water w/ my beak if you dont repost this comment on 10 other pages i will fly into your kitchen tonight and make a mess of your pots and pans
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Old 09-05-2009, 08:03 PM   #6 (permalink)
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After re-reading it for the fourth time, I got what you meant. When I read it before, the first time you said 'sitting there for a minute, maybe two,' made it sound like he had been sitting there with his eyes closed for a whole minute or something, but you meant since he had pulled up to the light. I still think you have all this 'suspense' built up, so you should eliminate as many lines as possible to run with that built up energy.

JMO
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Old 09-05-2009, 08:29 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I would like to set this to a bit of slow folky music and sing it with a Bob Dylan sneer, plus an electronic banjo set to eleven.
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Old 09-05-2009, 09:04 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rickenbacker View Post
I would like to set this to a bit of slow folky music and sing it with a Bob Dylan sneer, plus an electronic banjo set to eleven.


why

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Old 09-08-2009, 10:02 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rainfall View Post
After re-reading it for the fourth time, I got what you meant. When I read it before, the first time you said 'sitting there for a minute, maybe two,' made it sound like he had been sitting there with his eyes closed for a whole minute or something, but you meant since he had pulled up to the light. I still think you have all this 'suspense' built up, so you should eliminate as many lines as possible to run with that built up energy.

JMO
I'll take a look at lines that could be dropped for added suspense. But yeah, I'm glad we've reached an understanding! And thanks for all the help bro! :D

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rickenbacker View Post
I would like to set this to a bit of slow folky music and sing it with a Bob Dylan sneer, plus an electronic banjo set to eleven.
You... you wanna make a movie, man?
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhateverDude View Post
Laser beams, psychedelic hats, and for some reason kittens. Surrel reminds me of kittens.
^if you wanna know perfection that's it, you dumb shits
Spoiler for guess what:
|i am a heron i ahev a long neck and i pick fish out of the water w/ my beak if you dont repost this comment on 10 other pages i will fly into your kitchen tonight and make a mess of your pots and pans
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