I first started dating Linda at 19. Her older, and extremly beautiful sister was 22 and already had a 6 year old daughter out of wedlock. I became kind of a surrogate dad to her right off the bat and got extremely close to Lin's sister as a result. To say that the sisters were tight would be the understatement of the century. Lin's dad died in a plane accident when she was 16 and her mom, who re-married and had her second husband drop dead of a heart attack when Lin was 19, became a basket case as a result. So ya, they were really close.

A few years later the cancer stick came knocking. Double mastectomy and a long recovery. Then it came back. Another long battle. Then it came back and she was told that this was it - she didn't have long to live.

She spent 6 of her last 8 weeks living with us under hospice care. Full on hospital bed, oxygen, and twice a day nurse visits. By this point she was in the 5th stage of terminal death - acceptance.

Linda was beyond devastated and was not able to talk with her about it, so I'd spend hours with her, mostly at night while she expressed her feelings about dying and leaving behind her teenage daughter, who I swore I'd take care of forever.

Watching that beautiful woman slowly shrinking away, in an up close and personal way, was the hardest thing I've ever endured.

Finally she ended up in the hospital and Linda stayed with her pretty much 24/7 till the end. She held on longer than the doctors expected. One afternoon Linda came home to take a shower and get some fresh clothes. When she got back to the hospital the nurse told her that Robin had passed shortly after Linda had left.

I was surprised to see her come back home home so soon and went out to see why. She barely made it out of the car before completely losing it in my arms, trembling and balling like a baby for what seemed like forever.

To say the next few days were hard doesn't really cut it. There's still a huge hole over 20 years later that will never be filled.

When Linda's step-sister was in town last week we spent hours sharing old stories about Robin. Lots of laughter but still a ton of sadness.

Respect!

I was on summer break from school I think, and while I'd been an atheist all my life one day the idea of oblivion really hit me like a brick. I was pretty much inconsolable and constantly freaked out for at least a week. Don't know if I ever quite got over it actually. Dying definitely gives me the willies and I have no intention of doing so.

One of the things we talked about a lot was whether it was better, for the people you leave behind, to be hit by a bus or slowly die from a disease.

We never quite settled on an answer.

Death is heavy no matter how you slice it but any sort of immortality myth to me is much more disturbing than reality. I don't want to rush it but it's nice to know it ends.

What about suicide? I want to think well he got what he wanted but mostly I felt like **** he's right this **** sucks.

For the deaths I've known murder may have been the most upsetting.

It's the difference between sudden BANG unexpected death, and knowing that someone is slowly dying.

We did agree that it was nice to be able to hug loved ones and say goodbye, but that it was a bit selfish, since they had to endure weeks, or months of slow anguish right along side you.

I've been through both on numerous occasions and I still haven't settled on a sensible conclusion.

No the question is suicide vs murder.

As much as life sucks and I'm a maladjusted cluster**** the thought of ceasing to exist and losing knowledge of everything I've seen and felt just feels like the most unfair cosmic joke ever. Last night I was thinking about how it's kind of ****ed that I'm forgetting much of my high school life. High school was basically one minor trauma after another that I despised, but it was also an important part of my life, and I kind of mourn for that deranged kid who was sure everything would get better one day. He's dying and many of his experiences and feelings are going to be lost to me forever, and considering just how much he went through during those years it just doesn't seem fair.

And what about the future? I'll probably never know if the human race reaches past our solar system, or if we ever have a unified world government, or if Batman ever marries Catwoman. There's just so much cool **** to know at any given time that the thought of missing out on an infinite stretch of time after I die is galling. What right do you people have to do things if I'm not around to see it?

The good news is you won't care. You won't even won't care.