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Old 04-08-2006, 03:01 AM   #1 (permalink)
that's my war face.
 
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Default Close my eyes and forget it all

Turn left cause I can't turn right
throw back kisses and run from fights
Not fond of day and scared of night
hard of hearing and short of sight

Tragedy
is making moves on me
close my eyes and forget it all
close my eyes and forget it all

Brain of flames and heart of gold
shouting off but then I fold
beautiful girl I cannot hold
Pacts with the Devil my soul is sold

Tragedy
is making moves on me
close my eyes and forget it all
close my eyes and forget it all



I really like this song, but can't think up a good third verse. Any guidance would be welcome.
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Old 04-08-2006, 04:30 AM   #2 (permalink)
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it's good. The flow is nice, I can't think of anything for a third verse at the moment but I'll get back to it later!
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Old 04-08-2006, 04:46 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Its good, to be honest the ryhming seems too forced, especially this line "Turn left cause I can't turn right" it just doesn't seem to fit well and seems like it was put in there just for the sake of rhyming. I can't really think of a third verse either to help ya on that, i'll think a bit and post a few ideas later.
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Old 04-09-2006, 12:39 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Trust me the turn left cos I can't turn right DOES fit in with the song. This is another song about my Dad-he suffered from whiplash for about 5 years from being in a car accident. This song is more or less lines about him mixed with lines about how am I dealing with his passing. If there are any lines that you don't understand please tell me and I will explain.

Thanks for your comments anyway.
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Old 04-09-2006, 02:47 AM   #5 (permalink)
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not sure I understand how these lines fit in with the subject matter:

Brain of flames and heart of gold
shouting off but then I fold
beautiful girl I cannot hold
Pacts with the Devil my soul is sold

the rest of the song is easily understandable as dealing with grief, although it's a kind of grief thats been forced upon you. this verse (the last line especially) gives the impression that it's something you brought on.
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Old 04-09-2006, 02:52 AM   #6 (permalink)
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The Brain of flames and heart of gold part sum up what my Dad was like-Brain was always going and he was fiery, but he had a heart of gold. The next line mixes up mine and my Dads emotions-my half sister was born after my Dad passed away. And the last line probably doesn't mean anything to people who haven't experienced a major loss (I'm sorry if you have) but it kind of mixes up the sense of guilt you feel even though you haven't done anything wrong and also all the bad sh*t you get upto because you're all confused and you feel like the world is against you.
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Old 04-09-2006, 02:55 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hobojesus
The Brain of flames and heart of gold part sum up what my Dad was like-Brain was always going and he was fiery, but he had a heart of gold. The next line mixes up mine and my Dads emotions-my half sister was born after my Dad passed away. And the last line probably doesn't mean anything to people who haven't experienced a major loss (I'm sorry if you have) but it kind of mixes up the sense of guilt you feel even though you haven't done anything wrong and also all the bad sh*t you get upto because you're all confused and you feel like the world is against you.
ahh, gotcha now. The lines in themselves are great I think, and they do make sense in their own way, but when you put them all together one after another like that it's hard to discern meaning from them individually, and so what could be a really powerful message gets lost in translation you could say. I'd suggest expanding upon each of those lines in turn, perhaps making each concept into it's own verse. This subject is an insanely complex and powerful one, so i really feel you should spend time to fully develop each of your thoughts, because if you did the result would be really powerful.
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Your toughest competitor lives in your head. Some days his name is fear, or pain, or gravity. Stomp his ass.

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Old 04-09-2006, 02:57 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Thanks for your help. It's been hard for me to write these songs, but I desperately want to make a good one. When I put pen to paper all my emotions seem to rush, and this is obviously the case with this one. I'll expand on it and post the finished one up again.
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Old 04-09-2006, 03:01 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hobojesus
Thanks for your help. It's been hard for me to write these songs, but I desperately want to make a good one. When I put pen to paper all my emotions seem to rush, and this is obviously the case with this one. I'll expand on it and post the finished one up again.
it shows though. since its something you care so much about it's starting to become apparent because the language seems really well thought out, as if every word was considered. keep it up and I think you'll end up with something that really does the subject justice. It's always hardest to write about things you care so much about (which is why I've only written one or two things actually based on my real experiences) because it's a lot to live up to. so props to you for taking it on, you're doing a good job so far.
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What you've done becomes the judge of what you're going to do -- especially in other people's minds. When you're traveling, you are what you are right there and then. People don't have your past to hold against you. No yesterdays on the road.
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Your toughest competitor lives in your head. Some days his name is fear, or pain, or gravity. Stomp his ass.

HOOKED ON THE WHITE POWDER
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Old 04-09-2006, 03:29 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Thankyou very much. I was like that before-I think when you write about your own experiences it is sort of forcing you to confront them again, which is obviously very hard to do. But then when you do confront the subject in hand it then becomes much easier to deal with. For me writing songs has become an outlet for me during this time, and it is the best therapy you can get.
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