djchameleon

yeah it's no big deal to go back through it and re-word it to make it a bit better....I agree and I will work on that.

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Fame, fortune, power, titties. People say these are the most crucial things in life, but you can have a pocket full o' gold and it doesn't mean sh*t if you don't have someone to share that gold with. Seems simple. Yet it's an important lesson to learn. Even lone wolves run in packs sometimes.

djchameleon

Steal the Sun
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Girl, I didn't think you intended to steal the sun but you did it anyways
Shining brighter than it ever could,
staying up longer than it ever would.
When i'm around you my temperature rises,
your body heat melts all of my disguises.
I can't hide my true feelings around you,
when I can't talk to you i'm completely blue
i'm not used to feeling.....naked.......exposed and vulnerable
Now that you possess the sun
i'm your earth
you orbit circles around me hun
this emotion i feel for you is a new birth,
in me, i'm not quite sure if you can see
what you have done to me.

__________________

Fame, fortune, power, titties. People say these are the most crucial things in life, but you can have a pocket full o' gold and it doesn't mean sh*t if you don't have someone to share that gold with. Seems simple. Yet it's an important lesson to learn. Even lone wolves run in packs sometimes.

djchameleon

Butterflies
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We met each other and our chemicals begin to mix
The cocoons in my chest began to stir
our chemistry grows stronger as the second hand ticks
every time you glance at me,
my arm hair rises like static charged fur
I'm falling hard for you like a broken elevator in a skyscraper.
This kind of feeling is as dangerous as a train robbery caper.
Up until now I felt like I was superman and no bullets could harm me.
When I hear your voice it makes me weak in the knees.
Your love is like kryptonite why can't see the effect it's having on me.
The cocoons in my chest skip stages of growth instantly becoming butterflies.

__________________

Fame, fortune, power, titties. People say these are the most crucial things in life, but you can have a pocket full o' gold and it doesn't mean sh*t if you don't have someone to share that gold with. Seems simple. Yet it's an important lesson to learn. Even lone wolves run in packs sometimes.

djchameleon

This one is just a creative free write that I did.

Onion
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My heart is like an onion, peel back each layer to get closer to my heart.
The walls guarding my heart are meant to be taken down by the one.
The one will hold the knife capable of cutting away these layers around my heart. It will be a difficult task for the one though.
I don't mean to but I know it will cause you tears.
The stinging in your eyes causing you to cry won't last forever if you are able to survive that pain. You will be able to enjoy the fruits of your labor.
You will be able to smell the sweetness of my inner heart as if I'm being sauteed in sunflower seed oil.

__________________

Fame, fortune, power, titties. People say these are the most crucial things in life, but you can have a pocket full o' gold and it doesn't mean sh*t if you don't have someone to share that gold with. Seems simple. Yet it's an important lesson to learn. Even lone wolves run in packs sometimes.

djchameleon

this is another old one I found

No Turning Back
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I'm falling hard for you,
feeling like a bullet rushing out through the chamber of love
I try to resist this feeling because it seems like it is happening too fast
My doubts create greater resistance as the bullet heads towards the light at the end of the barrel
It feels like my left side of the brain is dueling my right side.
My heart is the cheerleader supporting and encouraging the left.
The right side is over thinking this situation claiming that it is happening at a rapid pace. The doubts of "does she feel me like I'm feeling her" also floats around.
The heart quickly jumps in shouting "Love has no time constraints."
"It is better to have loved than to have not loved at all."
As the light brightens with the bullet slightly out of the barrel,
I whisper "I'm too far gone and there is no turning back"

__________________

Fame, fortune, power, titties. People say these are the most crucial things in life, but you can have a pocket full o' gold and it doesn't mean sh*t if you don't have someone to share that gold with. Seems simple. Yet it's an important lesson to learn. Even lone wolves run in packs sometimes.

someonecompletelyrandom

Haha, I loved this! Good work!

djchameleon

thanks....I love that my college English professor got us in the habit of doing free writes. Everyday the first thing we would do is free writes about whatever is on our mind and then she would ask for volunteers to share.

__________________

Fame, fortune, power, titties. People say these are the most crucial things in life, but you can have a pocket full o' gold and it doesn't mean sh*t if you don't have someone to share that gold with. Seems simple. Yet it's an important lesson to learn. Even lone wolves run in packs sometimes.

