Make Your Own Conspiracy Theory

Psy-Fi · 03-12-2018, 10:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Neapolitan

The title of this thread is "Make Your Own Conspiracy Theory" unless you're Ray Bradbury you're really not making your own conspiracy!

Chiomara · 03-12-2018, 11:54 PM

Ina Garten is actually an eight thousand year old demon-witch who uses (off-camera) the blood and spirit essence of her TV show "guests" to supplement her other, secret herb garden (so that she can continue harvesting the ingredients for her magical elixir which maintains her human facade). The food she serves to guests contains various sedatives and hallucinogens so that after her various glamours/trickery magics fade, they don't really notice the fact that they're actually in a dilapidated barn filled to the brim with eyeless black salamanders & foul witchery. They simply lapse into a food coma (lulled by her soothing voice rattling on about tomatoes or whatever) and never wake up.

She mustn't be trusted.

Psy-Fi · 03-13-2018, 09:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trollheart

Mars is completely inhabitable, and is in fact inhabited by a vastly superior alien race, who have used their advanced technology to shield themselves from discovery. A black ops NASA mission in the late eighties went there, and negotiations were entered into. The mission to Mars in 2020 will be the culmination of these talks, wherein high-ranking government officials will hand over control of Earth to these aliens, in return for the secret of faster-than-light travel, which will allow them to leave this solar system behind and enter into a new phase of human existence.

Pick up a book, people!

Trollheart · 03-13-2018, 10:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Neapolitan

The title of this thread is "Make Your Own Conspiracy Theory" unless you're Ray Bradbury you're really not making your own conspiracy!

Ray Bradbury is a big cheat and robbed the idea from me when my back was turned, as I went to get some Jammie Dodgers to put on the plate to go with his cup of tea. I haven't spoken to him since.

DwnWthVwls · 03-13-2018, 03:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chiomara

Ina Garten is actually an eight thousand year old demon-witch who uses (off-camera) the blood and spirit essence of her TV show "guests" to supplement her other, secret herb garden (so that she can continue harvesting the ingredients for her magical elixir which maintains her human facade). The food she serves to guests contains various sedatives and hallucinogens so that after her various glamours/trickery magics fade, they don't really notice the fact that they're actually in a dilapidated barn filled to the brim with eyeless black salamanders & foul witchery. They simply lapse into a food coma (lulled by her soothing voice rattling on about tomatoes or whatever) and never wake up.

She mustn't be trusted.

I believe this. That lady creeps me the **** out.

Chiomara · 03-13-2018, 04:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DwnWthVwls

I believe this. That lady creeps me the **** out.

I still want her to adopt me, though.

In terms of famous chefs, I've always considered Chris Kimball to be the creepiest, especially after reading this hilarious and vaguely unsettling series that was inspired by his rambling folksy letters in his magazine on my old favorite blog:

Quote:

Today’s a happy day, readers. Today I’m marrying the assistant girl, which marks the beginning of spring. Every fall I shed my old assistant-wife, and every spring I marry the new one. It’s an old Vermont custom – as old as sinking your mother into a vat of fresh-churned butter and storing her in the jam-cellar for freshness – and it makes for a good harvest. I’ve spent many a lonely winter camped on top of Briar Mountain aiming perfectly hard-boiled eggs (p. 16; the secret is to use a steamer basket) at anyone who dares to mention the phrase “property taxes” to me, and it’s time to turn my fancy to thoughts of love once more. The only tax I’ll ever pay is the wagonload of – never you mind what’s in that wagon, stranger – I deliver to Old Henry every year on the night of the Turnabout Moon. And you can count on that just as surely as you can count on my recipe for salt-cured country ham (p. 20, the secret is tightly controlled fury and low heat).

What can you do with an old assistant-wife after she’s finished? Well, friends, here in Vermont you can trade her to the first stranger you meet at a crossroads for a sack of molasses sugar and a witch-glass. Or you can wall her alive in the orchard; the next year’s crop of apples will be small and bitter, but every year thereafter, they’ll be crisp and fresh and red and white as you could possibly please. She also makes an excellent substitute for buttermilk, if you haven’t any to hand.

Do you know why they call them long johns? I do. I do. But I won’t tell, not for any price. I can’t tell. Only two men under the moon know the promise I made thirteen steps from the graveyard all those years ago to learn it, and neither of us are telling.

If a man eats a cow tongue, he has two tongues in his mouth. That’s Vermont, all right. Pickle a cow tongue and your basement’s whiskey still won’t ever run dry.

A man who’s willing to fight a three-legged pointer dog on a hot duck-hunting afternoon is a man I’d be proud to invite to my campfire for a fistful of Johnnycakes.

Hasn’t been a recipe yet that will get blood out of the mill-stone hanging over my front door. It casts a shadow over my eyes every time I walk outside. That’ll be the stone that kills me, mark my words. I just hope I manage to finish collecting enough hen of the woods mushrooms to make my quick skillet beef stroganoff (p. 37) before it drops onto this wicked, wicked head.

If you can swallow an oyster, you can swallow a man’s heart.

A well-cooked pork chop is every bit as important as a childhood. Who decided that nonfat Greek yogurt was mandatory in $250 restaurants? Why can’t a man hunt New Hampshiremen that swarm across the Old Wall in his own backyard? My own mother used to leave me for dead at the base of a powerful waterfall every morning with only a curse and her spit in my eye to guide me back home, and I’m seven feet tall as a result of it.

(..this is pretty much exactly how the horror stories I write tend to go, actually. Except mine are bad, obviously)

Oriphiel · 09-24-2018, 11:04 AM

Frownland and Chula are split personalities of the same person

~~[MERIT]~~ · 09-24-2018, 11:51 AM

Amateurs

03-12-2018, 11:54 PM	#52 (permalink)
Chiomara mayor of spookytown Join Date: Jan 2017 Posts: 812	Ina Garten is actually an eight thousand year old demon-witch who uses (off-camera) the blood and spirit essence of her TV show "guests" to supplement her other, secret herb garden (so that she can continue harvesting the ingredients for her magical elixir which maintains her human facade). The food she serves to guests contains various sedatives and hallucinogens so that after her various glamours/trickery magics fade, they don't really notice the fact that they're actually in a dilapidated barn filled to the brim with eyeless black salamanders & foul witchery. They simply lapse into a food coma (lulled by her soothing voice rattling on about tomatoes or whatever) and never wake up. She mustn't be trusted. __________________ Χρυσοσανδαλαιμοποτιχθονία Tumblr - 8tracks - Spotify

09-24-2018, 11:04 AM	#57 (permalink)
Oriphiel Ask me how! Join Date: Oct 2014 Location: The States Posts: 5,355	Frownland and Chula are split personalities of the same person __________________ ---------------------- \|---Mic's Albums---\| ---------------------- ----------------------------- \|---Deafbox Industries---\| -----------------------------

09-24-2018, 11:51 AM	#58 (permalink)
~~[MERIT]~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Missouri, USA Posts: 4,814	Amateurs