Your lyrics are basic. They're good enough to give someone to sing without being laughable (in the situation given). There's nothing I would really change.
But, all you metal heads seem to like giving us notes on 'instrumental breaks' and 'guitar solos' and 'breakdowns' and whatnot. You don't need to do that... Please don't do that. If you wish for us to read it, give it to us like a poem. If you want us to hear it, than give us a recording. Don't stradle the fence.
peace,
-nick
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It only takes one jerk to prove any hypothesis absolutely false. Like, have you ever heard the rumor that you can drop cash on the street in Tokyo and the people are so honest that someone will find it, pick it up, and take it to the cops? Well, that's absolutely 100% not true, because I once found a plain envelope on the ground with "6,000 yen" written on it. Inside was 6,000 yen. I put it in my pocket and kept walking.
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