Johnny Mags Historical Texts for the Ages
 

So a few years ago, while employed at Barnes and Noble, I worked with a man named John. He was saddled with the nickname "Mags" due to his previous title as Newstand Lead. Basically, he was in charge of organizing and distributing newstand related items. He will now only be referred to as Mags.

Ever since I quit I've been receiving text messages updating me on the store and its goings on. I'm not the only one receiving these text messages. Former co-workers Mags has deemed worthy have also been getting the same ones. They are what fever dreams are made of. They are the product of a lonely psychotic Italian man from Paramus, NJ, who is still a good friend and can occasionally be absolutely hilarious but still scares the absolute sh*t out of me.

Mags is now the head of the cashwrap or head of the cashiers. His whole life revolves around what happens up near the cash registers so keep that in mind.

I get these text message without asking and usually with minimal reply. Sometimes I don't reply ever. Sometimes I send a "lol", sometimes I indulge the lunacy.

I have been wanting to document these messages somewhere, maybe in a book one day, but I'll start here instead. There will be characters who I will introduce and add to the OP as needed but I'll start with his most recent text message following this post as it's a doozy and one that set this whole journal in motion.

Ladies and gentlemen...I present...Johnny Mags.

LIST OF CHARACTERS - It should be noted that Mags LOVES nicknames...

Herr Detweiler - Replaced Mags as Newstand Lead. Is very eccentric. Admires nature and animals. World traveler and meets up with Mags once a week to have coffee on "Detweilers bench".

Silvio - Elderly customer from Ramsey, NJ who may be a closeted homosexual who talks with a legit trans-atlantic accent mixed with somebody who wants you to know how smart they are. He's not smart. He has blotched skin and a balding head. He is ALWAYS stuttering and mammering about some sort of crisis. ALWAYS asking you to look up some scholarly book he knows the store doesn't have.

Randy aka Corporal Sigh - Mags hates Randy. For good reason too. Randy is a stay at home with mother employee at B&N and might be the laziest employee they have. Constantly sighing and being miserable. Loves jazz and bourbon and cooking for mother. Gets flustered easily and usually disappears for hours when there is work to be done.

April 9th, 2020

Went for a walk this morning, I took my umbrella, but it didn't rain or drizzle, so I was stuck with that thing for the whole walk. Okay whatever.

Walk 2, I decided not to bring it.
At about the halfway point it started to rain. Not a downpour but a steady rain. When I got to the mid point, I put my Walkman in my pocket, and I decided to jog!!

Determined! Steel willed. In honor of everyone fighting against this deadly disease. Rain, puddles...

When I got to my road I was doing a chant (as you sometimes do when you jog. It just spontaneously happens. Too keep your mind focused).

So I started to chant.

U-S-A
U-S-A
F*** Corona
F*** Corona
U-S-A
U-S-A
F*** Corona
F*** Corona

Then a small pickup slowed down and I looked to my right and an older guy with a white beard put out his hand and gave me a 'thumbs up'.

He got it!

*American flag emoji*

:laughing: I like this journal already

Reminds me of Flyingpig.

New character! See OP.

January 5th, 2018

Mags - "It's so cold Herr Detweiler may bring his peacocks inside for the night."

Exo - "Mags, I have no idea how to take what you just said."

Mags - "He really has peacocks in the backyard but they have heated lamps."

Exo - "Never knew."

:laughing:

New Character! See OP

Januaary 25th, 2018

"Sylvio now known as the Ramsey Dalmation"

wut

Read the f*cking character bio.

Didn't realize this was a mystery game.

New Character! See OP!

Feb 3rd, 2018

"Tonight Corporal Sigh was at Register and something wouldn't scan and he got frustrated and backed up from the register and started to flap his arms like an albatross and was whining!! And that's my backup???"

If you could post a link to the OP in relevant posts so I don't have to do a bunch of scrolling that would be great.

As a weird sort of friend over the last decade, let me just be one to tell you that you've been acting like such a little bitch lately. What's wrong? You alright?

Link idea isn't that bad even but, sh*t, you've been so whine-y and not funny lately.

*whiny

It's working.

What's working?

It.

This is the last post I approve for this journal. F*ck off.

March 12, 2018

This was before Toys R Us went out of business. The building down the road was rumored to be closing and another rumor saying that our store was going to move to that location was started. Mags decided to do a recon mission and sent me this lengthy text...

"I haven’t been to the Toys R Us Route 17 N in a long long time, even though I could walk there. 60,000 square feet. The color scheme on the outside is stupid looking, too juvenile.

Anyway horrible layout. What happened to the long aisles that were so easy to navigate. As a kid walking there I remember even now where certain things were!!! Now? forget it. What sh*tty design. Walk in and you have these high displays you can not see more than 20 feet in front of you. The guy (or gal) who designed the layout was on LSD.

A lot would have to be done to transform it into a B&N. But it could be gutted pretty quickly. I like the windows.

When I was a kid Toys was someplace that even teen boys would go to. It had models, BMX bikes, baseball gloves, video games.

Now it was a nursery school playground.

Couldn’t wait to leave, and horrible in store play!!

Parking is not bad. But the lot needs a repaving.

Needs to be subdivided. Maybe B&N and a Smashburger. "

What are the chances he looked like a pedophile cruising for kids?

He doesn't have that look but I'm sure it was a strange day for those employees seeing him roam the isles waxing poetic about fondler times.

Damn, the Toys R Us was big enough to have ****ing isles? No wonder they went bankrupt, that's unnecessarily large.

I knew I used the wrong spelling for that sh*tty word but I said f*ck it, nobody is going to read this anyway, and yet here you are...

I guess I should give you the benna fit of the doubt more often.