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Old 12-08-2004, 08:12 PM   #1 (permalink)
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I guess this is the best place to put this.

My new band, My False Heart, is in the process of writing new material for our debut show on January 23rd. Here are some of our lastest lyrics. I would like feedback please and be as critical as you want.

Spitting Back Words With Just A Bit More Venom


We’ve reached the end my dear
And I’ve got the rope right here
Enough to hang you right where I want you

I’ll sing back your words
Now tell me how it hurts
To not have any recourse or grace

You’re so wonderful in all your beauty
Beauty so paper thin, beauty so ugly
You’re so fragile in all your beauty
Beauty so fleeting, beauty so dreadful

How could you think I’d help you?
You killed me so many times, once will be enough

I’ll say it was the only way
And I won’t feel guilty or ashamed
I planned this every night I died

I hope you can see
The scars you’ve given me
And so ends all your voiceless whispers

You’re so wonderful in all your beauty
Beauty so paper thin, beauty so ugly
You’re so fragile in all your beauty
Beauty so fleeting, beauty so dreadful


Taking Time To Realize I’m Finished

To be comforted is to forget
To be loved is to remember

A life once lost, is never found
A heart once given is lost to sound

I can’t hear your stringent words
Not that I want to anyway

We’ll never have to say hello again, at least where we’re headed
We’ll never say goodbye, tomorrow, you see, has died

We’ll never have to dance again; on ground no one has tread
We’ll always have these memories, of you and me, to regret

Don’t forget what you can’t save
Don’t sell what you can’t take
Don’t tear what you can’t mend
Don’t give in…don’t give in

We’ll hold them off as long as necessary
We’ll fight forever and staring
Down the barrel of a gun isn’t as scary as I woulda thought


23 Hours Left In The Worst Day Of My Life

Sleep is so persuasive when you’re desperate
I’ll turn off the alarm, try to turn off the world
Leave me to myself; I’m so gone now

You and me, could be, another fatal memory

Better instinct says no but I’ll over analyze
Funny how the lines on your arms run parallel
I noticed that the first night
Notice how it was already the last?

And we dance in this endless waltz
Let the dissonant symphony wash over you, wash over me
The bitter notes mix with sour melodies
It causes us to fade into obscurity
Quick, grab my hand before we’re too far gone…

I won’t wait for this time; half past 2 and I’ll leave
I swear you won’t make it; you’re in a speeding coffin
A final rose is best it seems, to please, and me
I’ll die with the knowledge of what happened

And we dance in this endless waltz
Let the dissonant symphony wash over you, wash over me
The bitter notes mix with sour melodies
The last word I ever said was please
But I slew the final kiss you missed and now we’re too far gone


What, Why, How, End

Verse 1

How do you construct a goodbye?
How do you rebuild these bridges?
How do you buy back this time?
How do you remove these stitches?
How should I apologize again?
How do I move my frozen limbs?

Chorus

I’m having to learn again and I admit I don’t like it
But its not like I have much of a choice
I’m forgiving myself again, and its time to look at this script
Did you write this? I have no voice!

Verse 2

Why should I open up now?
Why do I take my life each night?
Why will you not tell me how?
Why do torched skies burn so bright?
Why should I apologize again?
Why can’t I escape this frozen skin?

Chorus

Verse 3

What must I prove for you?
What more to sorrow can I give?
What causes your blood to melt me through?
What emotion do I trade to live?
What must I apeothize again?
Are you sure it’s no demon?

Chorus



So Damn Dashing

We’re not afraid of consequences are we…

We’ll walk alone our eyes alight
It’s just me and you and stars tonight
But tomorrow will eventually arrive
No matter how hard you try to fight

How can we battle sickness if we have no symptoms?

I’ll sing to you in pouring rain
But you aren’t listening stinging disdain
Cuts through words and severs veins
Seems that I, sang in vain

Which one of your emotions will you trade to live this time?

Why are we fighting fate in its fatalistic glory?
We can’t, we won’t, we’ll not finish writing out Pyrrhean story
I’ll take my stand to stop this darkening sea
But watch my back I fear they’re coming for me


Every Breath A Compromise

Since when does my civility reflect my inner anger!
I was only trying to
Be nice! To you!
But you think everything has an alternative destructive end

I need you to (pull your self) together
Not everything I say (has a double meaning)
Free thinking but close minded
I’m not trying to tempt you

Since when do my lights me more than stop
I still keep trying to
Forget! About you!
But you poisoned my mind so completely

Can you accept that I’m right for you?
Or are you too sure of your imperfection
Because of failure you’ll stay alone
Take my hand I’ll guide you in


