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Old 03-09-2006, 09:12 PM   #1 (permalink)
angel of tragic days
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 924
Default To be destroyed, as in combat:

this is a song or poem.. more then likely a poem right at the moment well because i don't know if i will ever actually have a chorus to it. but not all songs really need a chorus.. all depends on the sound i guess. that and i don't record my own stuff or anything.. but if it helps i can hear the way it would sound in my head.. so to me it shall be a song.. i think i made it to long and might have over done it a bit.. dragged it out for to long..

--------------------------------------------------------------
her name is pointless
she doesn't know where she's going,
she only knows where she's been
everything that has happened is nailing through her skin,
almost everyway it was
the thoughts of living were to painful to comphrend (haha can't spell that great)
she hopes she can gain the power to keep going
she is at a crossroads in her life
she can go left and live alone not knowing the end
she can stay right and keep on dying
she needs a sign, a place of truth
everyday is the same,
nothings changes this life is just game
she feels just like a rock in the sand
no one cares no one listens,
no one see's her tears
no one understands her pain,
the ever lasting pain,
she has only herself to blame
she is always alone,
doesn't have a friend to her name
every memory she has still lie's in her brain
she opens her eyes to awake each day
to nothing but yelling (whisper)... take my pain away
the life she has lived is the life of someone else
she doesn't like looking in the mirror,
she see's all of these scars
some aren't really there,
just scars of the image's stuck in her mind
although there is nothing she can do,
she tries her hardist to live with this never ending flu
she thinks the only way people could be happy is............. if she's gone
she cries for help,
she blames the sun
she hates the world for what its become..


(i wrote this in 2002) instead of having so mnay lines i just put some together and took a few out.. anyways i like it for what it is.. (which probably isn't much..but its personal haha) thoughts?
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Old 03-11-2006, 01:11 AM   #2 (permalink)
a l'amou fou pou tout
 
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Location: NY
Posts: 355
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by explosions-in-my-pants
her name is pointless
she doesn't know where she's going, she only knows where she's been
everything that has happened is nailing through her skin, almost everyway it was
the thoughts of living are to painful to comphrend (haha can't spell that great)
she hopes she can gain the power to keep going
she is at a crossroad in her life

she can go left and live alone not knowing the end
she can stay right and keep on dying
she needs a sign, a place of truth
everyday is the same, nothing changes life is just a game
she feels just like a rock in the sand
no one cares no one listens, no one see's her tears
no one understands her pain, the ever lasting pain, she has only herself to blame
she is always alone, doesn't have a friend to her name
every memory she has still lie's in her brain
she opens her eyes to awake each day
to nothing but yelling (whisper)... take my pain away
the life she has lived is the life of someone else
she doesn't like looking in the mirror, she see's all of these scars
some aren't really there, just scars of the image's stuck in her mind
although there is nothing she can do, she tries her hardist to live with this never ending flu
she thinks the only way people could be happy is if she's gone
she cries for help, she blames the sun
she hates the world for what its become..
the bolded parts are the parts i liked. the red are the fixes i made of the parts i liked or whatever
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Old 03-11-2006, 12:40 PM   #3 (permalink)
angel of tragic days
 
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Posts: 924
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thank you for your thoughts and fixes... haha i don't notice those things much haha..
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Old 03-11-2006, 08:06 PM   #4 (permalink)
Here's lookin at you, kid
 
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Location: The White Hotel
Posts: 366
Default

Bolded=like
Italicised= dont get
unbolded= Im sorry e-mommy I hate ahaa..
Red=I think it should be like that...
---

her name is pointless
she doesn't know where she's going, she only knows where she's been
everything that has happened is nailing through her skin, almost everyway it was
the thoughts of living were to painful to comphrend
she hopes she can gain the power to keep going
she is at a crossroads in her life
she can go left and live alone not knowing the end
she can go right and keep on dying

she needs a sign, a place of truth...the two lines here aren't related...if you need a sign it's clarity...you're basically saying the same thing twice, IMO.
everyday is the same, nothings changes this life is just a game
she feels just like a rock stuck in the sand
no one cares no one listens, no one see's her tears
no one understands her pain, the ever lasting pain, she has only herself to blame
she is always alone, doesn't have a friend to her name
every memory she has still lie's in her brain brain, should be "head", IMO.
she opens her eyes to awake each day
to nothing but yelling (whisper)... take my pain away
the life she has lived is the life of someone else

she doesn't like looking in the mirror, she see's all of these scars what reflects are her scars
some aren't really there, just scars of the image's stuck in her mind
although there is nothing she can do, she tries her hardist to live with this never ending flu
she thinks the only way people could be happy is if she's gone
she cries for help, she blames the sun
she hates the world for what its become..

--------

I think it lacts flow, as well...

Sorry darling
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Old 03-11-2006, 08:31 PM   #5 (permalink)
angel of tragic days
 
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Posts: 924
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thank you.. and it lacks flow.. thanks haha jk.. i like your honestly..
Quote:
every memory she has still lie's in her brain brain, should be "head", IMO.
but, but i like the sound of brain more haha
Quote:
she can go left and live alone not knowing the end
she can go right and keep on dying
yea i can see why that would make more sense.. thanks
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Old 03-11-2006, 08:58 PM   #6 (permalink)
Here's lookin at you, kid
 
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Location: The White Hotel
Posts: 366
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I'm sorry

Use brain then. ha

No problem.
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