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Old 05-12-2010, 04:14 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Posts: 5,832
Default The depth of the mind can surprise...

I write a bit of poetry, and I freaking loved Paloma's so thought maybe you might find my stuff okay?

Mind Where You Step

Like explorers we extend,
Following marked flags for maintaining life.
Everywhere turned a 360o artists dream,
Earth’s existence is its price.

A crystalline dreamland,
A feeling of euphoria inside.
Stars never shine here in summer,
But a pure light travels far and wide.

There is no turning back,
No feeling of regret.
All eyes flying forth,
Internally out of breath.

Danger lurks and will deliver,
As many have discovered before.
Entering a realm of insecurity,
Half empty hearts craving for more.

A White Renaissance

Confined for such a time,
Not knowing to what ends.
Sliding onto a surface so bravely,
Eradicating fears for the mind to mend.

Steadily walking out to white,
A blanket of eerie feelings unwinds.
A vast and overwhelming moment,
God’s creation is so undefined.

Within is a feeling of absolute romance,
As if the world has ended and heaven has begun.
So tiny, yet so strong willed,
A new place to conquer old emotion

Solipsism

The gap has expanded,
It’s taken full control.
Like a suffocating animal,
My every breath is incomplete.

Lights blinking of blinding white,
Pulsating into my heart beat, by beat.
One moment I exist, the next, I do not.
In true accord I lose myself.

When my eyes open I see nothing,
As nothing can be defined.
Its grey and obsoleteness,
Continue to pursue my mind.

In this ash sodden world I wonder,
If this is all it has to offer?
That every reality we made up,
Is merely a figment, to hide from what’s inside?

Was I real?
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Old 05-13-2010, 08:20 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vanilla View Post
I write a bit of poetry, and I freaking loved Paloma's so thought maybe you might find my stuff okay?

Mind Where You Step

Like explorers we extend,
Following marked flags for maintaining life.
Everywhere turned a 360o artists dream,
Earth’s existence is its price.

A crystalline dreamland,
A feeling of euphoria inside.
Stars never shine here in summer,
But a pure light travels far and wide.

There is no turning back,
No feeling of regret.
All eyes flying forth,
Internally out of breath.

Danger lurks and will deliver,
As many have discovered before.
Entering a realm of insecurity,
Half empty hearts craving for more.
Hi Vanilla,

This first poem sounds like it is about the exuberance of living, not knowing what will happen, and half-choosing our course. I like the line "half-empty hearts craving for more." Sometimes living feels like that. I also like "internally out of breath" because to me that suggests excitement.

I don't understand why "earth's existence is its price," though! Why is earth's existence the price of having the experience of existence (the artist's 360 degree dream...by which I assume you mean God's creation)? Are you thinking of the eventual destruction of earth as described in the Bible?

I noticed that in addition to rhymes such as inside/wide and before/more, you like using words that rhyme internally (assonance): life/price, regret/breath. So, you are relaxed enough in your writing not to force the use of rhymes that might sacrifice the meaning you want to achieve. Since I love rhyming and the feel of words, I like seeing how you handle them in your poems.

Quote:
A White Renaissance

Confined for such a time,
Not knowing to what ends.
Sliding onto a surface so bravely,
Eradicating fears for the mind to mend.

Steadily walking out to white,
A blanket of eerie feelings unwinds.
A vast and overwhelming moment,
God’s creation is so undefined.

Within is a feeling of absolute romance,
As if the world has ended and heaven has begun.
So tiny, yet so strong willed,
A new place to conquer old emotion
Hmm. This one sounds like it is about the feeling of facing the unknown and going out to meet it, filled with fear and joy. I like "within is a feeling of absolute romance, as if the world has ended and heaven has begun." This reminds me of happy moments of euphoria due to just being alive.

Quote:
Solipsism

The gap has expanded,
It’s taken full control.
Like a suffocating animal,
My every breath is incomplete.

Lights blinking of blinding white,
Pulsating into my heart beat, by beat.
One moment I exist, the next, I do not.
In true accord I lose myself.

When my eyes open I see nothing,
As nothing can be defined.
Its grey and obsoleteness,
Continue to pursue my mind.

In this ash sodden world I wonder,
If this is all it has to offer?
That every reality we made up,
Is merely a figment, to hide from what’s inside?


Was I real?
You think, therefore you are! So, yes, I'd say you are real! I've always been interested in the philosophy of solipsism, since one can't *prove* that anything other than one's self exists...and what if that self were somehow an illusion, too, like you suggest? I very much think everything exists (ourselves and others), but it is interesting to think, hypothetically, what if I were wrong?

The lines that especially interest me are the last two, because they make me wonder what you think might be inside the self, if everything we perceive really were a figment of an imagination.

A question about word choice: why do you write that "in true accord I lose myself?" The poem has a feeling of fear and unrest to me, and yet "accord" means harmony and agreement, so your use of the word surprised me.

I couldn't help but notice that all 3 of your poems are exploring the relationship of the self with itself and reality. They seem very introspective.

EDIT: P.S. I like watching Lady Gaga in your avatar. She looks very feisty!!
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Originally Posted by Neapolitan:
If a chicken was smart enough to be able to speak English and run in a geometric pattern, then I think it should be smart enough to dial 911 (999) before getting the axe, and scream to the operator, "Something must be done! Something must be done!"

Last edited by VEGANGELICA; 05-13-2010 at 08:26 PM.
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Old 05-15-2010, 01:26 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA View Post
Hi Vanilla,

This first poem sounds like it is about the exuberance of living, not knowing what will happen, and half-choosing our course. I like the line "half-empty hearts craving for more." Sometimes living feels like that. I also like "internally out of breath" because to me that suggests excitement.

