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Old 06-20-2009, 09:57 AM   #401 (permalink)
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Default vivid imagery

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Originally Posted by Crowe View Post
The culmination of 4 years of relationship -- ended a year ago. And my "final" thoughts on the matter. Enjoy.

Emma Bear

Sex has never been more worthless,
A mild tempered snake enters a bag of sand.
My insides contract with that adoring look,
Adorning her face she's got her hooks,
Deep into my back drawing me downward
Like an leaden anchor filled with darkest matter.
I'll sink here awhile and listen to her laughter.

She cheers me on as if she can hear my hesitation,
I'd rather eat a blistering orphan than continue
With this sickly, wet concerto of undulations.
Her screams of pleasure are my bowels retching.
She fumbles over my skin like a blind child seeking comfort,
She looks into my eyes seeking some sort of return,

If only she realized that I'm not even there,
But rather in silence, a time out of mind,
A billion ashes in a cast iron urn.
Tomorrow is only more of the same,
She'll hold my hand and think of perfection,
It's my cuff to the cold of skin and bone,
My detestable queen has made me,
A king...
sitting in my forever throne.

R. Crowe, 9/13/08
Hi, R. Crowe,
I realize it has been almost a year since you posted this poem, but I am just now getting to it since I am a new MB member.

The images that you use in this poem/song are very vivid, just as in your others that I've read. I like the density of your work: each word sounds as if it has been thought about very carefully and selected for a particular reason. Also, your subject matter is original and interesting (as in the previous poem, "Thomas"). You aren't afraid of dealing with "warped" feelings. Your poems are not Celine Dion's (which I feel is a good thing :-)

"Emma Bear" captures very thoroughly the disgusting emotion of feeling obliged to have sex with someone with whom you no longer feel a connection or respect, and the feeling of anger that this individual can love and want so much from you while not realizing you are not wanting to be involved (which, I would say, ideally would be something that is resolved through discussion *before* it gets to the stage the poem describes, but life and choices aren't ideal).

Some of the images/descriptions you create that have special impact on me are the following:

Quote:
"A mild tempered snake enters a bag of sand."
This describes well what it is like when sex is reduced to the mere physical (although actually I feel mental activity is physical...neurons firing, etc....but I think you know what I mean).

Quote:
"Sickly wet concerto of undulations."
Ugh. My goodness. That is the perfect description.

Quote:
"My detestable queen has made me a king"
"My detestable queen" succinctly converges the ironic, repulsive situation in which she is *supposed* to be your queen (she wants to be)...and part of you must have felt that you should be the king (otherwise you wouldn't have been continuing with the charade)...but you want nothing more than to be out (in a number of ways).

The poem is a very sad one, I feel, because it describes such a real situation with such physicality, and yet evades the whole question of right/wrong...it simply describes the feelings as they are, which is part of the poem's power. Both sides of the situation you describe are unpleasant to experience, and you capture the, in this case, male's perspective well...which is not to say that women can't also feel "caught" in a web of love and dependence they don't want. I would be interested, Crowe, to read what you would write if you were to make (up) a song about (what you imagine was) Emma Bear's view of the situation...that is, the mirror image poem to "Emma Bear."

--Erica

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Old 06-29-2009, 03:05 PM   #402 (permalink)
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Thank Veg. It has been quite some time since we've add a worthwhile critique on the board - I like to know that people still get into this thread and look around, very... humbling to have someone sit and read all of your work in a sitting - if that is, indeed, what you have done. "Emma Bear" is important to me because it is a song that I could comment on without conjecture like I had to do on some of my other popular pieces. Please come around more and feel free to comment on other work that you find worth your time, I'd be honored. Also check out Sleepy Jack's work, I know that he'd appreciate a fresh look on his old stuff.
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Old 06-30-2009, 12:25 AM   #403 (permalink)
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Thank Veg. It has been quite some time since we've add a worthwhile critique on the board - I like to know that people still get into this thread and look around, very... humbling to have someone sit and read all of your work in a sitting - if that is, indeed, what you have done. "Emma Bear" is important to me because it is a song that I could comment on without conjecture like I had to do on some of my other popular pieces. Please come around more and feel free to comment on other work that you find worth your time, I'd be honored. Also check out Sleepy Jack's work, I know that he'd appreciate a fresh look on his old stuff.
Hi, Crowe,
Yes, I liked Emma Bear because it feels very real. I *am* working on getting through all your other poems plus people's responses, but haven't read all 30 plus pages yet! I do see you gravitate toward dramatic situations/stories that have painful occurrences in them: murder (infanticide), suicide, rejection, loneliness, death etc., but also love. I tend to like to tell stories, too, in songs...but I also like your "snapshot" of a brief time shown in Emma Bear, where the moment you describe explains the whole story without actually *telling* the whole story in the poem.

I actually have already visited Sleepy Jack's collection. He only has one poem now because he deleted the rest! Perhaps you didn't know...I am sorry to be the one to reveal this sad truth (moment of silence for the deleted poems).
--Veg
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Old 06-30-2009, 11:18 AM   #404 (permalink)
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*takes a moment*
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Old 07-23-2009, 05:36 PM   #405 (permalink)
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Yeep.

