DontRunMeOver

I agree with Jibber on the expanding each theme out into a whole verse (I might even suggest making individual songs on each subject, but maybe some other time). One other problem I have with this lyric is that the subject (the 'I') of the song seems to change through the song. Going from what you've already said, in line 7 it must be your dad, but in line 8, it becomes you. This makes line 1 confusing, because I don't know if its about you or your dad. Lines 2, 3 and 4 I have to assume are about the same person as line 1. Line 5 is about your dad (because you told us) and line 6 I can't be sure about either. As you can see, it makes it confusing to other people to read/hear. Without your explanation before, I'd assume that all of the lines are about you and not your dad, which kind of defeats the message your trying to convey. If you can make it clearer who you're singing about at each point it would help (just putting some I, me, he, his, my etc. in suitable places may do the trick).

If you're trying to mix up the people within the song for some poetic reason then I'd suggest you don't (!) if you want to play the song to anybody who doesn't already know everything about your father and you, as it clouds the message too much and listeners won't understand at all.

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TrampInaTux

Unfortunately I won't be changing the I's and things like that, as for me that is the most personal part of the song. This may be difficult for outsiders to understand but me and my Dad were exactly the same person. I would expand on this but I could write a book about this and no one would understand it.

DontRunMeOver

Ok, I think I get it. You are just like your dad was? Is that the overall message? If you want this to be a song that you can play to people and they'll get something from it too then please, please, pick the message you want to put across and stick to it (or keep it to one message per verse at least). In the first verse you do that, in the second you try to put across a different message with each line, which doesn't work very well as a verse, even though the individual lines are good.

So I'm completely with Jibber on this one, expand each line in the second verse into its own verse. Or maybe 5&6 as one verse, 7 as another verse and 8 as a different one. You could maybe leave line 7 out of this song and make a different song about it, as that might not support the theme of you and your father being the same person so well (I know I'm not aware of the smaller details in the situation here, so I'm going to stop now cos I don't want to offend you accidentally).

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