I don't understand why "earth's existence is its price," though! Why is earth's existence the price of having the experience of existence (the artist's 360 degree dream...by which I assume you mean God's creation)? Are you thinking of the eventual destruction of earth as described in the Bible?

Vanilla: This one describes my first few steps onto the sea ice in Antarctica after getting off the plane. It describes my fear, excitement and prospect of exploring this new world. #60o indicates that no matter where you look in whatever direction its just vast amounts of ice. Details are insignificant when you are there looking at it. After visiting the huts of explorers from yonder, I had an overwhelming feeling of rejoice being able to explore Antarctica myself.

Finally I'll say that the inner emotional turmoil I had been previously battling was no longer relevant. This experience was like a chance to let all the drama and emotion go.


I noticed that in addition to rhymes such as inside/wide and before/more, you like using words that rhyme internally (assonance): life/price, regret/breath. So, you are relaxed enough in your writing not to force the use of rhymes that might sacrifice the meaning you want to achieve. Since I love rhyming and the feel of words, I like seeing how you handle them in your poems.

Vanilla: Yes I've always made a habit out of avoiding rhymes wherever possible. I believe you either put the rhyming in for the entirety of the poem or not at all. The beauty of language is looking inside yourself for the words that most accurately describe the feelings you have.


Hmm. This one sounds like it is about the feeling of facing the unknown and going out to meet it, filled with fear and joy. I like "within is a feeling of absolute romance, as if the world has ended and heaven has begun." This reminds me of happy moments of euphoria due to just being alive.

Vanilla: That's exactly how I felt, I was in pure euphoria for a) being allowed to go to Antarctica and have the scholarship associated with it; b) going overseas and experiencing something different; and c) the beauty of it took my breath away.


You think, therefore you are! So, yes, I'd say you are real! I've always been interested in the philosophy of solipsism, since one can't *prove* that anything other than one's self exists...and what if that self were somehow an illusion, too, like you suggest? I very much think everything exists (ourselves and others), but it is interesting to think, hypothetically, what if I were wrong?

The lines that especially interest me are the last two, because they make me wonder what you think might be inside the self, if everything we perceive really were a figment of an imagination.

A question about word choice: why do you write that "in true accord I lose myself?" The poem has a feeling of fear and unrest to me, and yet "accord" means harmony and agreement, so your use of the word surprised me.

I couldn't help but notice that all 3 of your poems are exploring the relationship of the self with itself and reality. They seem very introspective.

EDIT: P.S. I like watching Lady Gaga in your avatar. She looks very feisty!!
I said true accord because it was a positive move for me, "in true accord I lose myself" means to finally let go of the pressures of life, and think about it for what it really could be.

I am in a time in my life where I am really self reflective. I have such big struggles with my emotions such as I let others opinions in when I shouldn't. I'm trying to build a bit more confidence in myself, I want to make a life for myself that I want and it's a slow process. But in saying that, this is why I love writing poetry so much. No matter how awful you feel, how hurt, how terrified, writing it down into words really brings it out into the open to deal with. I always feel better afterwards.

Thank you very much for analysing my poems, it's really good to hear others perspectives as everyone looks at poetry in different ways.
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Old 05-15-2010, 02:06 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I said true accord because it was a positive move for me, "in true accord I lose myself" means to finally let go of the pressures of life, and think about it for what it really could be.
Oh! I see now what you meant by losing yourself in a good way.

Quote:
I am in a time in my life where I am really self reflective. I have such big struggles with my emotions such as I let others opinions in when I shouldn't. I'm trying to build a bit more confidence in myself, I want to make a life for myself that I want and it's a slow process. But in saying that, this is why I love writing poetry so much. No matter how awful you feel, how hurt, how terrified, writing it down into words really brings it out into the open to deal with. I always feel better afterwards.

Thank you very much for analysing my poems, it's really good to hear others perspectives as everyone looks at poetry in different ways.
I agree it is hard to ignore others' expectations and instead work toward what one wants and values. I remember when I decided not to continue in my Ph.D. program after I realized the research area didn't interest me and I felt no passion for it. I disappointed my major professors, but...it...felt...sooooo....GOOD...to get out with a masters instead of slogging through 3 more years of mentally exhausting lab research. After making the decision, I really did feel like a burden had been lifted from me. It felt nice to be the one lifting it off.

I love writing poetry for much the same reason, Vanilla. Thanks for sharing what's going on in your life that inspired your poems.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Neapolitan:
If a chicken was smart enough to be able to speak English and run in a geometric pattern, then I think it should be smart enough to dial 911 (999) before getting the axe, and scream to the operator, "Something must be done! Something must be done!"
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Old 05-15-2010, 06:46 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I wrote this one tonight, after watching the Moulin Rouge.

The following poem is based on my response to Satine's "One Day I'll Fly Away":

When every moment begins,
Something always lingers inside me.
Whether my existence is merely a dismal will to belong; or
A struggle to beat the feathers off my skin.

In life you can't always follow the flock,
Sometimes in the darkness you lose your sensibility.
Looking over the line, wondering whether to fly across,
Knowing the danger but not knowing the cost.

You let out a bellowing cry,
A call for answers; for guidance from above.
Silence often resumes as you knew it would,
But the strain to make a decision stings.

In the end it's only you who can answer,
Looking out to a new a day.
When the sun trickles onto the world,
It's in your nest you lay.
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