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Originally Posted by djchameleon
Thank you for your suggestions and I agree with most of them. I'm going to go down and respond to each one now.
Yes i'm guilty of using the word subliminal just for the sake of it. I didn't have anything subliminal in that poem. I also used it to describe what my future work was going to be like and to showcase how talented I am but that's not necessarily the case. When I go to open mic nights and I say that poem at the end when I say it out loud. There is a pretty long pause between better and lyricist. I tried to show that by putting the "..." to represent that there are pauses when I say the poem out loud. I intentionally made that last part not rhyme with the rest of it.
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You're welcome, dj! Thanks for replying to my feedback so thoroughly. Participating in open mic nights must be fun. What kind of reactions do your poems usually get? Does the reaction help give you ideas on what to change in your poems?
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Originally Posted by djchameleon
yes that was the intention at the end of the night he comes to realize that he has found her inner beauty and now she is beautiful to him inside and out.
I think the main reason I used "blue" for sadness is because i needed something that would rhyme and I chose "blue"
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I'm glad I understood that poem correctly. The sentiment in it is lovely.
That's the problem with "blue," I feel. It is the first word that pops into mind when trying to rhyme with "you," so it distracts me when I see it used. Other examples of common rhymes that are overused are "light/delight," "life/wife," "fire/desire," and "parrot/carrot." Ha ha! Just joking about the last one.
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Originally Posted by djchameleon
One of the main reasons that I use many metaphors that may seem confusing and all over the place is because I want to reader to feel what it's like to be in love and have the same feeling that i'm describing so that's why it works imo. When you are in that stage of love it is a very confusing thing and it's all over the place. It isn't supposed to be logical and in order because love is a very fickle thing at times.
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Your explanation makes perfect sense. I can better appreciate now why you used so many different metaphors.
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Originally Posted by djchameleon
Thank you so much for the feedback and it sure has helped me and will help my future works.
At the moment, I'm working on a song and the short story for the creative writing contest. After i'm finished with those two, I will try to write a new poem with the lessons you have given me.
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I'm glad you felt my feedback was helpful. Mind, I just make all this stuff up...it's just my opinion!
Maybe now *you've* inspired *me* to write a poem using many unrelated metaphors to see how that goes!