I really like it as a piece of poetry, but I think it is a little too much "pure poetry" for a song. Poetry lets your mind fill in the empty blanks, but song writing needs a little more information in between to help it flow. For example (We cross our hands, a shadowy figure) I think there is too big of a gap in between the subject matter. A way to make it flow better could go something like this.....As we crossed hands we gazed upon cascading shadows lit by the amber sun. Thats just off the top of my head but I'm not trying to criticize, just trying to open your mind a little bit.
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