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Old 03-22-2006, 01:21 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default You Are Never Enough

k people here's one of my mates songs. It's one of many he's writing at the moment. Let me know what ya think?

You Are Never Enough

Iím fed up,
Iíve had enough,
of this slut,
you ****ing mutt,
youíre too ugly for me,
look in the mirror and see,
you might just see,
what you wanna be,
a baby for you,
but itís not for me,
an orange juice for you,
and a beer for me,
now your face is ****ed up,
hit you too many times enough,
still you come crawling back,
but you forget one little fact,
Iím too crazy for that bitch,
you have spots just like a witch,
you donít even care about wearing clothes,
what did your mom tell you,
put on your clothes and get the **** home,
where you belong but not for long,
but then you realise that somethingís wrong,
I havenít been away for this long,
before you realise that somethingís not right,
you look ahead and see a blue light,
two guys walk up to the front door,
tell you I wonít be around anymore,
driving drunk along a slippy road,
crashed into a barrier is what youíve been told,
your body feels numb and you feel cold,
you canít believe what youíre being told,
you think how stupid could I be,
to leave you here alone you say why me,
you sit in the cop station waiting to see me,
you donít want to identify me,
the tears in your eyes tell me youíre sorry,
for not coming for the drive with me,
you think you canít live without me,
bring up my son, my only baby,
how could I **** up so much,
Iím starting to miss your smile and touch,
Itíll be never enough since I missed things up.
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Old 03-22-2006, 01:27 PM   #2 (permalink)
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That pen is like a weapon in his hands. Meaning: it hurts to read.
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Old 03-22-2006, 01:37 PM   #3 (permalink)
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k thats fine thanx for the crit!
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Old 03-23-2006, 06:37 AM   #4 (permalink)
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k people my mate wants to know what you think of this one! so please post your crits!
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Old 03-23-2006, 07:19 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I think Jerry Springer would eat this sh't up.



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Old 03-23-2006, 11:05 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Crashing Sun
I think Jerry Springer would eat this sh't up.



What's that supposed to mean?
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Old 03-23-2006, 11:42 AM   #7 (permalink)
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It's unbearably tacky, the language used is immature,
this would look better scrawled onto someones locker door.

The smooth rhyming technique he is failing to use is blundered over the head by crimes to any form of artistic writing such as:
"I’m too crazy for that bitch, you have spots just like a witch"
Wow, spots on a witch, don't you mean warts you little toad.

The end of the song veers on having something coherent and interesting to say. But all is lost again to the poor wording, cliches and swearing.
Tell him to start using an A B lyric format, a thesaurus and try to actually make some effort then perhaps then i won't lose brain cells by glancing at this song.

And that's what I think.
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Old 03-23-2006, 01:08 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by angel18
What's that supposed to mean?
Sorry I wasn't being very constructive. I'm just saying that it sounds like trailer-trash fighting. Aside from that it just isn't very smooth or coherent.
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Old 03-23-2006, 02:27 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by angel18
k people here's one of my mates songs. It's one of many he's writing at the moment. Let me know what ya think?

You Are Never Enough

Iím fed up,
Iíve had enough,
of this slut,
you ****ing mutt,
youíre too ugly for me,
look in the mirror and see,
you might just see,
what you wanna be,
a baby for you,
but itís not for me,
an orange juice for you,
and a beer for me,
now your face is ****ed up,
hit you too many times enough,
still you come crawling back,
but you forget one little fact,
Iím too crazy for that bitch,
you have spots just like a witch,
you donít even care about wearing clothes,
what did your mom tell you,
put on your clothes and get the **** home,
where you belong but not for long,
but then you realise that somethingís wrong,
I havenít been away for this long,
before you realise that somethingís not right,
you look ahead and see a blue light,
two guys walk up to the front door,
tell you I wonít be around anymore,
driving drunk along a slippy road,
crashed into a barrier is what youíve been told,
your body feels numb and you feel cold,
you canít believe what youíre being told,
you think how stupid could I be,
to leave you here alone you say why me,
you sit in the cop station waiting to see me,
you donít want to identify me,
the tears in your eyes tell me youíre sorry,
for not coming for the drive with me,
you think you canít live without me,
bring up my son, my only baby,
how could I **** up so much,
Iím starting to miss your smile and touch,
Itíll be never enough since I missed things up.
Heh, you for real? Honestly
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Originally Posted by dirt mcgirt View Post
this pole about famouz peds only son. urban hatmonger gotta get his work reconized, gotta make a name fo hisself. naamean?
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ad anyone wanting rampant sex with a hairy horny welshman may feel free to take me up on that one :D
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Old 03-24-2006, 01:39 PM   #10 (permalink)
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thanx for the comments! my mate is gonna rewrite the song and post the new version up soon!
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