Close my eyes and forget it all
 

Turn left cause I can't turn right
throw back kisses and run from fights
Not fond of day and scared of night
hard of hearing and short of sight

Tragedy
is making moves on me
close my eyes and forget it all
close my eyes and forget it all

Brain of flames and heart of gold
shouting off but then I fold
beautiful girl I cannot hold
Pacts with the Devil my soul is sold

Tragedy
is making moves on me
close my eyes and forget it all
close my eyes and forget it all



I really like this song, but can't think up a good third verse. Any guidance would be welcome.

it's good. The flow is nice, I can't think of anything for a third verse at the moment but I'll get back to it later!

Its good, to be honest the ryhming seems too forced, especially this line "Turn left cause I can't turn right" it just doesn't seem to fit well and seems like it was put in there just for the sake of rhyming. I can't really think of a third verse either to help ya on that, i'll think a bit and post a few ideas later.

Trust me the turn left cos I can't turn right DOES fit in with the song. This is another song about my Dad-he suffered from whiplash for about 5 years from being in a car accident. This song is more or less lines about him mixed with lines about how am I dealing with his passing. If there are any lines that you don't understand please tell me and I will explain.

Thanks for your comments anyway.

not sure I understand how these lines fit in with the subject matter:

Brain of flames and heart of gold
shouting off but then I fold
beautiful girl I cannot hold
Pacts with the Devil my soul is sold

the rest of the song is easily understandable as dealing with grief, although it's a kind of grief thats been forced upon you. this verse (the last line especially) gives the impression that it's something you brought on.

The Brain of flames and heart of gold part sum up what my Dad was like-Brain was always going and he was fiery, but he had a heart of gold. The next line mixes up mine and my Dads emotions-my half sister was born after my Dad passed away. And the last line probably doesn't mean anything to people who haven't experienced a major loss (I'm sorry if you have) but it kind of mixes up the sense of guilt you feel even though you haven't done anything wrong and also all the bad sh*t you get upto because you're all confused and you feel like the world is against you.

ahh, gotcha now. The lines in themselves are great I think, and they do make sense in their own way, but when you put them all together one after another like that it's hard to discern meaning from them individually, and so what could be a really powerful message gets lost in translation you could say. I'd suggest expanding upon each of those lines in turn, perhaps making each concept into it's own verse. This subject is an insanely complex and powerful one, so i really feel you should spend time to fully develop each of your thoughts, because if you did the result would be really powerful.

Thanks for your help. It's been hard for me to write these songs, but I desperately want to make a good one. When I put pen to paper all my emotions seem to rush, and this is obviously the case with this one. I'll expand on it and post the finished one up again.

it shows though. since its something you care so much about it's starting to become apparent because the language seems really well thought out, as if every word was considered. keep it up and I think you'll end up with something that really does the subject justice. It's always hardest to write about things you care so much about (which is why I've only written one or two things actually based on my real experiences) because it's a lot to live up to. so props to you for taking it on, you're doing a good job so far.

Thankyou very much. I was like that before-I think when you write about your own experiences it is sort of forcing you to confront them again, which is obviously very hard to do. But then when you do confront the subject in hand it then becomes much easier to deal with. For me writing songs has become an outlet for me during this time, and it is the best therapy you can get.

I agree with Jibber on the expanding each theme out into a whole verse (I might even suggest making individual songs on each subject, but maybe some other time). One other problem I have with this lyric is that the subject (the 'I') of the song seems to change through the song. Going from what you've already said, in line 7 it must be your dad, but in line 8, it becomes you. This makes line 1 confusing, because I don't know if its about you or your dad. Lines 2, 3 and 4 I have to assume are about the same person as line 1. Line 5 is about your dad (because you told us) and line 6 I can't be sure about either. As you can see, it makes it confusing to other people to read/hear. Without your explanation before, I'd assume that all of the lines are about you and not your dad, which kind of defeats the message your trying to convey. If you can make it clearer who you're singing about at each point it would help (just putting some I, me, he, his, my etc. in suitable places may do the trick).

If you're trying to mix up the people within the song for some poetic reason then I'd suggest you don't (!) if you want to play the song to anybody who doesn't already know everything about your father and you, as it clouds the message too much and listeners won't understand at all.

Unfortunately I won't be changing the I's and things like that, as for me that is the most personal part of the song. This may be difficult for outsiders to understand but me and my Dad were exactly the same person. I would expand on this but I could write a book about this and no one would understand it.

Ok, I think I get it. You are just like your dad was? Is that the overall message? If you want this to be a song that you can play to people and they'll get something from it too then please, please, pick the message you want to put across and stick to it (or keep it to one message per verse at least). In the first verse you do that, in the second you try to put across a different message with each line, which doesn't work very well as a verse, even though the individual lines are good.

So I'm completely with Jibber on this one, expand each line in the second verse into its own verse. Or maybe 5&6 as one verse, 7 as another verse and 8 as a different one. You could maybe leave line 7 out of this song and make a different song about it, as that might not support the theme of you and your father being the same person so well (I know I'm not aware of the smaller details in the situation here, so I'm going to stop now cos I don't want to offend you accidentally).