I'm enjoying this actually, though the night terror bit didn't have enough contrasts in High energy and low energy to get the nightmare across. I definitely wouldn't have gotten that he was in a nightmare if i hadn't read the blip first. If it were me, I'd start off like you did, then build into a "chase scene" or a swirling mood, maybe with a heavy bass drum beat. Though music is all about individual expression, when telling a story through music (especially lyric-less music) it's useful to rely on common human experience and build off of that to get your point across.
The second bit i like, though here too the energy doesn't seem high enough to convey the panic you describe in your post. the lyrics and harmonies fit well and it's overall enjoyable to listen too. But that's just it, its a little bit too enjoyable for me. With a story this specific and creepy, you want to manipulate emotions, pull on the heart strings, maybe pull on your listeners a little bit so they feel what your "man" is feeling. Pull them towards his inevitable conclusion.
You did a better job in the last section, using the low strings to build tension in a way that can and will be resolved in the end. However, i don't think this tension was built up *quiet* enough before the erie lyrics started (wonderful vocals btw, i don't know much about the recording editing process, but i know a good voice when i hear it) The piece ended well, i like that the voices stopped at the end, it brought the piece full circle. However, its unclear whether he actually *did* commit suicide. Perhaps the ambiguity is intentional, perhaps not.
I'm interested on why you decided to split the piece into three distinct tracks. Transitions can and should be what distinguishes the men from the boys (so to speak). Smooth transitions, or purposefully rough ones , can yank around a person's emotions more that anything else. I speak this way from the perspective of a developing writer, but it goes for any art.
Overall, it needed more raw emotion for my taste. But, if I hadn't known what it was about, I wouldn't have had much critisism at all. Work on keeping the vision broad enough to appeal to an audience without sacrificing the integrity of your art and on really experiencing human emotion so you can transfer that to music. I'd love to hear more, keep it up.
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