Little Child


Your child is so twisted,
And I know you think he's cute.
Sitting by the fire place,
Pacifier banging against the persian rug.
But he's watching us with those eyes.
Yes can't you see, because he does!
Look at his imagination click on,
He wants you dead, yes he does,
This little child of yours.

Can we kill him now,
Can we watch him drown?
Can we stop him before he starts?
This little child of yours.

He'll grow up and start by
Putting spiders on the stove top,
He watches them disappear in smoke.
Laugh it up baby boy because you,
You can't fool me, I'm not blind
Like your mother, your poor mother.
He kills cats in the alleyway,
He wants you dead, yes he does,
This little child of yours.

Can we kill him now?
Can we push him from the balcony?
Can we stop him before he starts?
This little child of yours.

He's just a baby now I know,
But I can see it in his smile,
Just give him a little while before,
Well before he's got you tied up
To his new bunk bed and screaming at you,
For not understanding him!
Scream at you for not being there for him!
He's a sick one, this smiling baby boy.
Look at him puke on your shirt,
Look at him shoot his friend in the eye!

You're next,
You're next,
(It was an accident officer!)
You're next,
You're next,
(She fell down the stairs!)
You're next,
You're next,
(I'll miss her so much!)
You're next....

Can we kill him now?
Let him fall from the window sill?
Can we stop him before he starts?
This little child of yours.

R. Crowe
Hi, Crowe,
As I continue to read through your poems/lyrics, the one I find myself gravitating to especially is "Little Child." One reason is that I like the subject matter. It explores a basic ethical issue (and one I think about a lot as a vegan!), which is this: when do we decide to kill another being and how do we rationalize doing so? Plus, the poem shows how creepy it is when a person *does* consider this Utilitarian calculation. (The ethical theory of Utilitarianism seeks the greatest good for the greatest number of people, and so can be used to justify killing a few to save a large majority).

The poem is disturbing, I feel, because the person singing actually appears to believe that one can tell by looking at a baby that he will grow up to be a "sociopath." Of course, if we assume that what is predicted about the child is true, then the song deals with an ethical question similar to the one people ask about Hitler: "If you met Hitler in a room before he had a chance to organize the Holocaust, would you kill him if it were true that this would save the lives of millions of people?" This ethical question is very important, because people ask versions of it all the time...for example, George W. Bush must have asked a related question when he (horrifyingly, I feel) decided to wage a preemptive war on another country (Iraq), leading to millions of people becoming refugees and over 100,000 people dying!

I also like the poem's structure, which has the repetition/verse form that I feel would easily convert into a song. (The poem also looks rather like a pacifier!) The details add meaning. For example, I feel the Persian rug symbolizes that this child was from a loving, well-to-do family and thus, probably, never suffered from material want or lack of love often assumed to be at the root of someone "going bad."

I especially like the section that could be screamed angrily (when the sociopathic teenager is screaming at the parents). I can imagine screaming the lines I've italicized below:

Quote:
Just give him a little while before,
Well before he's got you tied up
To his new bunk bed and screaming at you,
For not understanding him!
Scream at you for not being there for him!"
Plus, I like the ironic humor that is in a lot of your pieces (like the one about having a relationship with someone's door), such was when you write in "Little Child":

Quote:
"Look at him puke on your shirt,
Look at him shoot his friend in the eye!"
You wrote recently that all your poems, with the exception of Emma Bear, involve you using your imagination to think up the scenarios. So, I thought you might want to know that, from everything I've read about children who grow up to be abusive toward humans, hurting/killing non-human animals is truly often where they start. I volunteered for a year with children "recovering" from drug addiction and behavioral issues, and recall hearing a 14-year-old laugh about a cat who scratched him. He laughed because of how he got "revenge": he put the cat in a bag and lit it on fire. The cat ran hopping and burning across the lawn. So, I feel it is very realistic when you write:

Quote:
Putting spiders on the stove top,
He watches them disappear in smoke.
He kills cats in the alleyway.
Finally, I like the way the poem ends with the repetition of the somber chorus (which has slightly different wording each time):

Quote:
Can we kill him now?
Let him fall from the window sill?
Can we stop him before he starts?
This little child of yours.
I like the fact that the poem raises this question again and again, but does not answer it and thus forces the readers to try to answer the question themselves.
--Erica
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Old 07-24-2009, 07:51 PM   #406 (permalink)
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Once again you have been able to find relevance in a work that reaches far beyond the scope intended when I first sat down to write the piece. You have turned a lilting story of a homicidal baby (or is it the narrator?) into something socially and even philosophically applicable. I should pay you to review all of my stuff, though I think you'd be wasting your time on some of my stinkers. It's nice, though, one of the reasons that several of the more prolific and talented MB songwriters have slowed down in their song production is due to lack of decent reviews and reviewERS as it were. Your presence here is raising the bar and bringing back the life just by sitting down and typing out some of the most well thought-out reviews I've seen on here. It is now our duty to return the favor to you.
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Old 04-11-2010, 04:44 AM   #407 (permalink)
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this is amazing i achally love it .....
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