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Old 10-10-2010, 12:34 PM   #131 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stone Birds View Post
"White Laces" stream on Soundcloud (this is a link)

You took a rope
Attached it to the ceiling
And there you were

You were floating above your bed
Like an angel with white laces
Stone Birds,

I really enjoyed the beautiful piano and delicate drumming at the beginning of your song. Lovely, really.

I recommend that instead of adding more layers of vocals, you actually cut some out. For example, rather than starting your vocals as a chorus, I recommend you start singing as a solo. When you sing in chorus, the sound is very murky and muddy...hard for me to understand...so I'd like a solo voice in some places to stand out clearly.

My favorite lines are the ones above in bold. The image is very strong: I imagine in my mind's eye this girl (I assume) dangling above her bed from her noose, with her untied shoelaces dangling below her tennis shoes. Although maybe she used her shoelaces to hang herself? You mix sadness and beauty very well.

I felt in other places your lyrics were too clear, spelling out the situation too obviously, such as in these lines:

Quote:
On the day
of your funeral
they will cry

cause they know
that theyíre the reason
that you died from suicide
AwwSugar often complains about my lyrics being too obvious. Similarly, I feel that in this part in your song, you don't need to make explicit that person killed herself or himself, since earlier you explained how and why the person did this without resorting to using the word "suicide."

Quote:
Birds are singing of your pain
for ye white laces, ye blood hath stained
Since birds don't really sing of someone's pain, this line broke me out of the trance-like mood of your song. Also, I recommend you avoid using the archaic "ye" and "hath" in the last line, and just say, perhaps, "for your white laces that your blood has stained."

But actually, when someone hangs herself, is there much blood? Don't people usually just bleed a little at the mouth? I feel your last two lines cross over into melodrama. When describing a very sad situation, I feel it is hard not to do that. I like the parts of your lyrics when the descriptions are more restrained and poetic.

Your song reminds me of "Strange Fruit" sung by Billie Holiday, about white people murdering African American people by hanging them from Southern trees so that the murder victims become "strange fruit," stinking and grimacing with bulging eyes. I felt you may wish to listen to this song since it also describes hanging in a unique and memorable way, similar to your image of the person in your song being like an angel with white laces.

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Old 11-18-2010, 04:27 PM   #132 (permalink)
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PLEASE VOTE CONTESTANT #3 Stone Birds
SoundOps MixOff - Fall 2010
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Old 11-28-2010, 05:48 PM   #133 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Diver-City View Post
I really like it as a piece of poetry, but I think it is a little too much "pure poetry" for a song. Poetry lets your mind fill in the empty blanks, but song writing needs a little more information in between to help it flow. For example (We cross our hands, a shadowy figure) I think there is too big of a gap in between the subject matter. A way to make it flow better could go something like this.....As we crossed hands we gazed upon cascading shadows lit by the amber sun. Thats just off the top of my head but I'm not trying to criticize, just trying to open your mind a little bit.
Not necessarily. The song posted above you is a little more techno-ish, which doesn't have to lend itself to structure really.
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Old 12-04-2010, 10:17 AM   #134 (permalink)
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hmm im not sure about that last line their,
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Old 12-07-2010, 04:28 PM   #135 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by otik68 View Post
hmm im not sure about that last line their,
in "saviour" or in "white laces"?

sav∑iour
   /ˈseɪvyər/ [seyv-yer]
–noun
1.
a person who saves, rescues, or delivers

i wanted to make it obvious that the song wasn't about religeon



"Birds are singing of your pain for ye white laces ye blood hath stained"

i actually like that kind of diction (when i can understand it)

if i made it normal it'd look like this:
"Birds are singing of your pain for your white laces your blood has stained"

it doesn't have the right feel to it for me personally
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Old 12-29-2010, 04:29 PM   #136 (permalink)
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"Golden Houses (DEMO)" Stream and download

In my mind I see fields of flowers
Tiny birds flying high, and people with magical powers

All our dreams are filled with things we can’t comprehend
Like lost loves, bottomless pits and golden houses

The riverbed is filled with all of my repressions
I think I said that I needed some more therapy sessions

cause the patterns they are holding me down in a bind
and all of my friends they don’t understand the complexities of the human mind

All our dreams are filled with things we can’t comprehend
Like lost loves, bottomless pits and golden houses

What do I got is it a disease spreading through my memories
A twisted order to complicate my already strenuous social standings.

All our dreams are filled with things we can’t comprehend
Like lost loves, bottomless pits and golden houses



the recording is just a demo some voices may be rerecorded i'm having my friend kay do guest vocals, and i'll be adding guitars and possibly some xylophone.


PLEASE VOTE FOR ME!!!:

Sleigh Bells - "Rachel" http://www.indabamusic.com/submissions/show/40040
Gordon Voidwell - "Ivy League Circus" http://www.indabamusic.com/submissions/show/39038
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Old 01-13-2011, 04:04 PM   #137 (permalink)
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Default "Caterpillar Song"

Stream and Download "Caterpillar Song"

Oh tiny caterpillar
You’re fat and useless
Oh little caterpillar
You’re weak and small

Look at this photograph
Look at this smile
Did you know that It’s faked
Just like the rest in the pile
How could I be happy
When I felt so alone
I was just a bother
Hidden like a dog’s bone

Oh such a puny cocoon
It’s soft and wretched
Oh what a worthless cocoon
It’s gross and cheap

People told me
That I was nothing more than
Crap in the yard.
A little boy with a guitar
They said I’d never amount
To anything
That I was talentless
I couldn’t sing

Oh beautiful butterfly
Alluring and graceful
Oh shining butterfly
You’re now something people cherish and love

It took some time
But now I’ve found
the ones who can appreciate
the sounds I create
I finally feel accepted
I finally feel like I have wings


i'm gonna rerecord the vocals with my snowball mic i originally recorded them with the apple mix bad choice but it'll get fixed.
btw i got 9th place in the Sleigh Bells "Rachel" remix contest i'm getting skull candy headphones and a bunch of sleigh bells merch.
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Old 04-28-2011, 06:59 AM   #138 (permalink)
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So... Uhmm...

SoÖ UhmmÖ

iím thinking about rerecording all my songs or atleast parts of all my songs iím thinking about going for a slightly different sound

this basically includes these:

Da Da Demos by Stone Birds on SoundCloud - Create, record and share your sounds for free (once link is outdated iíll put a strikethrough in)

basically what iím gonna do for the most part is rerecord vocals and replace some of the drum programs with actual drums and percussion. and iím gonna try to make it all more natural sounding. this means no more recording vocals at 1 a.m. so if any of you think you want to keep the original recordings iíd download them now

in fact i'm thinking about changing my moniker
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Old 06-16-2011, 07:37 AM   #139 (permalink)
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I suggest you give it a title "Hero".
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