|08-22-2006, 09:35 PM||#1 (permalink)|
I love Puck
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: British Columbia
I know these things are old, but my friend said one today and it totally reminded me of how funny they are..
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is ***, but because he has run out of women.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
These are some of my favourites.
We are entirely smooth, We admit to the truth, We are the best at what we do.
|08-22-2006, 09:44 PM||#2 (permalink)|
Here's lookin at you, kid
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: The White Hotel
they're all hysterical, but this one's the best...
|08-23-2006, 03:37 AM||#6 (permalink)|
Shadow on the wall
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: New Zealand
Chuck Norris couldn't act if his f*cking life was on the line.
He's probably nicknamed chuck because that's what most people do once they have been forced to endure one of his crapfests.
Two thousand years of misery, of torture in my name
Hypocrisy made paramount, paranoia the law
My name is called religion, sadistic, sacred whore
|08-23-2006, 06:53 AM||#8 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2005
Heres my favourite...Chuck Norris went into Burger King and ordered a Big Mac...and got one...
Wieder lieg ich auf der lauerDenn wir spielen unser spiel. Wieder wart ich an der mauer. Wieder steh ich kurz vorm ziel
I dont like Prince Phillip because he's a racist.I also dont like the Queen because she's German...so that leaves me in a funny situation
|08-23-2006, 07:16 AM||#9 (permalink)|
Join Date: Mar 2006
|08-23-2006, 07:24 AM||#10 (permalink)|
Dont Get Raped In Cancun
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: land of treason
at my school theres a giant sign that say
"guns dont kill people ... chuck norris kills people"
ive been plotting to steal it
go on out
get some more
go on out
to the bar
the market or the liquor store
friends dont let friends get lost in chinatown