Flight

We once flew, above the clouds
Not daring to, look down
Your hand in mine, felt oh so perfect
To see you smile, this fall was worth it

Take me for granted!
Take me to late!
Take me enchanted!
Just take me away
x2

Hearts shatter like so much glass
Wings flutter and we forget our broken past
Now poisoned words fill this Icarian tale
We tried to fly but our wings failed

Take me for granted!
Take me to late!
Take me enchanted!
Just take me away
x2

The brightest star guides our hearts
A demon’s lure, and we’re both torn apart
My scared apologies reach the ears of none
Now I’m undone and won’t see the sun

Take me for granted!
Take me to late!
Take me enchanted!
Just take me away
x2
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Old 12-08-2004, 09:22 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Spitting Back Words With Just A Bit More Venom


We’ve reached the end my dear
And I’ve got the rope right here
Enough to hang you right where I want you I like this part

I’ll sing back your words
Now tell me how it hurts
To not have any recourse or grace seems out of place

You’re so wonderful in all your beauty
Beauty so paper thin, beauty so ugly
You’re so fragile in all your beauty
Beauty so fleeting, beauty so dreadful
I know beauty is meant as repetition... but I think it's overdone

How could you think I’d help you?
You killed me so many times, once will be enough
very cliche? enough metaphors about dieing I think... leave that to The Used
I’ll say it was the only way
And I won’t feel guilty or ashamed
I planned this every night I died

I hope you can see
The scars you’ve given me very literal
And so ends all your voiceless whispers

You’re so wonderful in all your beauty
Beauty so paper thin, beauty so ugly
You’re so fragile in all your beauty
Beauty so fleeting, beauty so dreadful


Taking Time To Realize I’m Finished

To be comforted is to forget
To be loved is to remember

A life once lost, is never found
A heart once given is lost to sound

I can’t hear your stringent words sounds like you raided the thesaurus
Not that I want to anyway

We’ll never have to say hello again, at least where we’re headed
We’ll never say goodbye, tomorrow, you see, has died more death metaphors *yawn*

We’ll never have to dance again; on ground no one has tread
We’ll always have these memories, of you and me, to regret
I like the "have to"

Don’t forget what you can’t save
Don’t sell what you can’t take
Don’t tear what you can’t mend I like this
Don’t give in…don’t give in wow... very inspiring... out of placeish

We’ll hold them off as long as necessary
We’ll fight forever and staring
Down the barrel of a gun isn’t as scary as I woulda thought

This song seems to change halfway through... almost like you wrote half of two and put them together. Some of lines are very catchy though


23 Hours Left In The Worst Day Of My Life

Sleep is so persuasive when you’re desperate
I’ll turn off the alarm, try to turn off the world
Leave me to myself; I’m so gone now don't especially care for this verse

You and me, could be, another fatal memory meh

Better instinct says no but I’ll over analyze
Funny how the lines on your arms run parallel
I noticed that the first night
Notice how it was already the last? I like this part

And we dance in this endless waltz
Let the dissonant symphony wash over you, wash over me
The bitter notes mix with sour melodies
It causes us to fade into obscurity
Quick, grab my hand before we’re too far gone…

I won’t wait for this time; half past 2 and I’ll leave
I swear you won’t make it; you’re in a speeding coffin
A final rose is best it seems, to please, and me final rose? funeral flowers?
I’ll die with the knowledge of what happened

And we dance in this endless waltz
Let the dissonant symphony wash over you, wash over me
The bitter notes mix with sour melodies
The last word I ever said was please
But I slew the final kiss you missed and now we’re too far gone

I like it... but it would be more impactful if less of your songs were in this vein.

What, Why, How, End

Verse 1

How do you construct a goodbye?
How do you rebuild these bridges?
How do you buy back this time?
How do you remove these stitches?
How should I apologize again?
How do I move my frozen limbs?

Chorus

I’m having to learn again and I admit I don’t like it
But its not like I have much of a choice
I’m forgiving myself again, and its time to look at this script
Did you write this? I have no voice!

Verse 2

Why should I open up now?
Why do I take my life each night?
Why will you not tell me how?
Why do torched skies burn so bright?
Why should I apologize again?
Why can’t I escape this frozen skin?

Chorus

Verse 3

What must I prove for you?
What more to sorrow can I give?
What causes your blood to melt me through?
What emotion do I trade to live?
What must I apeothize again?
Are you sure it’s no demon?

