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Old 01-21-2010, 05:41 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default New song I wrote.

Tell me what you think. Was trying to write like 'the Jam' ended out sounding far too major I think. I haven't titled it, suggest one if you like.


Verse 1
Living in your digital fortress
With nothing left for you to write about
And you don’t care how your money comes
Just as long as it shows up at your door

D major, C# minor7th, A major, F#5

Pre-chorus 1
The Dogs waiter
For your dirty dinner
Mind intoxicated with
getting thinner
Just another day for you to
Write away
Motivate yourself to make it through the day and…

Bminor7th, E major

Chorus
Oh how it must hurt to have to carry on and on
Like a cannon firing at the sun
Oh how it must hurt to have to carry on and on
Like a cannon firing at the sun

A major, Bminor7th, G major, D major

Verse 2
Your minds caught in a traffic jam
Staring straight at the headlights
can’t complain, living the easy life
Never walking outside of your house,

Pre-chorus 2
Waiting for the day that you moneys out
just another weekend you can laugh about
another lonely day for you to write away
motivate yourself and make it through the day and…

Chorus
Oh how it must hurt to have to carry on and on
like a cannon firing at the sun
Oh how it must hurt to have to carry on and on
Like a cannon firing at the sun


I recorded it for my drummer to get the idea before we practice, I'm no singer so it was just to get an idea of it. I'm not publicizing a singer/songwriter career here. REALLY not. But that's the melody I had in mind....But in tune.


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Old 01-21-2010, 08:53 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi littleknowitall,

Your song does a good job of describing the apathy of someone who seems to have lost hope for reaching any goal in life. I like the thoughtful imagery...a cannon firing at the sun is never going to be able to hit its mark, since the sun is too far away, so it is hopeless, the goal unachievable. The description of the person doesn't make it sound like s/he is shooting any cannons, though. It sounds like she is stuck, just barely getting by at life. Your lyrics remind me of a description of a girl in a fairly recent post by VeggieLover, so you might like reading that if you haven't yet.

Your YouTube video says it is set on privacy mode, so I couldn't view it to listen to the rough song. Are you able to set it on a public setting?

I have several comments about the lyrics. I think they get the idea across quickly, without being unnecessarily long. I'm not sure how I have an image of dogs in aprons serving dinner on a plate! A question: how does the eating disorder of the person (I assume a woman?) relate to the rest of the song and her personality/situation? Since this detail about her was placed in the song, I want to figure out how it relates to the rest of it. I was surprised that someone so apathetic about life and in pain (or numb) would care so much about appearance...but I guess that's just how life is sometimes!

You repeat "day" and "day" in lines right after each other, rhyming them with "away." I'd prefer not having two words repeated in such quick succession...just my own preference. It probably sounds fine in the song. I do like "motivate yourself to make it through the day" because I think that line summarizes the feeling of the song: here is someone for whom life has become a dull, lonely, almost meaningless grind from which she can't escape.

Title possibilities. Hmm. What popped into my mind were "Wasted" (because of the life being wasted, and the way the person is "intoxicated" with behaviors that don't get her out of the life she is in) and "Fortress" (because the person is cut off from the flow of life), but that's probably too obvious since you mention "Fortress" in the first line.
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Old 01-21-2010, 03:41 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Good stuff, but change your youtube privacy setting so we can see it please.
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Old 01-21-2010, 06:33 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Fixed the video, Like I said it's private for a reason...I'm no singer. Working now though.
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Old 01-23-2010, 08:49 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Wow! I really really like this! The pre-chorus is super catchy and I like the line in the Chorus "Like a canon firing at the sun". I know that you said that your not a singer, but even though your voice isn't great, I still really like it. I mean Bruce Springsteen, Bob Dylan, and about 1/2 of the other rock legends can't really sing. I wouldn't hesitate to download this song if you put it on iTunes.
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Old 01-24-2010, 04:12 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA View Post
Hi littleknowitall,

Your song does a good job of describing the apathy of someone who seems to have lost hope for reaching any goal in life. I like the thoughtful imagery...a cannon firing at the sun is never going to be able to hit its mark, since the sun is too far away, so it is hopeless, the goal unachievable. The description of the person doesn't make it sound like s/he is shooting any cannons, though. It sounds like she is stuck, just barely getting by at life. Your lyrics remind me of a description of a girl in a fairly recent post by VeggieLover, so you might like reading that if you haven't yet.

Your YouTube video says it is set on privacy mode, so I couldn't view it to listen to the rough song. Are you able to set it on a public setting?

I have several comments about the lyrics. I think they get the idea across quickly, without being unnecessarily long. I'm not sure how I have an image of dogs in aprons serving dinner on a plate! A question: how does the eating disorder of the person (I assume a woman?) relate to the rest of the song and her personality/situation? Since this detail about her was placed in the song, I want to figure out how it relates to the rest of it. I was surprised that someone so apathetic about life and in pain (or numb) would care so much about appearance...but I guess that's just how life is sometimes!

You repeat "day" and "day" in lines right after each other, rhyming them with "away." I'd prefer not having two words repeated in such quick succession...just my own preference. It probably sounds fine in the song. I do like "motivate yourself to make it through the day" because I think that line summarizes the feeling of the song: here is someone for whom life has become a dull, lonely, almost meaningless grind from which she can't escape.

Title possibilities. Hmm. What popped into my mind were "Wasted" (because of the life being wasted, and the way the person is "intoxicated" with behaviors that don't get her out of the life she is in) and "Fortress" (because the person is cut off from the flow of life), but that's probably too obvious since you mention "Fortress" in the first line.
Er you were off with the eating disorder but that was an inside joke in the lyrics that was meant to sound like I was talking about an eating disorder, the rest of it was incredibly dead on. I'm actually starting to believe they're not subtle enough lol. The Dogs waiter for your dirty dinner refers to a place on wind street in Swansea that does a sex menu and there's a dish on it called 'dirty dogs dinner' that's basically a fry up served in a dog bowl. This songs actually just a rip at my ex but er....not in the cruel kind of way and I'd never tell anyone I know personally that. But songwriting just another way to vent frustration and express how someone feels and it was how I was feeling at the time I was writing it. I say this because If she thinks one day 'what was that site he used to post on' and finds this then I'm up **** creek without a paddle after that. Anyway yeah, thanks for taking the time to read them. Glad you did, the video is now playable if you want to hear them fitting to something or what I had in mind.
Ha, I just realized I wrote a song about a girl, How redundant is that? =D

Also 'Whats Next?' thank you very much I'm very flattered to hear that. I'm glad you liked the song and same to BillyShears, you also are quite welcome to take a gander at the video now if you'd like.
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Old 01-27-2010, 03:56 AM   #7 (permalink)
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really liked prechorus1. i think your chorus could use a little work.. what if you switched the order so it was like a canon firing at the sun, how it hurts to carry on and on? dunno if that helps any. just an idea
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