Swing Swing SWING (Atmosphere, quote, hands, Hang)

TrampInaTux · 04-09-2006, 12:52 PM

Maybe I'm too touchy Or maybe you're to comfy
There's just not something right in here
and I can't put my finger on it
On you on her my hands are out of bounds
Part of me is frightened but the other part is sound
Listen can you hear them in the other room
sound like good fun shall we join them soon?
Hold you tighter I'm scared to let you go
Paraded round here like a dog on show
Fresh meat for the men and the ladies look so cool
Back off baby back off baby I thought I saw some drool
If I walked out would you call me prude?
What if I stayed I wouldn't know what to do
See this is not who I am but now I know it's you
What happened to being old fashioned I don't like it new

So then what do you think? I assume you can guess the subject, and don't mention about the flow of the last line-it works when sung.

DontRunMeOver · 04-09-2006, 02:07 PM

I like this a lot. Its very clear, direct and should hit a nerve with a lot of people. There isn't an obvious structure at the moment, but what you've got is ace.

The only lines I would suggest changing slightly are:

Listen closely the girls in the other room
sound like good fun shall we join them soon?
AND
On you on her my hands are out of bounds

The first pair suggest that its only girls in the other room, which sounds a bit dodgy because it could suggest you want to go to the other room to see lots of women, instead of leaving the general atmosphere of the room you're already in. It might be better if you said "listen to the sounds coming from the other room","listen to the people in the other room" or something like that. The 'closely' is unneccesary and the 'girls' sounds a bit suspicious!

The other line ("on you on...") is a bit confusing, who's hand are where? Although such vagueness can be good in some situations, if you're talking about an issue you have with something you want to make it pretty clear - focus the impact if you like. Just say exactly who's hands are where and then that this is out of bounds. (i.e. his hands on you, or her hands on me, whatever you want the situation to be.)

Other than that, its great.

sleepy jack · 04-10-2006, 01:54 AM

DontRunMeOver said all I wanted to say, good job. You've improved a hella load from the stuff you use to post just to tell ya.

TrampInaTux · 04-10-2006, 02:05 AM

If you read the line before the 'on you on her' line it says 'and I can't put my finger on it' it's supposed to be a sort of double meaning. The guy can't put his finger on why he feels so uncomfortable in what should be a fun environment and he also can't lay his fingers on the other people because of how uncomfortable he is.

Thanks for the comments though, I guess that practice makes perfect.

Crazy Luv · 04-10-2006, 02:49 PM

Wow, i actually like this. Good job

TrampInaTux · 04-11-2006, 01:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crazy Luv

Wow, i actually like this. Good job

Was that a subtle way of telling me you didn't like my old stuff?

Crazy Luv · 04-14-2006, 02:26 AM

No, my bad. i meant i havent really seen stuff i like(in this whole writing forum) for a bit, and i like this, so yea. thats what i meant.

04-09-2006, 12:52 PM	#1 (permalink)
TrampInaTux that's my war face. Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1,418	Swing Swing SWING Maybe I'm too touchy Or maybe you're to comfy There's just not something right in here and I can't put my finger on it On you on her my hands are out of bounds Part of me is frightened but the other part is sound Listen can you hear them in the other room sound like good fun shall we join them soon? Hold you tighter I'm scared to let you go Paraded round here like a dog on show Fresh meat for the men and the ladies look so cool Back off baby back off baby I thought I saw some drool If I walked out would you call me prude? What if I stayed I wouldn't know what to do See this is not who I am but now I know it's you What happened to being old fashioned I don't like it new So then what do you think? I assume you can guess the subject, and don't mention about the flow of the last line-it works when sung.

04-10-2006, 02:05 AM	#4 (permalink)
TrampInaTux that's my war face. Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1,418	If you read the line before the 'on you on her' line it says 'and I can't put my finger on it' it's supposed to be a sort of double meaning. The guy can't put his finger on why he feels so uncomfortable in what should be a fun environment and he also can't lay his fingers on the other people because of how uncomfortable he is. Thanks for the comments though, I guess that practice makes perfect.

04-10-2006, 02:49 PM	#5 (permalink)
Crazy Luv a l'amou fou pou tout Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: NY Posts: 355	Wow, i actually like this. Good job

04-14-2006, 02:26 AM	#7 (permalink)
Crazy Luv a l'amou fou pou tout Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: NY Posts: 355	No, my bad. i meant i havent really seen stuff i like(in this whole writing forum) for a bit, and i like this, so yea. thats what i meant.