Arty Ambiguity or Specific Storytelling? (lyrics, quote, song)

TheBig3 · 09-26-2005, 02:23 PM

yeah that might be why they want ambiguity.

DontRunMeOver · 09-27-2005, 03:43 AM

You may well be right, but whenever the muse strikes you just have to along with it. Even if its a puerile muse who likes whoopy cushions and flicking bogeys. I'd like to point out that the lyrics I've written weren't for a shouty punk or comedy rap tune. Its actually a country song, with very Johnny Cash-esque backing and acoustic guitar. This doesn't make it any better of course... it just might give you a different perspective...

An please don't get any ridiculous notions about me having been on my way to musical greatness from the nature of my posts! The fact that my spelling and grammar are good doesn't mean that I'm some kind of genius. It just shows that I'm a bit anal.

DontRunMeOver · 09-27-2005, 04:00 AM

Here's another one, not such a weird lyrics this time. Would you say it was ambiguous or detailed? I think it gives a pretty clear indication of what its about. That might, however, just be because I wrote it from an image in my head which gives me a reference point from which to listen/read.

There are a few lines in it that I'm still not at all happy with, can you guess which ones they are?

---

SHADOW FIGHTING

Just a glance can send me reeling
Keep your distance, hide your feelings
Guilty words and simple lies told
Its all just the same old, same old

We've been tiptoeing over mines
Maybe we should cross the line
And get drunk on cheap red wine
To make this easy

Looking in your eyes I pretend
That we will just be friends
As gravity draws you to me
I’m fighting with my shadow again

Is this some kind of cynical game?
Twisting friendship and lust around in my reference frame?

The way you smile at me
Like you could be on heat
Makes me think that we
Could take things further

Looking in your eyes I pretend
That we will just be friends
The dishonesty, surely you can see
I’m fighting with my shadow again

---

DontRunMeOver · 09-27-2005, 04:20 AM

How about this one? This song and the one before it are band songs, but at the moment I'm really trying to work on the lyrics. Any critiques, no matter how harsh, will be appreciated and I'm not the type to argue back - I'll take it all on board instead and include it in the process if appropriate.

---

THE GIRL ON THE STREET

Arrived in the city
And found a cheap room
Where neon signs light up the gloom

I sit at a window
Looking over the road
The traffic still moving below

The girl handing out flyers
At the corner of the curb
She looks so hot that I can’t find the words

Can’t stop looking at her
The way she moves her mouth
Speaking while she hands that paper out

I could spend days watching her on the street
Hearing her talk in a language that I cannot speak
From where I am there are so many things to be seen
But I prefer looking at her from my balcony

Am I going crazy
Becoming obsessed
With the girl in an orange dress?

Should I speak to her
Before we jet away
What would I try to say?

Across the surface of the world tonight
They’re drawing the curtains and turning off lights
Girl, its happening everywhere
We should just go with the flow

I have spent days watching you on the street
Your skirt-tail creating a haze in this summer of heat
If we don’t take our chances the time here will pass us so fleet
The nights may be short but there’s still time to spend them with

The Spanish nights they start so late
The warmth at midnight serves to create
The atmosphere that brought me here
The Spanish bars, the Spanish beer
The permanent heat of the latin world
The Spanish streets, the Spanish girls

DontRunMeOver · 09-27-2005, 04:22 AM

By the way, the penultimate paragraph on the last post ('still time to spend the with...') should have ended with 'me'. So that lyrics would be

'The nights may be short but there's still time to spend them with me'

Hmmm, that's quite a cheesy lyric on its own. Oh dear.

DontRunMeOver · 09-27-2005, 04:40 AM

Oh, I'll put one final one up. This is loosely based on the combined themes of the titanic disaster and global warming, from the point of view of an iceberg. A psychotic iceberg, no less.

---

UNDER THE WAVES

Oh, when I was young
I was not afraid of the rays of the sun
But the sky grew smoggy and warm
Now from my wintery home I have been torn

From my iceshelf I have been cast
I may appear small, but under the surface I'm vast
I have great momentum, it comes hand in hand with my mass
So whales do their best to avoid me every time that I float past
My cold, lonely heart it is beating all alone (lone, lone)
Under the waves

In the middle of this ocean I am so alone
And bitter towards you humans who caused me to drift from my home
Industrial global warming caused me to melt
For the weeks that I have been floating this anger is all I have felt

From my ice shelf I have been cast
I may appear small but under the surface I'm vast
Now I am planning to take my revenge at last
I shall find a big passenger ship and float into its path
Then listen to them gurgle as they fall (fall, fall)
Under the waves

The evil of an iceberg
So deadly yet so still
It will come for your family
It doesn't care how many it kills