VEGANGELICA

Hiya dj,

I'm going to try to tear my eyes away from that woman's jiggling bottom and instead comment on a hot body I mean your poems! You probably thought I'd never get around to this, but now I am, just like I said!

I like the message of the poem: putting on an act doesn't make someone a better artist.

I especially like the rhyming and rhythm of the lines I put in bold. However, are your lyrics actually "subliminal?" They seem very direct and out-in-the-open to me. Are you using an admittedly cool word, "subliminal," for the sound of it or for the meaning? If you are using the word for the sound and not the meaning, then this is confusing because the rest of the poem makes sense.

Also, did you intend for the final line, "better........lyricists," not to rhyme with the others, dj? Since this poem has a lot of rhyming, the lack of rhyming in the last line seems significant. My view is that unless you want the poem to have a spontaneous, illogical feel, then every word choice should make sense.

I feel the poem sometimes lacks an obvious, consistent meter. I am assuming you want one. When I say the poem out loud, it doesn't flow as well as I feel it might if you were to change the wording to increase or decrease the number of syllables in some of the lines.

Like AwwSugar said, I feel some of the images are cliche, such as "revolving door" and "shining star."

Also, this poem sounds more like prose than poetry to me because you logically connect one sentence to the next fairly directly, and you provide straight-forward explanations, as in these lines: "Make sure they know that they are above par. Par is the level in golf that they expect you to make. Sometimes, I just sit back and admire the strength and power (of) women. Too many of them don't know the power they posses."

Something else to consider: how do your metaphors relate, if they do relate, and do you *want* them to relate to each other? You use quite a few unrelated metaphors and similes in this poem: "revolving door, shining star, above par (golf), play dough." Combined in one poem, they sound a little funny (amusing) to me. I don't think you want the poem to sound funny. I think you want it to sound serious. What tone *do* you want the poem to have?

^This is my favorite of all your poems because the subject matter is intense and the tone of the poem is condemning, and rightly so, which I like.

I see several places where you could cut out or simplify words or phrases without losing the meaning you intend. If in doubt, I'd say, "Cut." For example, consider your first two lines: "In the seedy underbelly of a city filled with righteousness. Church buildings litter the city like an infestation out of control." You don't need to repeat "city" because you already said that the church buildings are in the seedy underbelly of the city. Instead of "the city" you could say "the blocks" or "spews," or some other words that add new information.

I like your choice of these words, "seedy, litter, infestation," because they set the strong, critical tone of the poem right from the very start. In contrast, I feel you dilute the strength of the poem by using the flowery word "utilize" ... and note that it is odd to say "utilize" in one line and "use" in the next, plus switch from active voice ("they utilize") to passive voice ("is used"):

I think a poem will feel more forceful if you use active voice, describing people actually taking an action, rather than say that an action was done. Also, if the subject matter is short and punchy then you may want to choose short, punchy words, too. So, I recommend you use the word "use" instead of "utilize."

^Conceptually this poem is the most unique of those you have posted, I feel. Plus, you keep your metaphor fairly consistent throughout the poem (you are the bottom feeder in the tank and the ugly, desperate women are the food), which I feel gives a pleasant feeling of logical continuity.

Lines I especially like are in bold. I like how you say "sea sick" and "wade" because they keep up the water metaphor. My favorite lines of all are the final ones:

^ These lines are actually my favorite in your thread. Why? One reason is that I like my interpretation of them: the man planned to have sex with someone he initially felt was so repulsive that he needed beer goggles, but after being with her in bed he no longer feels he is a bottom feeder ("the bottom feeder in me slithers away"); instead, it dawns on him ("as the night turns to dawn") that he is with someone who is BEAUTIFUL.

If that IS the intended meaning, then it is a beautiful one, for who wouldn't want to be considered a beautiful person inside and out because someone genuinely likes you? (BTW, I think you should say "lying in bed," which means you are lying stationary in bed with her, rather than "laying in bed.")

A second reason I like these lines is that if my interpretation of them is correct, see how quickly and poetically you said it compared to how many words I needed to describe what I think those lines mean? I feel a great poem is one that expresses a thought clearly and with novelty, making the poem's meaning more direct than it would if the author were to just state the meaning using prose.

