I like how the poison you choose wasn't directly a poison. If you had said arsenic I'd have said it was cheezy. I'd still move it further away, making them independant. Saying he's apoison addict lets us know shes poisonous, so makes he lies something else.
Your use of the word "sugar" makes me think of Fallout Boy and this triggers two reactions in me.
1.) I hate fallout boy, that song is terrible and so I have a prejudice against it.
2.) and the word sugar doesn't seem to fit with the culture of emo, it seems forced. When I think of someone using the word sugar, i don't picture emo kids. This is the reason their probably doing it, just to be diffrent, but the point is that it seems forced. a man who uses the words for "suger" to describe women does not "hate himself"
also, that line "hate myself to ****ing much". I'd loose it. Self hatred is trite and cliche after nu-mteal forced it down our throat. Go somewhere else with that ending, make another barrier between you and her, self-hatred is just boring. and then, if you do change it, go on to elaborate on the problem.
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