I had my big breakdown in November but I'm fine now. This is no reflection on anyone, nor an attempt to trivialise what a lot of you seem to be going through, but suicide seems to be a recurring theme here. I know there are plenty of reasons people would feel like ending it, but I haven't seen so many people in so relatively small a group feel this way. I only ever felt suicidal once, and the only reason I could come up with for not ending it all was that I wasn't insured at the time, and Karen would get nothing. At the time, she was relatively able to take care of herself so I didn't have the additional guilt trip of leaving her on her own.

But that is literally the only time I've seriously felt that way, and I hope never to again. I sincerely hope anyone (Blank, Steph) who is feeling like this, or has felt like this, gets or got over it, found a way through and found something to live for. I honestly don't know what to say that wouldn't sound completely trite, so I'll say something completely trite: whoever you are, if you're here, you matter and we would miss you, so please don't do it.

Fluoxetine, my dog, and cannabis keeps me going. :beer:

Suicide is a big ordeal. If you’re the sort who’s not going to **** around with spur of the moment half ass attempts I think one of the dangers of antidepressants is that when you transition from the complete apathy of a certain brand of depression to getting some zeal back it’s possible that the first thing you’re going to do now that you have the gumption to do anything is to off yourself. To be really sure you don’t **** it up takes some planning and follow through. Americans have the advantage of easy access to guns but keeping a sure hand through the pulling of the trigger will take some sincere effort. I read that even if you successfully blow your brain stem out of your head completely it still takes about ninety seconds to die. Maybe you’re out instantly or maybe those ninety seconds crawl. And God help you if you twitch and give yourself a lobotomy.

i tend to just have 10-15 mins a day, usually some time shortly before i go to bed where i ponder mortality until i feel sick to my stomach and then i’m good to go.

not exaggerating when i say it’s a daily occurrence, has been since i had a really bad period of time last year, but it seems to take up less and less of my time now so that’s good i guess. i don’t expect to ever, like, not be terrified of death. but the less amount of time freaking out over it the better.

Just found out on Facebbook of all places that the brother of my sister's husband just died. I have no idea how yet. He was a super funny, cheerful and mellow guy. Really, really ****ty news.

That's rough. I'm sorry for your loss. :-(. They should've called you for that.

4th session. It was mostly about my views on accountability. How so many people lack accountability because they aren't brave enough to admit their imperfections. The whole reason I decided to get counseling was me taking accountability for my actions. She's said she's happy to see that because I'm in a position where I could easily blame people. I said I don't like blaming because it becomes a road block and strips you of your power. When you actually take accountability it gives you your power, and while you have to admit your flaws, it gives you the power to fix it and overcome. My breakdown was caused by a combination of PTSD, manic depression and bipolar disorder. And I could easily blame that and make that an excuse for my behavior. But nothing will ever change if I do that. I've had these emotional problems my whole life so I know better. I know that even though I can't help how I feel or help having these emotions I have the power to choose how to deal with it, I choose how I react. Like, a close friend of mine was home schooled and lacks a high school education. He constantly talks about how his mom robbed him of an education. He will never admit how much power he had, and has right now, to give himself that education that he's really robbing himself of. I've been in that same situation, I hardly attended high school, I did a year before my parents told me to get a job. So I could easily make that excuse and blame them for robbing me of an education and I did that for a long ass time. But I finally took accountability and gave myself the power to not only get myself a GED but to also attend a year of college. I was in the same exact situation as him and I put myself into college while he put the accountability on his mom and accomplished nothing. And that's why I brought it up because one thing that's bothering me is the denial of accountability. That's what my dad used to do when he'd get mad at us and punish for no reason or hit us or beat the dog, it was his job, they were stressing him out, it's their fault he acted that way. It's okay to admit you're imperfect, we all are, but when you deny it and blame others for it you will become trapped behind the bars of your own cowardice, doomed to keep yourself down. My therapist says that the only problem is that while I don't hold others accountable for my actions, it seems as though I blame myself too much. So while it's great that I hold myself accountable I have to be careful not to put too much blame on myself because it facilitates self loathing.

I've been pretty solid over the last two years but I have my moments. Usually it's not an urge to kill myself but rather an overwhelming yearning to not exist anymore. Like I wish I could just sign a waiver and blink myself out of existence. Killing myself is too dirty and like Steph said, very easy to f*ck up and end up making things worse. Plus, I hate myself way too much to kill myself. F*cking pussy. Killing yourself? What a loser. Take that Exo.

Best thing that works for me is to realize that life is bull****. We're all going to not exist at some point. Somebody might even do the deed for me and make it easier. Best to stick around and enjoy some cool **** before that happens.

Oh, and meds help too. Meds from a good doctor that is.

Yay Steph! We don't deserve dogs. Humans that is. You and me deserve our dogs however. We special.

I lose sight of what's worthwhile about life now and then, but I don't think I've ever been seriously depressed on a dangerous level.

At worst, I'll spend a day lying on the couch, staring up into the ceiling and sleeping a lot. I've never been contemplating suicide for real, even if I've been considering the pros and cons many times - but from what I deem to have been safe, emotionally controlled distance.

These days I'm doing quite good. I've had a whole year without anything I'd call a real depression. I've learned to not think about things so much and I think that helps me a lot. I just think about music, movies, things out there in the world. Anything but myself and my own situation.

Sorry to hear that, man. Finding on on Bookface is a really ****ty way to hear such news though. Why wouldn't they have told you? Do you not get along?