Things Not To Say On/At:
 

Here's a thread to channel your vulgar and crude side. Essentially this is the thread where you can say the worst possible things you can think of, in an imaginary scenario.

Here's two of mine:

Things Not to Say to A Judge:

"I swear to God judge, she didn't taste 15"

Things Not To Say on A First Date:

"Be right back, I gotta puke piss out my cunt fucker"

To the police:
"What's in your trunk sir?"
"I'm not telling until you guess first"

To the police:
I have weed in my pocket.

During An Interview:
Interviewer: So what would you say your biggest strength is?
Interviewee: Uh, this one time I lifted a wet towel with my erection. It wasn't even one of those tiny washcloths either, it was a full-length shower towel. Real deal, bro.

To your girlfriend's parents:

"Don't worry, I'll have her home by 11. I'll be done by then."

First time proffering anal:

Up the bum, No babies.

from a girlfriend during sex

i like that you haven't shaved in a few days... it reminds me of my uncle.

offensive jewellery store name and advertising slogan

The Eternal Jeweller has the "final solution" to all your jewellery needs.

When robbing a bank:

Please.

After a rape:

Thanks.

I think I can match your rape one

"now now, let's not turn this rape into murder"

Raped.
To death