The Spam Thread: Channel Your Need to Spam Here Only

[Key]

Originally Posted by windsock

And two syllables.

And a punctuation.

[MicShazam]

Originally Posted by Oriphiel

More like Finnegan's Wank, amirite

*bro fists and opens beer can with tanned biceps somehow*

Originally Posted by Frownland

It's one of the few books that I can think of that pretty much be discussed and analysed endlessly.

Try out the first page.

*applies wedgie*


But seriously, I tried replacing every second word with "pancake" and it didn't make any less sense.

[Frownland]

Originally Posted by MicShazam

*bro fists and opens beer can with tanned biceps somehow*



*applies wedgie*


But seriously, I tried replacing every second word with "pancake" and it didn't make any less sense.

The sense is there but it's dense.

…up and tightening down. Yes, you're changing, sonhusband, and you're turning, I can feel you, for a daughterwife from the hills again. Imlamaya. And she is coming. Swimming in my hindmoist. Diveltaking on me tail. Just a whisk brisk sly spry spink spank sprint of a thing theresomere, saultering…okay, that's enough. If you've made it through this many pages of this thing, then I can safely assume that you're a literary critic. Let me first just start off by saying how sorry I am for making you read this book. If it's any consolation, writing it has been an absolute nightmare.

This morning at breakfast, my wife said, "You know that Finnegan book is due today, right?"

I laughed and took a bite of toast.

"That's not due until the 30th!"

"It is the 30th," she said.

I spat out my toast and had what I now understand was a panic attack. Sweat was pouring down my face and it was like I couldn't get enough air. This Finnegan thing was due in nine hours, and I hadn't even started.

I've been in my office ever since, shouting gibbering into this Dictaphone. I'm very exhausted (and I'm sure all you critics are too) so I'll try to make this as brief as possible: I am in serious financial trouble. I won't get into the specifics, but basically, if this book doesn't sell well, the dog track's going to take my house. So here's the deal: If you give this nonsensical book a rave review and call it a "work of genius," I will mail you two (2) homemade Irish sweaters. I'm sorry I can't offer you anything nicer, but like I said, I'm in a real hole here.

I know what you're thinking: We're well respected literary critics. Why would we risk our reputations for a couple of sweaters? If a regular person finishes this book, and reads this page, it'll destroy our credibility.

Trust me on this: No regular people are going to finish this book. Maybe some people will say that they've finished it. But most people won't even get past the first sentence of this thing. I mean, the book is nonsense. Do you remember the end of Chapter 5, when I just listed dog breeds for 50 pages? There is no way any normal person could make it through something like that. And then there was the chapter where I just repeated the word Finnegan over and over again, using more and more exclamation points each time. I still can't believe I even did that. It's like I went crazy for a little while.


Let me tell you some more about the sweaters that I'm offering you. They are tastefully embroidered, guaranteed to last, and hand-stitched from 100% Aran wool. And all you have to do to get some is say, "Finnegans Wake is a work of genius." That's it! Write it down in a journal or newspaper and I will send you your sweaters immediately.

Again — I know what you're thinking: Joyce already scammed us once before, with Ulysses. He wrote 521 pages of nonsense, followed by a brief note to the critics in which he promised us sweaters in exchange for raves. We gave him his raves and we still haven't gotten our sweaters. Why should we listen to him this time?

I can't erase the past. All I can say is, I'm sorry about what happened, and I hope you'll give me this chance to make things right.

OK. That's it. I'm completely in your hands now. I have to start shouting nonsense again because sometimes people skip to the last page of books and I have to make sure the end is as incomprehensible as the beginning so the regular people don't get suspicious. OK. Here it goes. Yikes, I can't believe I'm really doing this...

Ho hang! Hang ho! And the clash of our cries till we spring to be free. Auravoles, they says, never heed of your name...

[Oriphiel]

Woah. It's like Frownfiction: The Novel.

[MicShazam]

When it comes to novels, I'm like Elph is about movies.
Except it's not active dislike but an inability to care.
I try to read novels, but only actually manage to make progress in non-fiction books.

Which reminds me that I've started reading this one.



Found it in a book store that has a few million used books.

[Oriphiel]

K

[MicShazam]

Should post it in the book thread but who cares.

[Frownland]

[rostasi]

Originally Posted by MicShazam

If I was visiting the Finnegan's[sic] Wake Book Club every single day it would not take long before every other subject than Finnegan's[sic] Wake would get some attention.

But why would you visit every day if you couldn't fill the time talking about the subject at hand?
Wouldn't that be a waste of your time? I have to say that this is the only forum I've been on in
a quarter of a century that spends such an inordinate amount of time talking about subjects
other than what the forum was named/intended for.

[Frownland]

I believe that the non-music subjects fall under the bants umbrella.