Chorus

I just don't like this song... I won't even bother



So Damn Dashing

We’re not afraid of consequences are we… with the wording it seems a question mark at the end is more apropriate

We’ll walk alone our eyes alight ughh boulevard of broken dreams... eww
It’s just me and you and stars tonight
But tomorrow will eventually arrive
No matter how hard you try to fight

^worst part of the whole song... all you really should change

How can we battle sickness if we have no symptoms?

I’ll sing to you in pouring rain
But you aren’t listening stinging disdain
Cuts through words and severs veins semi-synaesthesia? clever
Seems that I, sang in vain homophones... not seen very oftenly

Which one of your emotions will you trade to live this time?

Why are we fighting fate in its fatalistic glory?
We can’t, we won’t, we’ll not finish writing out Pyrrhean story
I’ll take my stand to stop this darkening sea
But watch my back I fear they’re coming for me

favorite of your songs... some clever writing devices and metaphors. With the right music could be great


Every Breath A Compromise

Since when does my civility reflect my inner anger!
I was only trying to
Be nice! To you! ughh painfully... sad... nice? it's obvious you're a better writer then thatBut you think everything has an alternative destructive end

I need you to (pull your self) together
Not everything I say (has a double meaning)I like this... metaphors are friendly though... maybe like.. the words that escape my lips don't always wear two faces
Free thinking but close minded
I’m not trying to tempt you

Since when do my lights me more than stop
I still keep trying to
Forget! About you!
But you poisoned my mind so completely poisoned ughh

Can you accept that I’m right for you?
Or are you too sure of your imperfection
Because of failure you’ll stay alone
Take my hand I’ll guide you in

did someone else write this one or were you tired? I stopped halfway through... lyrical a.d.d...


Flight

We once flew, above the clouds
Not daring to, look down
Your hand in mine, felt oh so perfect
To see you smile, this fall was worth it metaphors are best when they require thought...

Take me for granted!
Take me to late!
Take me enchanted!
Just take me away hmm catchy... I like it
x2

Hearts shatter like so much glass
Wings flutter and we forget our broken past
Now poisoned words fill this Icarian tale change the word poisoned and it's the best line I've read
We tried to fly but our wings failed change this around... failed is so obvious

Take me for granted!
Take me to late!
Take me enchanted!
Just take me away
x2

The brightest star guides our hearts
A demon’s lure, and we’re both torn apart
My scared apologies reach the ears of none
Now I’m undone and won’t see the sun meh... this line seems to be filler. at least change something better to rhyme with none

Take me for granted!
Take me to late!
Take me enchanted!
Just take me away
x2

Well... I tried to help. I hope you realize that through all the critisism and suggestions I think that you're talented... whatever anonymous internet praise means
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Old 12-09-2004, 09:49 AM   #3 (permalink)
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damn those are some pretty long songs!
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Old 12-09-2004, 01:37 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Thanks alot Denver, thats what I wanted. Alot of times all the songs I write aren't reviewed. Thanks for your criticisms.
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Old 12-09-2004, 04:59 PM   #5 (permalink)
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That is ****ing good man. I'd post some of my own but I'm hella embarrassed cos they suck... unless you guys promise not to insult me too harshly...
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Old 12-09-2004, 11:41 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Post your lyrics... critiscism is the only way to make them better right? oh and RAR.. is your band playing in the seattle area anytime? I wouldn't mind seeing you guys.
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Old 12-10-2004, 12:32 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Hey! there good...so far i've written two songs and they're both ****
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Old 12-10-2004, 07:07 AM   #8 (permalink)
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they are a bit to literal but id be interested in hearing them in a band. what kind of music do you guys play?
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Old 12-10-2004, 01:49 PM   #9 (permalink)
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As I said our debut is January 23rd at the Ottobar up in Maryland (we live in Woodbridge). Our style is classified you might say as metalcore meets scremo. We're along the lines of MCR/Underoath (i know you don't like them but we do) at our softest and Between The Buried And Me/Dead To Fall in our breakdowns and heavier parts. My scream is pretty deep and our guitarist Mark has a really high one. I think you might like us Frost.
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Old 12-10-2004, 03:22 PM   #10 (permalink)
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(Brackets show screams)
(A bleeding heart and punctured lungs,)
Were we warned love could feel this way?
(Estinguished in a sea of sorrow.)
The last embers of my soul

(Was it so long ago we could speak without screams?)
Why is it now we can meet without words?
(You were once mine.)
You belonged to me.

I loved you.
(You were once mine.)
I held you.
(You belonged to me.)

(Was it so long ago we could speak without screams?)
(Why is it now we can meet without words?)
(You were once mine.)
(You belonged to me.)
(You belonged to me.)
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