From my ice shelf I have been cast
I may appear small but under the surface I'm vast
Now I am planning to take my revenge at last
I shall find a big passenger ship and float into its path
Then listen to them gurgle as they fall (fall, fall)
Under the waves

---

Hope you enjoyed it

Ma Cherie · 09-29-2005, 12:12 PM

i think that people should write lyrics based on their own expiriences of what you have done and what has been done to you, and also lyrics should be writen on you emotions

Fenixpunk · 09-29-2005, 12:42 PM

get rid of the first song, never mention it again. the other songs you posted shows me you do have some writing ability, if your set on doing things your way (and theres nothing really wrong with that, majority of frontmen are the same) then lose the members that push against your ideas (band members come and go untill you get the right formula) and get some that will support your visions.

Ma Cherie · 09-29-2005, 03:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fenixpunk

get rid of the first song, never mention it again. the other songs you posted shows me you do have some writing ability, if your set on doing things your way (and theres nothing really wrong with that, majority of frontmen are the same) then lose the members that push against your ideas (band members come and go untill you get the right formula) and get some that will support your visions.

I have to agree because, there many other people who will support you lyrics don't get hung up on those who don't, thats why i have to work with 2 bands because one is iwth my friends and and kit(who is our keyboardist) donsn't like some of the lyrics me and squeak write. so i decided to start another with "Lil Bro" who supports praticals everything i write.

DontRunMeOver · 09-30-2005, 08:57 AM

[QUOTE=Fenixpunk]get rid of the first song, never mention it again. the other songs you posted shows me you do have some writing ability, if your set on doing things your way (and theres nothing really wrong with that, majority of frontmen are the same) then lose the members that push against your ideas (band members come and go untill you get the right formula) and get some that will support your visions.[/QUOUTE]
Well, I'm certainly not planning to play the first song in the same set as the others. Thanks for clarifying what probably should have been obvious to me! I'm not set on doing things my way, I think criticism within a band is a good things for me. This is because musically (not lyrically, but musically) all these ideas just seem to spout out from my fingers and mouth non-stop. Although I've got great ability for actually coming up with musical ideas I'm very bad at judging which of them are good and which aren't, so I need musicians around who have better taste, are more critical and can channel my ideas.
However, I would say that your comment is true for a majority of bands, following one person's creative flow might tend to bring more direction and coherence to the music.

09-26-2005, 02:23 PM	#21 (permalink)
TheBig3 killedmyraindog Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Boston, Massachusetts Posts: 11,172	yeah that might be why they want ambiguity. __________________ I've moved to a new address

09-29-2005, 12:12 PM	#27 (permalink)
Ma Cherie The Forums Sadistic Ghost Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: beyond midnight, in the abyss of time, the syren in the night Posts: 457	i think that people should write lyrics based on their own expiriences of what you have done and what has been done to you, and also lyrics should be writen on you emotions __________________ I'm not a freak on a leash, I'm just the freak holding the leash. http://www.myspace.com/yukiko_mori

09-29-2005, 12:42 PM	#28 (permalink)
Fenixpunk The Erroneous Hoodlum Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: West Side Phoenix Posts: 2,057	get rid of the first song, never mention it again. the other songs you posted shows me you do have some writing ability, if your set on doing things your way (and theres nothing really wrong with that, majority of frontmen are the same) then lose the members that push against your ideas (band members come and go untill you get the right formula) and get some that will support your visions. __________________ This message has been approved by Shawn Erroneous - The Declaimed

09-27-2005, 03:43 AM	#22 (permalink)
DontRunMeOver They call me Tundra Boy Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: In your linen cupboard. Posts: 1,166	You may well be right, but whenever the muse strikes you just have to along with it. Even if its a puerile muse who likes whoopy cushions and flicking bogeys. I'd like to point out that the lyrics I've written weren't for a shouty punk or comedy rap tune. Its actually a country song, with very Johnny Cash-esque backing and acoustic guitar. This doesn't make it any better of course... it just might give you a different perspective... An please don't get any ridiculous notions about me having been on my way to musical greatness from the nature of my posts! The fact that my spelling and grammar are good doesn't mean that I'm some kind of genius. It just shows that I'm a bit anal.

