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Old 03-26-2006, 05:24 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 129
Default Love's Curse

Love’s Curse

She couldn't stand the silence,
she couldn't stand the tears,
She couldn't stand her life,
after only sixteen years.

He was her entire world,
she gave him all she possessed,
He did the same in return,
and they were thought to be obsessed.

Their love couldn't be reached,
couldn't be touched by any other,
they were all they needed,
and they only wanted each other.

From two they became one,
they made each other whole,
they filled each other's voids,
and they filled each other's souls.

Everything was perfect,
everything was great,
Till one damning day,
they were told they'd have to wait.

Her parents were moving her,
to a distant place,
they’d be torn apart,
couldn't see each other's face.

They swore they'd make it work,
Vowed to stay together,
didn’t care about the distance,
they’d be together forever.

She gave it all she had,
she did her very best,
but he still slipped away,
he didn't pass the test.

While she was thinking of him,
he had found another,
He said he couldn't do it;
he talked it over with his mother.

She was devastated,
her heart was torn straight out,
she’d been such a fool,
and she should have listened to her doubt.

From then on they stopped talking,
never spoke again,
While he was with his new girl,
She was dreaming of him.

Every day she'd cry,
she tried to fight off all the pain,
But the hurting never stopped,
just shot through every vein.

Months went by since the ending,
but she only grew worse,
she couldn't accept what happened,
this was love's curse.

It finally overtook her,
she couldn't stand it anymore,
and she grabbed a picture of him,
and snuck out the front door.

She walked into the woods,
found a secluded place,
Kept thinking of the past,
and how she'd been replaced.

Hours later she was found,
in a pool of her blood,
and beside her they found,
his picture in the mud.

On the back read her reason,
why she took her life,
what he did to her,
it seemed he had held the knife.

Though physically he didn't kill her,
he tore her soul apart,
it was obvious how she did,
and it was from a broken heart.
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Old 03-26-2006, 07:59 AM   #2 (permalink)
a l'amou fou pou tout
 
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Location: NY
Posts: 355
Default

Quote:
Her parents were moving her,
to a distant place,
they’d be torn apart,
couldn't see each other's face.
i just didnt like this stanza, the way you worded it. Moving could of been "taking". & couldnt see each others face...wtf, i didnt like that part! you forced the rhyming.


Quote:
She gave it all she had,
she did her very best,
but he still slipped away,
he didn't pass the test.
I dont like the last two lines of this stanza....hmmmm, maybe just the last line. He didnt pass the test, was that all it was, a ****ing test! please, you need something else there.


Quote:
While she was thinking of him,
he had found another,
He said he couldn't do it;
he talked it over with his mother.
With his mother! wth(i think this explains why i dont like the last line in this stanza either)


Quote:
She was devastated,
her heart was torn straight out,
she’d been such a fool,
and she should have listened to her doubt.
She wasnt so much of a fool. but what doubt?! you practically screamed out that they had no doubt in their mind/heart that they where in love & made for each other.
The only thing i could think of that she should took longer to fall so deeply. shes only 16! im not saying you cant fall in love young, but...c'mon. you gotta take longer than that, at any age. Get what im saying? how long she knew him?


Quote:
Though physically he didn't kill her,
he tore her soul apart,
it was obvious how she did,
and it was from a broken heart.
Isnt it..."It was obvious how she died"

Everything else i obviously like, overall, i like this poem. Kinda cliche, but i dont care, sometimes you gotta be just a lil bit.
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Old 03-30-2006, 11:47 AM   #3 (permalink)
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thanx for the comments crazy luv
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