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Old 01-17-2010, 03:49 PM   #41 (permalink)
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im working on it, but idk how to do the whole youtube thing. Also, i barely know any ukulele so the "chords" are very very very VERY simple. My brother just about punched my face in listening to it cuz its so repetitive. Oh well, i love the melody. :P
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Old 01-17-2010, 03:59 PM   #42 (permalink)
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There are a lot of people who can do the "whole youtube thing" on here :P I can't dit though... but I mean if you like the melody, then I'm pretty sure it'll be good!


Btw... I really hope that your brother didn't literally like want to punch you...cuz well... that isn't very nice =/ lol
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Old 01-17-2010, 08:03 PM   #43 (permalink)
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lol no, he didn't *actually* want to hit me, but he *did* forcibly remove the ukulele from his general vicinity
I took the uke to youth group tonight and it was a big hit, but sadly, no one really knows much about it. oh well, i'll figure *something* out to improve the darn thing.
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Old 01-21-2010, 12:31 AM   #44 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VeggieLover View Post

I heard it Second Hand
Over time, she had snuffed out her sun. Evening birds and unruly children on the sunny street below the window were silenced, first by the glass itself and then by layers of red and black fabric – dusty curtains that had not been disturbed in months. The outside world was completely shut out, no foreign light or voice defiled this space that she had claimed as her own just under a year ago.

...Her black retinas regarded the world with the kind of numbness and detachment seen in neglected and starving dogs. [...] These meals pointlessly arrived three times a day, the only instances in which time asserted itself. Didn’t that worry of a woman understand that food is only for those who desire to live? Was there a possibility that these remnants of a girl were even still alive?
Quote:
Originally Posted by AwwSugar View Post
I think you created a life for this character wonderfully.
Hey VeggieLover,
I agree with AwwSugar that your vivid description of a character shutting herself off from life seems very realistic, due to all the details. The story is also compelling. I want to know why this girl wants to die and is emotionally barely alive!

Two questions/suggestions:

I was surprised by her retinas being described as black, since retinas are actually reddish (when light shines on them). Do you mean her pupils are black? Or that there is so little light getting into her eyeballs that the retinas seem black?

Also, I feel you could leave out the final sentence, "Was there a possibility that these remnants of a girl were even still alive?" because it breaks me out of the voyeurism of this girl's life and restates blatantly what you have just shown in your description of her. It sounds like a narrator's commentary on what we, the readers, have just observed and concluded ourselves by reading everything that came before. I would rather be led by you, the writer, to this conclusion without you having to state it so openly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by VeggieLover View Post
I just got a ukulele and can finally put music to my lyrics. I'm finding it's also a lot easier to make up lyrics when there is already music as well. I've already put the rainbow one from the very first page to music (kind of a silly kids song type thing) and here is my very first ever love song:

Inbetween Time

Running through the starlight
A pair of alpha wolves
A ballroom in the misty rain
This sweet fantasy keeps my shoulders straight
These wond'rings keep me sane

Chorus
When the distances between us
Are a calandar or two
Let us go down dancing
Betwixt the mists of time
When the distance inbetween us
Is just a calandar
Let us dance, let us take refuge
Inbetween times

Hello, baby, how are you?
It's been a long hard day,
and I've missed you

Is it love lost hold, direction,
Walking a stretched phone line?
How do yo know I love you
When you're oh so far away?
But I do.

Chorus

But the cuffs and chains that bind us
to the city walls so cold,
Responsibility, will keep us occupied
Until your paw in mine I'll hold

Hello baby, how are you?
It's been a long hard day,
And I've missed you
and I love you.
How I've missed you.

Let us go down dancing
Betwixt the mists of time
Let us go, let us go out dancing
Inbetween time.
And i love you, how I love you
Inbetween time
Inbetween time.

It ends up being about 5 minutes long..because it's very slow.
What a privilege to read a first love song! It describes well a long-distance relationship, the yearning for togetherness, and I think a relationship between people of different ages (all the calender references make me think this).

When I read "alpha wolves," the first image that popped into my mind was the "Twilight" vampire series books with Jacob as the alpha wolf. If I were you, I'd nix that description because it sounds so "Twilight"-ish. I'd modify "until your paw in mine I hold" for the same reason, and, if it is used, say "until I hold your paw in mine" to avoid convoluting the grammar. However, my quibbles might disappear when I actually hear the lyrics with the music, since the music may make the word order seem less obvious!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Neapolitan:
If a chicken was smart enough to be able to speak English and run in a geometric pattern, then I think it should be smart enough to dial 911 (999) before getting the axe, and scream to the operator, "Something must be done! Something must be done!"
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Old 01-25-2010, 05:28 PM   #45 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA View Post
Hey VeggieLover,
I agree with AwwSugar that your vivid description of a character shutting herself off from life seems very realistic, due to all the details. The story is also compelling. I want to know why this girl wants to die and is emotionally barely alive!

