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Originally Posted by Stone Birds
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Stone Birds,
I really enjoyed the beautiful piano and delicate drumming at the beginning of your song. Lovely, really.
I recommend that instead of adding more layers of vocals, you actually cut some out. For example, rather than starting your vocals as a chorus, I recommend you start singing as a solo. When you sing in chorus, the sound is very murky and muddy...hard for me to understand...so I'd like a solo voice in some places to stand out clearly.
My favorite lines are the ones above in bold. The image is very strong: I imagine in my mind's eye this girl (I assume) dangling above her bed from her noose, with her untied shoelaces dangling below her tennis shoes. Although maybe she used her shoelaces to hang herself? You mix sadness and beauty very well.
I felt in other places your lyrics were too clear, spelling out the situation too obviously, such as in these lines:
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On the day
of your funeral
they will cry
cause they know
that they’re the reason
that you died from suicide
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AwwSugar often complains about my lyrics being too obvious. Similarly, I feel that in this part in your song, you don't need to make explicit that person killed herself or himself, since earlier you explained how and why the person did this without resorting to using the word "suicide."
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Birds are singing of your pain
for ye white laces, ye blood hath stained
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Since birds don't really sing of someone's pain, this line broke me out of the trance-like mood of your song. Also, I recommend you avoid using the archaic "ye" and "hath" in the last line, and just say, perhaps, "for your white laces that your blood has stained."
But actually, when someone hangs herself, is there much blood? Don't people usually just bleed a little at the mouth? I feel your last two lines cross over into melodrama. When describing a very sad situation, I feel it is hard not to do that. I like the parts of your lyrics when the descriptions are more restrained and poetic.
Your song reminds me of "Strange Fruit" sung by Billie Holiday, about white people murdering African American people by hanging them from Southern trees so that the murder victims become "strange fruit," stinking and grimacing with bulging eyes. I felt you may wish to listen to this song since it also describes hanging in a unique and memorable way, similar to your image of the person in your song being like an angel with white laces.