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Old 05-13-2010, 07:20 PM   #2 (permalink)
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Where people kill 30 million pigs per year
Posts: 1,993

Originally Posted by Vanilla View Post
I write a bit of poetry, and I freaking loved Paloma's so thought maybe you might find my stuff okay?

Mind Where You Step

Like explorers we extend,
Following marked flags for maintaining life.
Everywhere turned a 360o artists dream,
Earth’s existence is its price.

A crystalline dreamland,
A feeling of euphoria inside.
Stars never shine here in summer,
But a pure light travels far and wide.

There is no turning back,
No feeling of regret.
All eyes flying forth,
Internally out of breath.

Danger lurks and will deliver,
As many have discovered before.
Entering a realm of insecurity,
Half empty hearts craving for more.
Hi Vanilla,

This first poem sounds like it is about the exuberance of living, not knowing what will happen, and half-choosing our course. I like the line "half-empty hearts craving for more." Sometimes living feels like that. I also like "internally out of breath" because to me that suggests excitement.

I don't understand why "earth's existence is its price," though! Why is earth's existence the price of having the experience of existence (the artist's 360 degree which I assume you mean God's creation)? Are you thinking of the eventual destruction of earth as described in the Bible?

I noticed that in addition to rhymes such as inside/wide and before/more, you like using words that rhyme internally (assonance): life/price, regret/breath. So, you are relaxed enough in your writing not to force the use of rhymes that might sacrifice the meaning you want to achieve. Since I love rhyming and the feel of words, I like seeing how you handle them in your poems.

A White Renaissance

Confined for such a time,
Not knowing to what ends.
Sliding onto a surface so bravely,
Eradicating fears for the mind to mend.

Steadily walking out to white,
A blanket of eerie feelings unwinds.
A vast and overwhelming moment,
God’s creation is so undefined.

Within is a feeling of absolute romance,
As if the world has ended and heaven has begun.
So tiny, yet so strong willed,
A new place to conquer old emotion
Hmm. This one sounds like it is about the feeling of facing the unknown and going out to meet it, filled with fear and joy. I like "within is a feeling of absolute romance, as if the world has ended and heaven has begun." This reminds me of happy moments of euphoria due to just being alive.


The gap has expanded,
It’s taken full control.
Like a suffocating animal,
My every breath is incomplete.

Lights blinking of blinding white,
Pulsating into my heart beat, by beat.
One moment I exist, the next, I do not.
In true accord I lose myself.

When my eyes open I see nothing,
As nothing can be defined.
Its grey and obsoleteness,
Continue to pursue my mind.

In this ash sodden world I wonder,
If this is all it has to offer?
That every reality we made up,
Is merely a figment, to hide from what’s inside?

Was I real?
You think, therefore you are! So, yes, I'd say you are real! I've always been interested in the philosophy of solipsism, since one can't *prove* that anything other than one's self exists...and what if that self were somehow an illusion, too, like you suggest? I very much think everything exists (ourselves and others), but it is interesting to think, hypothetically, what if I were wrong?

The lines that especially interest me are the last two, because they make me wonder what you think might be inside the self, if everything we perceive really were a figment of an imagination.

A question about word choice: why do you write that "in true accord I lose myself?" The poem has a feeling of fear and unrest to me, and yet "accord" means harmony and agreement, so your use of the word surprised me.

I couldn't help but notice that all 3 of your poems are exploring the relationship of the self with itself and reality. They seem very introspective.

EDIT: P.S. I like watching Lady Gaga in your avatar. She looks very feisty!!
Originally Posted by Neapolitan:
If a chicken was smart enough to be able to speak English and run in a geometric pattern, then I think it should be smart enough to dial 911 (999) before getting the axe, and scream to the operator, "Something must be done! Something must be done!"

Last edited by VEGANGELICA; 05-13-2010 at 07:26 PM.
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