Went to the DMV for an appointment that I made in June. Shot the **** with some tweaker lady while I waited who told me about Ukraine before she came to America. I think. She was hard to understand with all of those missing teeth. Went on the train later and almost missed it because it was a later train than I usually take and I misread the schedule. Made it though. Went to the store for some lettuce for my lunch and I guess that someone shat all over the romaine again because the whole salad section was stripped dry. I could give a **** about some e coli dude, I just wanna eat healthy. Grabbed a beer at this place next door to the store and ate some of their terrible terrible chicken alfredo. Thank god it was cheap because yuck dude. This car blew through a red light and almost hit me on my way home. When I got home, grabbed a beer and a water then went to my room. I was setting my coat down when I dropped my beer. Usually when I drop a beer it'll just bounce and puncture in one small spot, but it hit my dresser right on the side of the can and exploded. I grabbed it before it entirely spilled out all over my **** and shotgunned it because party bro. Then I masturbated to the thought of elphenor failing at his speech before heading to the other room play guitar for about 30 minutes and goddamn was that a good jam. Grabbed another beer and heated up some of the chicken alfredo that I took home.

I used to be super sensitive to caffeine now it's like it actually puts me asleep. I’ll drink 5 cups of coffee or more and still nothing. My tolerance is too high.

Just imagine everyone giving you a blowjob.

I’m sure they’ll all be imagining the same thing.

Everybody wins

Just remember that while you're terrified everyone else is going to be bored as ****.

Too true. I gave a speech at my friend's wedding last weekend and knew to keep it short because nobody actually cares. I think my speech clocked in at a minute and a half.

You probably could have cut it down if you weren't being such a chatty Cathy.

Instead of projecting your own inadequacies onto your audience(s), have you considered working on your public speaking skills?

My public speaking skills are just fine. Hence the 90-second speech. It was just the toast, and I knew if I just told a quick, funny anecdote, it would go over well.

So kindly fuck off.