Ain’t no shame in taking medicine.

I feel kind of weird talking about my mental health in public these days, but does anyone here have suicidal thoughts all of the time? I've had them since I was in kindergarten, and I think they would stop at some point, but they never really have. The only sort of childhood trauma I've had was being hospitalized and made fun of for my self harming and being awkward. It feels wrong to have these feelings, and thoughts for no discernible reason other than chemical imbalances. Medications help my mood, but not the thoughts. I've been trying to keep a lot of how I feel from people to avoid worrying them as everyone has problems in general. I don't want to be the one friend that complains about everyone and everything in their life.

I don't really have strong suicidal ideation but even in elementary school I always kinda believed I'd end up either homeless or killing myself. Not the same I guess but the fatalism has always been there as a part of my personality. And **** everyone else. Understanding that everyone has problems and you aren't the only one does nothing for how you feel. It just makes you feel guilty for your own feelings that you can't control and aren't responsible for.

The only suicidal thoughts I've ever had were that it seems peaceful and easy to just go to sleep and not have to worry about life anymore.

But generally I still prefer being alive to the idea of pure nothingness.

If you think it might help it's probably worth a try at least

I know it’s not this completely cut and dry but basically when you’re sick you take the medicine the doctor gives you. One big obstacle with mental illness is your mind is telling you the wrong ****. That’s why you turn yourself over to a professional especially if you’re fortunate enough to have access to a real psychiatrist.

Not trying to turn this into an argument between us so I’m trying to put a softener on this by saying it’s not exactly that simple

heh. They actually prescribed me lithium and I didn't fill the prescription.

But that was cause I didn't trust they really did a proper evaluation.

But I think WWWP is getting better care then that so I agree she should probably follow their advice.

I’m not taking my Prozac so I’m not without sin. Still think it’s a point worth making. I mean just a week ago my mind was getting really nasty on me.

I generally agree with your point. I was just explaining why I framed it like I did.

That said, I have a cousin who was saved by meds. He was misdiagnosed his whole child hood as ADHD and then when he was 18 they switched it to bipolar and slightly autistic. He was a nutcase in his childhood. After they switched his meds he evened out pretty nicely.

I'm starting at 150mg lithium. For treating Bipolar people are generally prescribed 600-900mgs, so I'm at the low end. I have to ween myself off of caffeine, I'm not drinking alcohol #soberoctober, and I might end up cutting weed out too until I'm in a better place and can use it recreationally rather than as a vice. I'm scared the lithium is going to make me gain weight and that's not going do my eating disorders any good, so I might just start focusing all this sober energy into getting swole.