Hi littleknowitall,
Your song does a good job of describing the apathy of someone who seems to have lost hope for reaching any goal in life. I like the thoughtful imagery...a cannon firing at the sun is never going to be able to hit its mark, since the sun is too far away, so it is hopeless, the goal unachievable. The description of the person doesn't make it sound like s/he is shooting any cannons, though. It sounds like she is stuck, just barely getting by at life. Your lyrics remind me of a description of a girl in a fairly recent post by VeggieLover, so you might like reading that if you haven't yet.
Your YouTube video says it is set on privacy mode, so I couldn't view it to listen to the rough song. Are you able to set it on a public setting?
I have several comments about the lyrics. I think they get the idea across quickly, without being unnecessarily long. I'm not sure how I have an image of dogs in aprons serving dinner on a plate! A question: how does the eating disorder of the person (I assume a woman?) relate to the rest of the song and her personality/situation? Since this detail about her was placed in the song, I want to figure out how it relates to the rest of it. I was surprised that someone so apathetic about life and in pain (or numb) would care so much about appearance...but I guess that's just how life is sometimes!
You repeat "day" and "day" in lines right after each other, rhyming them with "away." I'd prefer not having two words repeated in such quick succession...just my own preference. It probably sounds fine in the song. I do like "motivate yourself to make it through the day" because I think that line summarizes the feeling of the song: here is someone for whom life has become a dull, lonely, almost meaningless grind from which she can't escape.
Title possibilities. Hmm. What popped into my mind were "Wasted" (because of the life being wasted, and the way the person is "intoxicated" with behaviors that don't get her out of the life she is in) and "Fortress" (because the person is cut off from the flow of life), but that's probably too obvious since you mention "Fortress" in the first line.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Neapolitan:
If a chicken was smart enough to be able to speak English and run in a geometric pattern, then I think it should be smart enough to dial 911 (999) before getting the axe, and scream to the operator, "Something must be done! Something must be done!"
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