I also like poems that are dynamic, and your final lines are. I love the word "slither." "Slither" sounds like how "slither" feels. I like poems that create a sense of action and movement. Your bottom feeder poem ends (I feel) with motion inside the speaker (as his psyche shifts) reflected in the motion outside (as the real and metaphorical night turns to dawn).

Lovely, really. I quite like those lines.

My favorite line is in bold because you pair sensuality (body heat) with something psychological (letting your disguises melt away).

My least favorite line is when you write, "I'm completely blue," because saying "blue" for "sad" is such a cliche now that when I read "blue" all I can think is, "Cliche!" So, using the metaphor "blue" becomes a distraction.

Both of these poems above are about ardor and are sweet.

I recommend you look carefully at the metaphors you use in case you don't need them all. For example, in the second poem you use many different metaphors: "cocoons, clock ticks, static charged fur, skyscraper, train robbery caper, superman."

I think this frequent use of conflicting metaphors is a standard technique used in rap songs: you are trying to repeat the same idea in a variety of ways in order to demonstrate cleverness.

However, when I read the poem all the conflicting metaphors make it feel heavy and confused to me. I prefer poems that use a single bullet rather than scatter shot to hit a target.

Your final poem (quoted above) reminds me of that metaphorical story about blind men feeling an elephant's legs. One says he is holding a tree, another says it is something else, etc. (As you can see, I have a really bad memory for stories.) The point of that story is that different people, unaware of the totality of something, can have very different (and incorrect) perspectives.

When I read your poem above I feel as if blind men are trying to describe legs of an elephant using metaphors that taken all together create a very weird creature rather than...an elephant. The *way* you are describing the thought becomes more important than the thought or feeling you are describing and therefore, I feel, detracts from a visceral experience of that feeling when I read the poem.

I hope this helps!

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djchameleon

Thank you for your suggestions and I agree with most of them. I'm going to go down and respond to each one now.

Yes i'm guilty of using the word subliminal just for the sake of it. I didn't have anything subliminal in that poem. I also used it to describe what my future work was going to be like and to showcase how talented I am but that's not necessarily the case. When I go to open mic nights and I say that poem at the end when I say it out loud. There is a pretty long pause between better and lyricist. I tried to show that by putting the "..." to represent that there are pauses when I say the poem out loud. I intentionally made that last part not rhyme with the rest of it.

You are completely right some of my metaphors are throwing off the serious tone that I would like the poem to have. This poem is my favorite and I really want to work on it some more to improve it.

TY for this, I didn't notice the part about "city" and you are right. I didn't need to state it twice. I will change "utilize" to "use" I see the point of doing that and you are also correct about it.


yes that was the intention at the end of the night he comes to realize that he has found her inner beauty and now she is beautiful to him inside and out.

I think the main reason I used "blue" for sadness is because i needed something that would rhyme and I chose "blue"


One of the main reasons that I use many metaphors that may seem confusing and all over the place is because I want to reader to feel what it's like to be in love and have the same feeling that i'm describing so that's why it works imo. When you are in that stage of love it is a very confusing thing and it's all over the place. It isn't supposed to be logical and in order because love is a very fickle thing at times.

Thank you so much for the feedback and it sure has helped me and will help my future works.

At the moment, I'm working on a song and the short story for the creative writing contest. After i'm finished with those two, I will try to write a new poem with the lessons you have given me.

__________________

Fame, fortune, power, titties. People say these are the most crucial things in life, but you can have a pocket full o' gold and it doesn't mean sh*t if you don't have someone to share that gold with. Seems simple. Yet it's an important lesson to learn. Even lone wolves run in packs sometimes.

VEGANGELICA

You're welcome, dj! Thanks for replying to my feedback so thoroughly. Participating in open mic nights must be fun. What kind of reactions do your poems usually get? Does the reaction help give you ideas on what to change in your poems?

I'm glad I understood that poem correctly. The sentiment in it is lovely.

That's the problem with "blue," I feel. It is the first word that pops into mind when trying to rhyme with "you," so it distracts me when I see it used. Other examples of common rhymes that are overused are "light/delight," "life/wife," "fire/desire," and "parrot/carrot." Ha ha! Just joking about the last one.

Your explanation makes perfect sense. I can better appreciate now why you used so many different metaphors.

I'm glad you felt my feedback was helpful. Mind, I just make all this stuff up...it's just my opinion!

Maybe now *you've* inspired *me* to write a poem using many unrelated metaphors to see how that goes!

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