Music Banter - View Single Post - VeggieLovers Journey into Lyrics and Poetry
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Old 01-21-2010, 12:31 AM   #44 (permalink)
VEGANGELICA
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Where people kill 30 million pigs per year
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VeggieLover View Post

I heard it Second Hand
Over time, she had snuffed out her sun. Evening birds and unruly children on the sunny street below the window were silenced, first by the glass itself and then by layers of red and black fabric – dusty curtains that had not been disturbed in months. The outside world was completely shut out, no foreign light or voice defiled this space that she had claimed as her own just under a year ago.

...Her black retinas regarded the world with the kind of numbness and detachment seen in neglected and starving dogs. [...] These meals pointlessly arrived three times a day, the only instances in which time asserted itself. Didn’t that worry of a woman understand that food is only for those who desire to live? Was there a possibility that these remnants of a girl were even still alive?
Quote:
Originally Posted by AwwSugar View Post
I think you created a life for this character wonderfully.
Hey VeggieLover,
I agree with AwwSugar that your vivid description of a character shutting herself off from life seems very realistic, due to all the details. The story is also compelling. I want to know why this girl wants to die and is emotionally barely alive!

Two questions/suggestions:

I was surprised by her retinas being described as black, since retinas are actually reddish (when light shines on them). Do you mean her pupils are black? Or that there is so little light getting into her eyeballs that the retinas seem black?

Also, I feel you could leave out the final sentence, "Was there a possibility that these remnants of a girl were even still alive?" because it breaks me out of the voyeurism of this girl's life and restates blatantly what you have just shown in your description of her. It sounds like a narrator's commentary on what we, the readers, have just observed and concluded ourselves by reading everything that came before. I would rather be led by you, the writer, to this conclusion without you having to state it so openly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by VeggieLover View Post
I just got a ukulele and can finally put music to my lyrics. I'm finding it's also a lot easier to make up lyrics when there is already music as well. I've already put the rainbow one from the very first page to music (kind of a silly kids song type thing) and here is my very first ever love song:

Inbetween Time

Running through the starlight
A pair of alpha wolves
A ballroom in the misty rain
This sweet fantasy keeps my shoulders straight
These wond'rings keep me sane

Chorus
When the distances between us
Are a calandar or two
Let us go down dancing
Betwixt the mists of time
When the distance inbetween us
Is just a calandar
Let us dance, let us take refuge
Inbetween times

Hello, baby, how are you?
It's been a long hard day,
and I've missed you

Is it love lost hold, direction,
Walking a stretched phone line?
How do yo know I love you
When you're oh so far away?
But I do.

Chorus

But the cuffs and chains that bind us
to the city walls so cold,
Responsibility, will keep us occupied
Until your paw in mine I'll hold

Hello baby, how are you?
It's been a long hard day,
And I've missed you
and I love you.
How I've missed you.

Let us go down dancing
Betwixt the mists of time
Let us go, let us go out dancing
Inbetween time.
And i love you, how I love you
Inbetween time
Inbetween time.

It ends up being about 5 minutes long..because it's very slow.
What a privilege to read a first love song! It describes well a long-distance relationship, the yearning for togetherness, and I think a relationship between people of different ages (all the calender references make me think this).

When I read "alpha wolves," the first image that popped into my mind was the "Twilight" vampire series books with Jacob as the alpha wolf. If I were you, I'd nix that description because it sounds so "Twilight"-ish. I'd modify "until your paw in mine I hold" for the same reason, and, if it is used, say "until I hold your paw in mine" to avoid convoluting the grammar. However, my quibbles might disappear when I actually hear the lyrics with the music, since the music may make the word order seem less obvious!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Neapolitan:
If a chicken was smart enough to be able to speak English and run in a geometric pattern, then I think it should be smart enough to dial 911 (999) before getting the axe, and scream to the operator, "Something must be done! Something must be done!"
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