Two questions/suggestions:

I was surprised by her retinas being described as black, since retinas are actually reddish (when light shines on them). Do you mean her pupils are black? Or that there is so little light getting into her eyeballs that the retinas seem black?

Also, I feel you could leave out the final sentence, "Was there a possibility that these remnants of a girl were even still alive?" because it breaks me out of the voyeurism of this girl's life and restates blatantly what you have just shown in your description of her. It sounds like a narrator's commentary on what we, the readers, have just observed and concluded ourselves by reading everything that came before. I would rather be led by you, the writer, to this conclusion without you having to state it so openly.



What a privilege to read a first love song! It describes well a long-distance relationship, the yearning for togetherness, and I think a relationship between people of different ages (all the calender references make me think this).

When I read "alpha wolves," the first image that popped into my mind was the "Twilight" vampire series books with Jacob as the alpha wolf. If I were you, I'd nix that description because it sounds so "Twilight"-ish. I'd modify "until your paw in mine I hold" for the same reason, and, if it is used, say "until I hold your paw in mine" to avoid convoluting the grammar. However, my quibbles might disappear when I actually hear the lyrics with the music, since the music may make the word order seem less obvious!
I always appreciate your critisism Vegangelica, but I must say first and foremost that I absoluetly refuse, as an artist and an admirer of the beautiful animals we have almost exterminated from the planet, to eliminate a referance to wolves because of the juvinille and frankly ridiculous series Twilight. Sooner or later our nation's obsession with it will cease, and when it does, my song will be no less or better for it. Even if the image of a werewolf comes to mind, I would suggest to anyone who sees "Jacob" as the first image when hearing that line to please expand into some legitimate werewolf and vampire literature and to please stop corrupting this particular ancient legend with a mockery of a triology.

now that my little rant is over, I can move on. I'm very glad that you enjoyed the song, and yes, it is about a long distance relationship between two people seperated both by physical distance and by a substantial (at least for the time being) age difference. And you know me and word order



And thx for the retina clarification... I will edit that word to be more appropriate. And the last sentance was left over from an earlier version that ended in a much more cliche way... so that gets edited too! thx.

Here's the video for "Inbetween Time". You can't see me at all cuz it's so dark, but that's ok. Also, i had just gotten over being way sick, so that's why my voice cracks. Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkS5p...safe_search=on
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Last edited by VeggieLover; 01-25-2010 at 05:36 PM.
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Old 01-25-2010, 07:06 PM   #46 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by VeggieLover View Post
I always appreciate your critisism Vegangelica, but I must say first and foremost that I absoluetly refuse, as an artist and an admirer of the beautiful animals we have almost exterminated from the planet, to eliminate a referance to wolves because of the juvinille and frankly ridiculous series Twilight. "
Heh heh...I'd just seen New Moon and read all the Twilight books, so the Jacob wolf image was on my mind when I read your song!

Quote:
Here's the video for "Inbetween Time". You can't see me at all cuz it's so dark, but that's ok. Also, i had just gotten over being way sick, so that's why my voice cracks. Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkS5p...safe_search=on
Oh, it is so lovely to hear your voice (though I've heard it before on your one Snow State song)! You have a beautiful, resonant, strong voice...even when having just gotten over being sick.

Am I remembering correctly that your brother plays guitar, and that's why he wanted to punch your face in...due to the ukulele playing? I do feel the warmth of the guitar chords would really support your song better than the uke. Which is cute in its cute twangy uke way. (I know you like your ukulele, so I don't want to be too harsh on this cute little instrument.)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Neapolitan:
If a chicken was smart enough to be able to speak English and run in a geometric pattern, then I think it should be smart enough to dial 911 (999) before getting the axe, and scream to the operator, "Something must be done! Something must be done!"

Last edited by VEGANGELICA; 01-25-2010 at 07:16 PM.
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Old 01-25-2010, 10:45 PM   #47 (permalink)
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Ha ya, i know that my ukulele (her name is Lum btw) doesn't sound to swell... I've only had it for what, two weeks now? but thank you, im very proud of the song overall and I've gotten almost exclusively positive feedback... I'm trying to persuade a genius in my choir to write a song with me (he plays guitar) and maybe he can fit in some guitar stuff for this one while we're at it.

And I'm not going to try to explain my brother... he's just angry lol. and ya, he plays, but he's kinda stopped lately.
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Old 02-10-2010, 10:30 PM   #48 (permalink)
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My newest song called "Beauty Burns"... this one actually has chords and not just plinking! there is a brief Beatles reference...

Beauty Burns
Autumn leaves they whisper
Soft goodbyes,
To the trees that held them tall
in the summer skys.

