Music Banter - View Single Post

djchameleon · 01-29-2011, 02:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA

Hiya dj,

I'm going to try to tear my eyes away from that woman's jiggling bottom and instead comment on a hot body I mean your poems!

You probably thought I'd never get around to this, but now I am, just like I said!

Thank you for your suggestions and I agree with most of them. I'm going to go down and respond to each one now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA

I like the message of the poem: putting on an act doesn't make someone a better artist.

I especially like the rhyming and rhythm of the lines I put in bold. However, are your lyrics actually "subliminal?" They seem very direct and out-in-the-open to me. Are you using an admittedly cool word, "subliminal," for the sound of it or for the meaning? If you are using the word for the sound and not the meaning, then this is confusing because the rest of the poem makes sense.

Also, did you intend for the final line, "better........lyricists," not to rhyme with the others, dj? Since this poem has a lot of rhyming, the lack of rhyming in the last line seems significant. My view is that unless you want the poem to have a spontaneous, illogical feel, then every word choice should make sense.

I feel the poem sometimes lacks an obvious, consistent meter. I am assuming you want one. When I say the poem out loud, it doesn't flow as well as I feel it might if you were to change the wording to increase or decrease the number of syllables in some of the lines.

Yes i'm guilty of using the word subliminal just for the sake of it. I didn't have anything subliminal in that poem. I also used it to describe what my future work was going to be like and to showcase how talented I am but that's not necessarily the case. When I go to open mic nights and I say that poem at the end when I say it out loud. There is a pretty long pause between better and lyricist. I tried to show that by putting the "..." to represent that there are pauses when I say the poem out loud. I intentionally made that last part not rhyme with the rest of it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA

Like AwwSugar said, I feel some of the images are cliche, such as "revolving door" and "shining star."

Also, this poem sounds more like prose than poetry to me because you logically connect one sentence to the next fairly directly, and you provide straight-forward explanations, as in these lines: "Make sure they know that they are above par. Par is the level in golf that they expect you to make. Sometimes, I just sit back and admire the strength and power (of) women. Too many of them don't know the power they posses."

Something else to consider: how do your metaphors relate, if they do relate, and do you *want* them to relate to each other? You use quite a few unrelated metaphors and similes in this poem: "revolving door, shining star, above par (golf), play dough." Combined in one poem, they sound a little funny (amusing) to me. I don't think you want the poem to sound funny. I think you want it to sound serious. What tone *do* you want the poem to have?

You are completely right some of my metaphors are throwing off the serious tone that I would like the poem to have. This poem is my favorite and I really want to work on it some more to improve it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA

^This is my favorite of all your poems because the subject matter is intense and the tone of the poem is condemning, and rightly so, which I like.

I see several places where you could cut out or simplify words or phrases without losing the meaning you intend. If in doubt, I'd say, "Cut." For example, consider your first two lines: "In the seedy underbelly of a city filled with righteousness. Church buildings litter the city like an infestation out of control." You don't need to repeat "city" because you already said that the church buildings are in the seedy underbelly of the city. Instead of "the city" you could say "the blocks" or "spews," or some other words that add new information.

I like your choice of these words, "seedy, litter, infestation," because they set the strong, critical tone of the poem right from the very start. In contrast, I feel you dilute the strength of the poem by using the flowery word "utilize" ... and note that it is odd to say "utilize" in one line and "use" in the next, plus switch from active voice ("they utilize") to passive voice ("is used"):

I think a poem will feel more forceful if you use active voice, describing people actually taking an action, rather than say that an action was done. Also, if the subject matter is short and punchy then you may want to choose short, punchy words, too. So, I recommend you use the word "use" instead of "utilize."

TY for this, I didn't notice the part about "city" and you are right. I didn't need to state it twice. I will change "utilize" to "use" I see the point of doing that and you are also correct about it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA

^Conceptually this poem is the most unique of those you have posted, I feel. Plus, you keep your metaphor fairly consistent throughout the poem (you are the bottom feeder in the tank and the ugly, desperate women are the food), which I feel gives a pleasant feeling of logical continuity.

Lines I especially like are in bold. I like how you say "sea sick" and "wade" because they keep up the water metaphor. My favorite lines of all are the final ones:

^ These lines are actually my favorite in your thread. Why? One reason is that I like my interpretation of them: the man planned to have sex with someone he initially felt was so repulsive that he needed beer goggles, but after being with her in bed he no longer feels he is a bottom feeder ("the bottom feeder in me slithers away"); instead, it dawns on him ("as the night turns to dawn") that he is with someone who is BEAUTIFUL.

If that IS the intended meaning, then it is a beautiful one, for who wouldn't want to be considered a beautiful person inside and out because someone genuinely likes you? (BTW, I think you should say "lying in bed," which means you are lying stationary in bed with her, rather than "laying in bed.")

A second reason I like these lines is that if my interpretation of them is correct, see how quickly and poetically you said it compared to how many words I needed to describe what I think those lines mean? I feel a great poem is one that expresses a thought clearly and with novelty, making the poem's meaning more direct than it would if the author were to just state the meaning using prose.

I also like poems that are dynamic, and your final lines are. I love the word "slither." "Slither" sounds like how "slither" feels. I like poems that create a sense of action and movement. Your bottom feeder poem ends (I feel) with motion inside the speaker (as his psyche shifts) reflected in the motion outside (as the real and metaphorical night turns to dawn).

Lovely, really. I quite like those lines.

yes that was the intention at the end of the night he comes to realize that he has found her inner beauty and now she is beautiful to him inside and out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA

My favorite line is in bold because you pair sensuality (body heat) with something psychological (letting your disguises melt away).

My least favorite line is when you write, "I'm completely blue," because saying "blue" for "sad" is such a cliche now that when I read "blue" all I can think is, "Cliche!" So, using the metaphor "blue" becomes a distraction.

I think the main reason I used "blue" for sadness is because i needed something that would rhyme and I chose "blue"

Quote:

Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA

Both of these poems above are about ardor and are sweet.

I recommend you look carefully at the metaphors you use in case you don't need them all. For example, in the second poem you use many different metaphors: "cocoons, clock ticks, static charged fur, skyscraper, train robbery caper, superman."

I think this frequent use of conflicting metaphors is a standard technique used in rap songs: you are trying to repeat the same idea in a variety of ways in order to demonstrate cleverness.

However, when I read the poem all the conflicting metaphors make it feel heavy and confused to me. I prefer poems that use a single bullet rather than scatter shot to hit a target.

Your final poem (quoted above) reminds me of that metaphorical story about blind men feeling an elephant's legs. One says he is holding a tree, another says it is something else, etc. (As you can see, I have a really bad memory for stories.) The point of that story is that different people, unaware of the totality of something, can have very different (and incorrect) perspectives.

When I read your poem above I feel as if blind men are trying to describe legs of an elephant using metaphors that taken all together create a very weird creature rather than...an elephant. The *way* you are describing the thought becomes more important than the thought or feeling you are describing and therefore, I feel, detracts from a visceral experience of that feeling when I read the poem.

One of the main reasons that I use many metaphors that may seem confusing and all over the place is because I want to reader to feel what it's like to be in love and have the same feeling that i'm describing so that's why it works imo. When you are in that stage of love it is a very confusing thing and it's all over the place. It isn't supposed to be logical and in order because love is a very fickle thing at times.

Thank you so much for the feedback and it sure has helped me and will help my future works.

At the moment, I'm working on a song and the short story for the creative writing contest. After i'm finished with those two, I will try to write a new poem with the lessons you have given me.