if you were god
 

i feel like if it exists god got a lot of things right but there are a few things i would change myself.

my main idea is that instead of sending people to hell and all that i would just punish and reward people who live on earth. if a man sinned i would shrink his dick a little bit. if a woman sinned i'd make her a little bit fatter. so basically in my universe people would either stop sinning or it'd be a world full of small dicked men and fat women.

what would you do differently if you were god?

1. Send everything that ever existed back in time sucking it into the unknown it once came from

2. Spawn a cat named Jesus and make it insane by default and give it the ability to create

3. Listen to Smash Mouth - All Star

4. Kill myself with a lawnmower while laughing

That's what dick implants and liposuction are for. Check mate, God.

/thread

What do you mean, "if"? :D

But seriously: I would write it into ALL religious texts, in no way that could be taken ambiguously or misinterpreted that anyone who used my name as an excuse to kill or hurt others would never get into Heaven. No way. No chance. Don't even think about it. That'd stop all these ****ing religious wars.

Oh, and I would also say Mohammed's image can be shown everywhere:t-shirts, drawings, internet: don't even think about punishing people for using his image! He likes exposure!

Finally, at the beginning of the Bible I would have this preface:

"To my darling Candy. All characters who appear here are fictitious, and any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

I'd make a mountain so high even I couldn't jump over it and then I'd jump over it anyway to much acclaim.

Also, instead of making trillions and trillions and trillions of electrons I would just make one that could be in an infinite number of times and places at the same time.

And I would put a smiley face on the sun.

I'd make a giant, crude penis on every crop field in the world.

I'd force all the people of Isreal and Palestine to bang each other to test their faith.

:beer:

I wonder how many people realize that the bible is a collection of short stories written by at least 40 different people over the course of approx. 1,500 years.