But we, we hardly notice,
There's no suprise at all.
No one tries to catch them,
We just watch them fall.

A new and fragile blossom
Wilting in the rain,
Blinks tired eyes, taught to disguise
Her own and others' pain.

But we, we just won't notice
There's no suprise at all.
No one tries to catch her,
We just let her fall.

Who is now?
When am I?
Whither am I going?
And how's the way to cry, to cry?

Who is then?
When are they?
Wither are you going,
And do you know the way?

Yesterday all my troubles were oh so far away (repeat)
now.... *well*

Leaves must drop, and flowers bloom,
just to wilt away,
But beauty could be burning,
and we'd just turn away.
would you just turn away?

Who is now?
When are they?
Wither are we going,
and is there still a way?

Who is now?
When am I?
Wither am I going,
and how's the way to cry? To cry... to cry...
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"Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."
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Old 02-18-2010, 02:23 PM   #49 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VeggieLover View Post
My newest song called "Beauty Burns"... this one actually has chords and not just plinking! there is a brief Beatles reference...

Beauty Burns
Autumn leaves they whisper
Soft goodbyes,
To the trees that held them tall
in the summer skys.

But we, we hardly notice,
There's no suprise at all.
No one tries to catch them,
We just watch them fall.

A new and fragile blossom
Wilting in the rain,
Blinks tired eyes, taught to disguise
Her own and others' pain.


But we, we just won't notice
There's no suprise at all.
No one tries to catch her,
We just let her fall.

Leaves must drop, and flowers bloom,
just to wilt away,
But beauty could be burning,
and we'd just turn away.
would you just turn away?

Who is now?
When are they?
Wither are we going,
and is there still a way?

Who is now?
When am I?
Wither am I going,
and how's the way to cry? To cry... to cry...
Hi Veggie,

Your song describes someone numb to the world, unable to acknowledge her own pain (or feel others) and thus unable to appreciate positive emotions about the beauty of nature and life around her.

"Beauty burns"--I expected this to refer to the ability (to sense beauty) burning away until one can no longer sense the beautiful in anything. In your song, though, the phrase appears to be saying that beauty is so brilliant, it is as if it were burning...so brilliant people should be able to see it. I would have perhaps liked to see more references to burning that describe beauty being so brilliant that it almost burns, and to describe how people lose the ability to appreciate beauty...a second meaning of "beauty burns."

"Wither" as in "wither am I going." I know you like old-fashioned words. Once again, though, this word jumped out at me as archaic. I'd prefer "where," although the question of "where am I going" seems very commonplace.

"Who is now. When am I." Interesting inversion of the usual questions, which would be "When is now. Who am I."

"How's the way to cry? To cry...to cry" line sounds melodramatic to me, even if that may be how it feels when one (you?) is feeling this question and trying to let the feelings out. I know you mean that the person is trying to figure out a way to feel her pain, to acknowledge it and let it out, so that she can feel the beauty of life, too, right?

Tiny correction: "surprise" needs the first r.

~ Erica
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Neapolitan:
If a chicken was smart enough to be able to speak English and run in a geometric pattern, then I think it should be smart enough to dial 911 (999) before getting the axe, and scream to the operator, "Something must be done! Something must be done!"
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Old 02-22-2010, 01:55 PM   #50 (permalink)
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Thanks for replying. The song is more about how we've become so desensitized (i think that's the word?) to both the beauty and the pain in the world than a specific person learning how to express pain (although, that could certainly be a part of it.) Autumn is both tragic and beautiful, but both qualities no longer suprise (the vast majority of) us. In the same way, it's possible to observe girls of my age (not me specifically) being taught to either hide or hide behind the tragic beauty of developing and changing emotional balance (or inbalance). The chorus' inversion of questions was purposeful... "who is now:" who is important to be with right now? what if that person what going to die tomorrow, would you live differently? "When am I:" A personal question... when am i living? the past present or future? It's important for me to remember to live NOW. "hows the way to cry" another personal reference, I literally had to teach myself to let myself be weak enough to cry, tho this could also refer to the general theme of desensitisation.
In this song, "beauty burns" literally means that beauty is capable of burning, that it can and will disappear if we continue to take it for granted. Beauty could catch on fire, and we'd probably just watch it burn instead of trying to save it.
I had a deadline to write this song and i think i tried to combine too many ideas into one song for the sake of being finished. If i replaced the second verse with:
"A new and fragile blossom
Greats the new day's sun
With tired eyes, taught to despise
The race we've got to run"
would that make the message more clear or more muddled? Also, is the "yesterday" reference confusing to the intended theme of the song?

And i know you find the old words destracting, and on paper, i agree that they are... but when i sing them i don't think they stand out so much, agian, that's just the way i talk and it sounds natural coming out of my mouth. Most of the time i get complements on my old fashioned word choice (from my peers).
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