The Official Joke Thread
 

I'm not that funny,or i just have a bad memory,so i just wan't to read your guy's jokes.Mabe i'll think of one at a later date. P.S. Racist jokes don't offend me.

kind of long, but pretty amusing:

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. 'Reverend,' she said, 'I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?'

'I have an idea,' said the minister. 'Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg.'

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. 'And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?' he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

'Jesus!', Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

'Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones,' said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. 'Who is
your redeemer?' he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

'God!' Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

'Right again,' said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, 'And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?'

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, 'You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your a**!'

'Amen,' replied the congregation.

and here's another one:

One turns to the other and says: 'You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building - by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.'

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: 'What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen.'

1st Man: 'No it's true let me prove it to you.' So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: 'You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.'

1st Man: 'No, I'll prove it again' and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: 'Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it.' So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker: 'You know, Superman, you're a real a**hole when you're drunk.'

i wanted to say the hippie and the nun joke but i'pretty sure everyone knows it :bringit: if you don't, don't search on google, just say you don't and i'll tell it to you :beer: and no, i'm not desperate :bringit:

ok, maybe you know this one, too but i hope you don't :D

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

haha, yeah I've heard the hippie and the nun one, I was thinking about posting it for a bit, but decided against it.

This one not that funny but i like it-How do you get a Goth out of a tree :eek: You cut the rope!!! :clap:




I'm Irish and Scottish please come up with some jokes to slice me so i can tell them to my dad.

whats good about an irish funeral? one less drunk.

how do you get a one armed punk out of a tree? toss him a beer..

how many punks does it take to screw in a lightbulb? none, punks like to screw in a puddle of their own vomit..

Pat and Kyran were getting ready to go on a camping trip. The first one said "I'm taking along a gallon of whiskey just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?" The other one said "Two rattlesnakes!"

What have Irishmen and Jesus Christ got in common?
The both lived with their mother until they were 33 and neither had a job...

Why did God invent whiskey?
So the Irish would never rule the world.

What is black and blue and found floating up sidedown in the Irish sea?
Someone who's tells a stupid Irish joke....

Hahahahahah^^^^^those are ****in funny. Thanks man those made my day.

Tell a joke
 

What do you get when you cross Jazz with White People?

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...um_Kenny_G.jpg

Your turn :D

what do you call ten thousand texans at the bottom of the ocean?


a good start.

I'm not sure whether to laugh or be extremely offened.

I would say offended, i mean it says on the sign when you enter Texas, "Don't Mess With Texas"... or at least it did on the one I saw when I visited.

Any how here's my joke:

You know you're a guitarist when you're looking at a g-string while fingering a minor.

Oh thats messed up!

hahahha, thats ****in hillarious.

whats better that 4 roses on your piano?...................Tulips on your organ.

Answer "addicted" to all of these:



Alcohol


Drugs


What hit you in the face last night?

If Jack were to help you off your horse would you help Jack off his horse?

If I washed my c0ck would you suck it?
NO?!?!?........YOU DIRTY C0CK SUCKER!!!!!!!!

what's the strongest muscle in your mouth?




MY DIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!

I like the emphasis on dick there.

My dick need no introduction
Your dick don't even function
My dick served a whole lunch-in
Your dick- it look like a munchkin

I asked a girl once where was the strangest place she had ever had sex..

she said up her arse.

The official joke thread
 

post a joek that you think is funny... good jokes will be laughed at...bad jokes will be made fun of GO!

Bob is in the army. After 4 months of being in the army, his girlfriend sent him a letter saying she'd slept with 2 guys since he'd left and wanted to break-up and all the pictures he had of her sent back. So Bob did what any other American would do. He went around to all his army buddies and asked for pictures of girls they wouldn't mind giving up. He then took all the pictures, some decent, some X-rated, and put them in a big envelope to send to his girlfriend with a note saying "I don't remember you. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."

I though this one was funny...

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

During a ride in a taxi, the rider touches the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
Upon the touch the cab driver flinches, screams, and goes into a full panic, swerving from side to side on the road.
Finally the driver regains control.
"sorry" the cab driver says, "this is my first day on the job. for the past 20 years i have been driving a hearse."

This is how the new stimulus plan will work


Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.
"The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the WhiteHouse official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!
How did you come up with such a high figure?"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.
""Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

I liked this one. 7/10

I should have known this would turn sexual...

Why do so many people gravitate to Texas?

Because Oklahoma is horrible.

:rofl:

Thank you sirrr.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

How does a hillbilly find his daughter in the cornfield?





Very satisfying.

lawlzorz.

And I have lived in OK for 13 years. I go to Texas if want to do anything fun or remotely interesting

Hahahahahaha!!... gross.

Yo momma fight!

Yo mama so nasty she has to creep up on bathwater

I'm glad it was a factual story then.