No, actually. That wasn't a Mark Twain quote. It's commonly attributed to Twain, but it's not him.

And than I said "hey, thats not my child." And then I punched her in the face.

Darth Vader is what George Lucas sees us to be - egomaniacal power-thirsty insecure people with anger management issues and emphysema

Hell yeah, I was going to start a thread about shoe sizes.

one inherent negative trait all my exes see in me?

selfishness

Man, I sure do love watermelons.

That's just rude, you can't just call somebody's dog ugly.

**** yeah I ain't read ****.

I'm sorry, but the fact that you think you can say that and not get arrested is just...not even cool.

I cannot stop laughing. Loved the part about the ferrets!