09-27-2005, 04:00 AM	#23 (permalink)
DontRunMeOver They call me Tundra Boy Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: In your linen cupboard. Posts: 1,166	Here's another one, not such a weird lyrics this time. Would you say it was ambiguous or detailed? I think it gives a pretty clear indication of what its about. That might, however, just be because I wrote it from an image in my head which gives me a reference point from which to listen/read. There are a few lines in it that I'm still not at all happy with, can you guess which ones they are? --- SHADOW FIGHTING Just a glance can send me reeling Keep your distance, hide your feelings Guilty words and simple lies told Its all just the same old, same old We've been tiptoeing over mines Maybe we should cross the line And get drunk on cheap red wine To make this easy Looking in your eyes I pretend That we will just be friends As gravity draws you to me I’m fighting with my shadow again Is this some kind of cynical game? Twisting friendship and lust around in my reference frame? The way you smile at me Like you could be on heat Makes me think that we Could take things further Looking in your eyes I pretend That we will just be friends The dishonesty, surely you can see I’m fighting with my shadow again ---

09-27-2005, 04:20 AM	#24 (permalink)
DontRunMeOver They call me Tundra Boy Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: In your linen cupboard. Posts: 1,166	How about this one? This song and the one before it are band songs, but at the moment I'm really trying to work on the lyrics. Any critiques, no matter how harsh, will be appreciated and I'm not the type to argue back - I'll take it all on board instead and include it in the process if appropriate. --- THE GIRL ON THE STREET Arrived in the city And found a cheap room Where neon signs light up the gloom I sit at a window Looking over the road The traffic still moving below The girl handing out flyers At the corner of the curb She looks so hot that I can’t find the words Can’t stop looking at her The way she moves her mouth Speaking while she hands that paper out I could spend days watching her on the street Hearing her talk in a language that I cannot speak From where I am there are so many things to be seen But I prefer looking at her from my balcony Am I going crazy Becoming obsessed With the girl in an orange dress? Should I speak to her Before we jet away What would I try to say? Across the surface of the world tonight They’re drawing the curtains and turning off lights Girl, its happening everywhere We should just go with the flow I have spent days watching you on the street Your skirt-tail creating a haze in this summer of heat If we don’t take our chances the time here will pass us so fleet The nights may be short but there’s still time to spend them with The Spanish nights they start so late The warmth at midnight serves to create The atmosphere that brought me here The Spanish bars, the Spanish beer The permanent heat of the latin world The Spanish streets, the Spanish girls

09-27-2005, 04:22 AM	#25 (permalink)
DontRunMeOver They call me Tundra Boy Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: In your linen cupboard. Posts: 1,166	By the way, the penultimate paragraph on the last post ('still time to spend the with...') should have ended with 'me'. So that lyrics would be 'The nights may be short but there's still time to spend them with me' Hmmm, that's quite a cheesy lyric on its own. Oh dear.

09-27-2005, 04:40 AM	#26 (permalink)
DontRunMeOver They call me Tundra Boy Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: In your linen cupboard. Posts: 1,166	Oh, I'll put one final one up. This is loosely based on the combined themes of the titanic disaster and global warming, from the point of view of an iceberg. A psychotic iceberg, no less. --- UNDER THE WAVES Oh, when I was young I was not afraid of the rays of the sun But the sky grew smoggy and warm Now from my wintery home I have been torn From my iceshelf I have been cast I may appear small, but under the surface I'm vast I have great momentum, it comes hand in hand with my mass So whales do their best to avoid me every time that I float past My cold, lonely heart it is beating all alone (lone, lone) Under the waves In the middle of this ocean I am so alone And bitter towards you humans who caused me to drift from my home Industrial global warming caused me to melt For the weeks that I have been floating this anger is all I have felt From my ice shelf I have been cast I may appear small but under the surface I'm vast Now I am planning to take my revenge at last I shall find a big passenger ship and float into its path Then listen to them gurgle as they fall (fall, fall) Under the waves The evil of an iceberg So deadly yet so still It will come for your family It doesn't care how many it kills From my ice shelf I have been cast I may appear small but under the surface I'm vast Now I am planning to take my revenge at last I shall find a big passenger ship and float into its path Then listen to them gurgle as they fall (fall, fall) Under the waves --- Hope you enjoyed it

09-30-2005, 08:57 AM	#30 (permalink)
DontRunMeOver They call me Tundra Boy Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: In your linen cupboard. Posts: 1,166	[QUOTE=Fenixpunk]get rid of the first song, never mention it again. the other songs you posted shows me you do have some writing ability, if your set on doing things your way (and theres nothing really wrong with that, majority of frontmen are the same) then lose the members that push against your ideas (band members come and go untill you get the right formula) and get some that will support your visions.[/QUOUTE] Well, I'm certainly not planning to play the first song in the same set as the others. Thanks for clarifying what probably should have been obvious to me! I'm not set on doing things my way, I think criticism within a band is a good things for me. This is because musically (not lyrically, but musically) all these ideas just seem to spout out from my fingers and mouth non-stop. Although I've got great ability for actually coming up with musical ideas I'm very bad at judging which of them are good and which aren't, so I need musicians around who have better taste, are more critical and can channel my ideas. However, I would say that your comment is true for a majority of bands, following one person's creative flow might tend to bring more direction and coherence to the music.