Chuck Norris (house, quote, 1983, Bell)

Laces Out Dan! · 08-22-2006, 09:35 PM

I know these things are old, but my friend said one today and it totally reminded me of how funny they are..

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is ***, but because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

These are some of my favourites.

Mama Booze · 08-22-2006, 09:44 PM

they're all hysterical, but this one's the best...

Quote:

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Hahahaha I'm gutting myself over here haha.

Laces Out Dan! · 08-22-2006, 09:48 PM

Haha yeah that ones really good

dirt mcgirt · 08-22-2006, 10:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by _LesPaul43_

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

ayo, is it worth using ribbed condoms if tha girl is dead?

Laces Out Dan! · 08-22-2006, 10:48 PM

I bet Chuck Norris wouldnt care

Cheese · 08-23-2006, 03:37 AM

Chuck Norris couldn't act if his f*cking life was on the line.

He's probably nicknamed chuck because that's what most people do once they have been forced to endure one of his crapfests.

Blain · 08-23-2006, 03:44 AM

Lol well if you like Chuck Norris, you should watch The Ultimate Showdown

Linkidy-link-link-link-linkidy!

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/285267

Levithan · 08-23-2006, 06:53 AM

Heres my favourite...Chuck Norris went into Burger King and ordered a Big Mac...and got one...

~~under~~ · 08-23-2006, 07:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Levithian

Heres my favourite...Chuck Norris went into Burger King and ordered a Big Mac...and got one...

I bet he threatened to give them a round house kick in the face if he hadn't gotten one.

gabbagabba_hey · 08-23-2006, 07:24 AM

at my school theres a giant sign that say
"guns dont kill people ... chuck norris kills people"

ive been plotting to steal it

08-22-2006, 09:35 PM	#1 (permalink)
Laces Out Dan! I love Puck Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: British Columbia Posts: 4,614	Chuck Norris I know these things are old, but my friend said one today and it totally reminded me of how funny they are.. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is *, but because he has run out of women. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't ** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium. Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face. Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. These are some of my favourites. __________________ We are entirely smooth, We admit to the truth, We are the best at what we do.

08-22-2006, 09:48 PM	#3 (permalink)
Laces Out Dan! I love Puck Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: British Columbia Posts: 4,614	Haha yeah that ones really good __________________ We are entirely smooth, We admit to the truth, We are the best at what we do.

08-22-2006, 10:48 PM	#5 (permalink)
Laces Out Dan! I love Puck Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: British Columbia Posts: 4,614	I bet Chuck Norris wouldnt care __________________ We are entirely smooth, We admit to the truth, We are the best at what we do.

08-23-2006, 07:24 AM	#10 (permalink)
gabbagabba_hey Dont Get Raped In Cancun Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: land of treason Posts: 193	at my school theres a giant sign that say "guns dont kill people ... chuck norris kills people" ive been plotting to steal it __________________ go on out get some more go on out to the bar the market or the liquor store friends dont let friends get lost in chinatown

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08-23-2006, 03:37 AM	#6 (permalink)
Cheese Shadow on the wall Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: New Zealand Posts: 823	Chuck Norris couldn't act if his f*cking life was on the line. He's probably nicknamed chuck because that's what most people do once they have been forced to endure one of his crapfests.

08-23-2006, 03:44 AM	#7 (permalink)
Blain w0rd Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Suva, Fiji Posts: 1,034	Lol well if you like Chuck Norris, you should watch The Ultimate Showdown Linkidy-link-link-link-linkidy! http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/285267